


Second Time Around

by miriania



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-04-08 04:15:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 59,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4290456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miriania/pseuds/miriania
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After returning to her own quarters after defeating Corypheus, Inquisitor Ghilani Lavellan gets sent back in time. She wakes up in the dungeon in Haven, just like last time. Only this time she remembers everything. Struggling to understand what happened, Ghilani retraces her steps, while searching for a way back to her own time. </p><p>The discovery that she is not the only one who remembers complicates matters further. </p><p>Her determination to go home is fading as she realises that this time she could change the outcome, that maybe this time, knowing the truth about who he is, she might be able to make Solas stay.</p><p>(Set after the events of the game, this contains lots and lots of spoilers)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Ghilani took a deep breath as the door closed behind her. Alone, finally. The feast had been enjoyable enough, and Creators knows it had been deserved, after everything they had accomplished that day. But it had also been long. And loud. Very loud. Though she was not physically wounded, at least not seriously, the final battle had worn her out. Josephine had sent her a disapproving look as she slipped away, but Ghilani knew they would not follow her in here. Not tonight, anyway. After more than three years of fighting she had earned some time to herself. Leaving the noise behind her, she walked slowly up the stairs to her chambers. It felt like slipping off a heavy blanket, as if she got lighter for every step she climbed. Finally making it to the top, she glanced over at the massive bed, halfway wanting to just collapse and let this day be over, but she knew she would never be able to sleep now. Instead she stepped though the open doors to the closest of the two balconies.

She had always loved the view from up here. Staring out across the snowy mountains, the world seemed so peaceful. From here she couldn’t see the scar in the sky, where the last breach had been. The world from here looked as if none of all this mess had ever happened. It was a pleasant thought.

 

Being alone was comfortable after the loud celebratory feast, and she would have enjoyed the silence if it wasn’t for the stabbing feeling in her heart. He was gone, without any explanation. Without the answers he had promised he would give when Corypheus was defeated. The ones she wanted now more than ever. With a sigh she leaned forward, resting her arms against the railing.

She had refused to believe it at first, everything had been so confusing and strange after her spirit blade finally knocked the ancient bastard to the ground. It had taken her a few moments before she had even noticed that he was missing. She had been so exhausted, after putting all the rest of her energy into the last minutes of the fight, and the visions that had blurred before her eyes as she fell, it had taken her several minutes before she even managed to get back on her feet. And then she had been surrounded by the others, everyone cheering and embracing each other. She had looked for him as soon as she got up, but by then he had gone. At first she just expected him to have gone ahead back, he had never been one for loud cheering. She expected to see him at the feast, but as the hours ticked by, and he was still absent, the realisation hit her like a lightning bolt.

Leliana said she would send out agents to look for him, but somehow Ghilani knew the would find nothing. If he did not want to be found… The tears she had been holding back all night finally won over her stubborness, and a quiet sob forced its way out of her. By all rights, he should have been right her, next to her on the balcony, shoulders slightly touching. As they had done so many times before.

Alone at last, she had the time to process the visions she had had at the end of the battle. It happened so quickly that she barely caught it. The voices from the Well had blared up as she let her guard down, mixed with the intense feeling of relief as it was all over. Mixed with the thoughts of the one person she needed most to see. The voices had reacted to those thoughts specifically. Only the voices had called him by a different name. She recalled it now, leaning against the same railing she had held on to when he first confessed his love. _Ar lath ma vhenan_. Even now, she could hear his voice as clearly as if he really was standing beside her. But those voices. That name, one she knew so well. The more she thought about it the more it made sense. So many things about him that had never seemed to fit. Why the sentinels at the temple had recognized him as one of their kind, but not her. All his knowledge, how he told her there were so many things the Dalish had wrong. Was this how he knew? The voices would know, wouldn’t they? Being the servants of Mythal, surely they would know him as well?

She sank down on the floor, too tired to remain on her feet. Whatever the voices knew or didn’t know, it felt true. As if she had somehow known all along. Maybe this was why she had been so drawn to him from the start. Her friend of old. The only one of the elven pantheon she had ever prayed to. Her heart sank as she realized that this secret was probably why he had left her. This was the answer he was going to tell her after the battle. Only he had never planned to do so after all. Another lie. _Fenedhis_ , why did he have to be so stubborn? This was why he always pulled away, but if he had only told her…

 

The weeks that followed went by in a blur. Ghilani slept as much as she could, blaming it on the exhaustion. In her dreams she kept revisiting her memories of him. Every conversaition they had had, searching for clues to confirm what she already knew in her heart. They were there, though subtle. How he sometimes slipped and said we instead of they. They way something in his eyes had made her wonder if these were his own memories rather than something he had merely witnessed in the Fade. His behaviour when they visited the temple. It all added up. Still, she could not keep herself from seeking out Leliana every day, desperate for some news, struggling to stop herself from hoping. Each time aching as Leliana shook her head.

She stared at the orb for hours. She had retrieved it from the temple the day after the battle, taking in back to her quarters. It had been sitting on her desk for weeks now. Dagna had been by to examine it several times, but they still hardly knew anything about it. Solas had said that it was elven. That it was a foci, used by the ancient elves, to channel the gods’s power. He had said that some were dedicated to specific members of the pantheon. Was that why getting it back was so important to him? Was the orb his? In that case, how did Corypheus come to possess it? She stared at the broken pieces of the orb every day, and she still couldn’t make sense of it.

 

Finally she had to let it go. It had been months, and there was still no sign of him anywhere. The damn orb remained just as much a mystery. She stayed out on the balcony all night, after telling Leliana to call off the search, not even noticing the time passing until the sun started rising and reminded her. Moaning slightly, she got to her feet. She was so exhausted as she stumbled towards the bed that she heard nothing when the intruder approached her. All she saw was a bright green light, and then everything fell apart.


	2. Waking up in Haven. Again.

The sharp burst of pain followed by a bright green light woke her up from her coma. The room was too dark for her to make out where she was, other than the cold hard stone of the floor she kneeled on. Feeling wary, she tried to get up on her feet, but quickly found it to be impossible. Her hands were shackled to the floor, and her legs seemed to have fallen asleep under her. How long had she been sitting here? Where were she? And what the hell had happened? Confused, she started searching her mind for clues. It was all fuzzy, like someone had drawn a veil over her memories. The last thing she remembered was standing on the balcony outside her chambers.

The mark on her hand sparked again, and an involuntary yelp passed her lips. Why was it doing that? If the breach was closed..? Besides, the anchor was larger than she remembered. It hadn’t been like this since before… but _no_. That could not be. Still… growing steadily more and more worried she took a nervous look down, and could not conceal it as she gasped. She was wearing the green mercenary outfit. The one she had worn when she went to the conclave to spy. The bright light from the mark had obscured her vision, but as her eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness she could see more of the room she was in. She had been here before, more than once. She had explored every corner of it with Sera one night they were particularly bored and drunk. Even after Haven had been destroyed, she had returned here. With _him_. The memory of that journey in the Fade was still bright in her mind, just like every other memory she had of him. She knew this room. Those barrels in the corner to her left. The cells surrounding her. Everything was where she remembered. But there was no possible way she could be back here, not after Haven had been buried by the avalanche. She reached out with her magic, but to her great dismay she found nothing to be amiss. Not in the Fade, then. She would have known. Which meant that she really was back here in person. Which could only mean…

She had encountered time magic before, when Alexius sent Dorian and her into the future, so she knew it was possible. But at least then it had been a clear cause, an intent, a reason. And she had known what happened. What would anyone have to gain by sending her back here? Her heart sank as she realised that she’d never have been able to escape Alexius’s trap if it weren’t for Dorian. _He_ was the one who knew how, not her. This time she didn’t have him. Or the amulet.

Footsteps from somewhere ahead of her pulled her out of her musings, and she felt her entire body tensing. Whoever it was, it was unlikely that it would be good news, considering her present state. The door slammed open, and two towering women entered the room. She could not make out their faces, but she would have recognized that voice anywhere. Her suspicions had been correct then. This really was her past.

“Tell me why we should not kill you know” Cassandra snarled as she stormed in, “The conclave is destroyed. Everyone who attended is dead. Except for you.”

Ghilani froze for a moment as her heart sank. She remembered clearly how angry Cassandra had been those first few days. There was no way she would believe that her prisoner was a hero sent from the future. She hesitated for a second before answering. Until she found a way to go back home to her own time, the only possible thing for her to do was retrace the steps she had taken the first time. At least she knew that they would keep her alive.

“Answer me now!” Cassandra yelled, her eyes black with anger.

“You think I’m responsible..?” At least she didn’t need to strain herself to sound confused.

“Explain this!” Cassandra grabbed her hand furiously, exactly the way she had done before.

“I… I can’t” Ghilani stammered, the feeling of dread that had filled her that day was creeping through her body once again.

“What do you mean you can’t?”

“I don’t know what that is, or how it got there, or…” her voice trailed off as she tried to remember what she was supposed to say.

“You’re lying!” Cassandra was yelling now, reaching for her sword before Leliana stepped forward to stop her.

“We need her, Cassandra!” Ghilani closed her eyes in relief at the familiar voice. So far it at least seemed like everything was the same. If she could just keep this up for a while longer, until she could figure out what had happened. At the moment there was really nothing else she could do. Maybe later she could find someone to help her, maybe someone would believe, maybe Solas… _No_. She couldn’t think of that, not now. It hurt too much, and she could not let herself falter now. Instead she opened her mouth to speak again, speaking words she knew were at least close to those she had before.

“All those people… dead. I can’t believe it.” Cassandra glared down at her, but backed away a few steps. Leliana approached her instead.

“Do you remember what happened? How this began?”

“I remember running. There were… things, chasing me. And then… a woman?” with a slight shiver she recalled perfectly the memories she had regained in the Fade.

“A woman?” Leliana’s brows raised in confusion. 

“She reached out to me, but then…” Ghilani nodded weakly. The look on Divine Justina as she fell to her death, sacrificing herself so that Ghilani could escape, was still haunting her.

“Go to the forward camp, Leliana.” Cassandra interrupted. “I will take her to the rift.”

Leliana nodded as she backed out of the room, and Cassandra lowered herself to free Ghilani from the shackles. She sighed in relief. She hadn’t realised until that moment how much the iron had dug into her skin. “

What did happen?” Ghilani whispered.

“It will be…” Cassandra hesitated for a second, “it will be easier to show you.”

 

It felt so strange to do all this over again. The looks on the faces of the people outside the chantry, how hostile everyone was. All these people she had come to know so well. She had gotten so used to having them look at her with respect, some even love, that she had completely forgotten how angry they had all been. There was not a single person here who didn’t already blame her. Not one person who would not strike her down if they could, that much was easy to read from their faces. She could hear more than one of them muttering _knife-ear_ as they walked past. At least Cassandra had composed herself enough to give her a chance.

“There will be a trial. I can promise no more.”

It was like a dream, running up that road again. Like she was watching it all run through before her eyes. Had she died? Is this what they meant when they said your life flashed before you as you die? As they hurried towards the rifts Cassandra explained how they had found her as she stumbled out of a rift in the ruined temple, how they had brought her back to the village. That someone had seen a woman behind her as she emerged, but no one knew who it was. Ghilani didn’t pay much attention. She was just glad that Cassandra was behind her, unable to keep her dread from showing on her face. Knowing they would find another of the smaller rifts as soon as they climbed that first hill. Knowing who would be there. That face she longed so deeply to see again. And worst of all; knowing that he would not know her.

She held her breath as the two of them turned a corner and came upon the first rift. There were four demons fighting below it, three wraiths and one rage demon. But all Ghilani could focus on was the mage casting spells next to Varric. How long had it been since the last time she saw him? How many nights had she spent staring up at the canopy over her bed wishing that she could have another chance to make him stay… but this certainly wasn’t what she had meant.

“ _Fenedhis!_ ” she cursed, as she grabbed her staff tighter and jumped down to join the fight. The last demons went down fast. Too fast, Ghilani thought, knowing what she would have to deal with next.

“Quickly! We must seal it before more come through!” Solas grabbed her hand, and it took all the strength she had not to break down. As soon as the rift was closed she took a step back from him, discretely rubbing her own hands where he had touched her. It felt like it was on fire. She knew she had said something the last time, but now she couldn’t even form a clear thought. She vaguely heard Cassandra and Solas talking about her mark, that it might be used to seal the breach, but was far to dazed to join in.

“It seems you hold the key to our salvation.” Solas’ gentle smile brought her back the the present. She tried her best to look unfazed as she smiled back.

“I’ll do my best then.” _I love you, I miss you, come back to me._

“Good to know. Here I though we’d be ass deep in demons forever.” Varric came up beside her. “Varric Tethras, at your service. Rogue, storyteller, and occasionally unwelcome tag-along.”

“Pleased to meet you!” Ghilani beamed at him. Relieved to be entering safer territory, and enjoying the familiar grumpy look on Cassandra’s face. “That’s a nice crossbow you have there!”

“Aah, isn’t she? Bianca and I have been through a lot together.”

“You named your crossbow Bianca?” she had to comment on it, knowing how much he loved talking about his weapon.

“Of course. And she’ll be great company in the valley.”

“Absolutely not.” Cassandra snorted. “Your help is appreciated Varric, but…”

“Have you been in the valley lately, Seeker? Your soldiers aren’t in control anymore.” Varric retorted. “You need me.”

Cassandra made a disgusted noise, but didn’t reply. Of course, Varric was right.

“My name is Solas, if there are to be introductions.” She heard from behind her. Biting down on her lip, she turned around to face Solas. “I am pleased to see you still live.”

“He means ‘I kept that mark from killing you while you slept’” Varric chuckled.

“Thank you.” Ghilani said, finally daring to make eyecontact. “You seem to know a great deal about it all.” _Of course you do, the mark is yours._

“Like you, Solas is an apostate.” Cassandra interrupted.

“Isn’t all mages apostates now, technically?” Ghilani answered, mimicking Solas’ comment from the last time she were here.

“Indeed.” Solas replied, nodding in approval. “You should know, Cassandra. The magic involved here is unlike anything I have seen. Your prisoner is a mage, but I find it difficult to believe any mage could hold such power.”

“Understood.” Cassandra nodded, with a solemn expression. Ghilani just stared down at her hands, uncertain how to proceed. For so long she had wanted to hear his voice, to see his grey-blue eyes. But this just made the pain worse. To have him look at her with _indifference_ , it was too much, too soon.

“We must get to the forward camp quickly.” Cassandra finally said. “Leliana will be waiting for us.”

“Well.” Varric smiled to Ghilani. “Bianca’s excited!”

 

The fight was so much easier this time. She had been a strong enough mage even before she joined the Inquisition, strong enough that the Keeper had allowed her to go alone. But after all these months fighting demons and templars and whatnot had honed her skills into an almost unimaginable edge. Especially after Josephine had sent for intructors to help her widen her abilities. Training under Commander Helaine had made Ghilani a nearly unstoppable force of energy.

The Pride Demon that had emerged from the rift as she interacted with it was snarling as it marched in her direction, but was quickly stunned by a bolt of lightning. She could not hide her smile as she watched it falter, and then turn towards the others fighting lesser demons. Cassandra was already racing towards it, sword up and ready. Ghilani took a moment to survey the battle field. Varric had pulled back to stand on the other side of the rift, focusing his arrows at a couple of wraiths circling the area around Leliana and the archers. Solas was holding his own against a rage demon a few paces away from Ghilani. The only real threat at the moment was the Pride demon. Ghilani nodded to herself, smiling at the thought of finally getting to use her powers.

The last time she was here, she had kept back, letting Cassandra and the other warriors keep the pride demon occupied while she and Solas fired spells from a distance. But she was a different kind of mage now. Ghilani no longer led from behind the lines. With an almost smug grin she jumped down from the ledge she had been perching on, and snuck up behind the demon. She could see the flicker of surprise in Cassandra’s eyes as the mage approached, and it amused her, but she had other things to concern her now. Focusing on keeping her breathing even she raised her right hand in front of her and summoned the spirit blade she had become so fond of. The first hit stunned the demon for a few seconds, before it roared furiously. She almost giggled to herself as she kept alternating lightning bolts and spirit blade strikes. Using the techniques Commander Helaine taught her, she used stray magic to build up a barrier around herself, getting stronger with each hit she made. Inside the barrier she was safe, and could focus solely on offense. Keeping a close watch on her companions, she occasionally cast barriers around them as well, allowing herself a moment to enjoy Solas’ confused frown as one of her barriers and a lightning bolt stopped a demon from sneaking up on him.

She had lost herself completely in the fighting, blocking out all other sensations when she heard Varric yelling behind her.

“More demons coming through!”

Ghilani risked a glance over her shoulder while the pride demon was focused on Cassandra, and saw two lesser demons sliding towards her, and another edging towards Solas. She flashed a smile at the two coming towards her, allowing them to get closer before she whirled around and struck the first one down with her glowing sword. Without a seconds pause she fired a blast of fire at the other one, causing it to crumble to the ground in a pile of smoldering ashes. It felt good. This, at least was how it should be. With everything else being all messed up it was good to feel like herself again, if only for a moment. The magic flowing through her entire body gave her back the confidence she so desperately needed. She answered the incredulous looks coming from her other companions with an innocent smile before she turned her blade back on the pride demon.

It didn’t take them long to defeat it, with everyone now focusing all their power at it. As it fell, she turned around to face the breach again, waiting for the slight change that always followed after killing the demons it spawned. This time she did not wait for Solas’s command to hit it, to finish it before more demons came through, she just focused all her strength and fired. This time she remembered, and was not surprised as the world blurred around her and she passed out.

The last thing she heard before everything went dark was a soft “wow” coming from Varric.


	3. Herald of Andraste.

When she opened her eyes she was back in Haven, in the small house they had put her in after the fight with the pride demon. Ghilani closed her eyes again as the disappointment flowed through her. She had hoped that this was all a dream, that she would wake up in her own bed at Skyhold. But no. It had been about a week, and she was still here. She waited a few minutes, remembering the young stuttering elf that had stumbled in here the last time, but this time nothing happened. She frowned slightly and bit down on her lower lip, before shrugging and moving to get out of the bed. It was hardly important.

The thought of all the people that would be waiting for her outside that door was unsettling. Being called the Herald of Andraste had always made her uncomfortable, even if she had pretended to accept it. It felt all wrong. Andraste was not her prophet. The Maker was not her God. But if that was who she needed to be to make things right, she would pretend. For their sake. Taking a deep breath to steady herself she opened the door and walked out. It wasn’t as bad as she remembered. This time people had not lined up outside to cheer on her. Probably because the young elven girl hadn’t run out and told everyone that she was awake. Still, the ones who were there cheered more than enough, and their words were just the same.

“That’s her! That’s the Herald of Andraste.”

_No. I’m not._

She hurried past them, careful not to make eye contact as she made her way quickly to the Chantry, where she knew Cassandra and the others would be waiting. This time she did not wait outside the door to eavesdrop, but walked straight inside as soon as she got there.

“You walk a dangerous line, Seeker.” Ghilani just caught Ser Roderick’s icy words as she entered.

“The Breach is stable, but it is still a threat.” Cassandra aknowledged Ghilani’s arrival with a sharp nod before continuing. “I will not ignore it.”

“I did everything I could to close it.” Ghilani offered, as the others turned to look at her. “It almost killed me.”

“Yet you live.” Roderick glared at her. “A convenient result, insofar as you’re concerned.”

“Have a care, chancellor. The Breach is not the only threat we face.” Cassandra scowled at him.

“Someone was behind the explosion at the conclave. Someone Most Holy did not expect.” Leliana took a step towards them, giving Roderick a glare that was just as cold as his. “Perhaps they died with the others. Or have allies that yet live.”

“ _I_ am a suspect?” Roderick gasped.

“You, and many others.”

Ghilani stood back and let them argue. Her interference would do no good here. And knowing that they would need him to survive later, she didn’t want to antagonize Roderick any more than she had to. Still, she couldn’t stop herself from asking the one question she still struggled with.

“Do you really believe your Maker would send someone like me?”

“The Maker does as he wills. It is not for me to say.” Cassandra raised her brows.

“Even if it means a Dalish elf is his chosen?” Out of the corner of her eye she could see Roderick opening his mouth to argue, but Cassandra was quicker.

“Humans are not the only people with an interest in the fate of the world.”

“The Breach remains, and your mark is still our only hope of closing it.” Leliana added, before Roderick interrupted again.

“This is NOT for you to decide.” Cassandra sneered, and slammed a giant book on the table.

“Do you know what this is, chancellor? A writ from the Divine, grating us authority to act.”

Ghilani stared at the book while the others argued, enjoying the feeling of purpose that returned to her body. No matter how little she wanted to be the Herald of Andraste, she did believe in their cause. She had long before she met these people. Ever since the Keeper had told her and the others about what was going on. It was one of the reasons she had wanted to go. This might not be the same time or place she had come from, but it was still the part she was meant to play. Or one of them, anyway. Of course she would help them, again, even if it meant that she would have to go through everything all over again. As she finally shook Cassandra’s hand she found herself wondering, for the first time since leaving Skyhold, if she truly could leave this place. If this world was the same as the one she had left, as it seemed to be, then she was still the only one who could seal the Breach. If she left… wouldn’t they be doomed?

 

It was fascinating how fast word spread of her divine providence. Everywhere they went she was hailed as their new prophet. It bothered her even more this time. She had gotten so used to being called Inquisitor, a name she was far more comfortable with, a name that felt much less like blasphemy. She had never been particularly religious, there was really only one of their own gods she had relied on, or maybe two, but still. Sometimes she wondered if anyone here even knew her name. It seemed unlikely. Varric was the only one who didn’t call her Herald.

“So, now that Cassandra is out of earshot, how are you holding up? I mean, you go from being the most wanted criminal in Thedas to joining the armies of the faithful.” He raised a brow. “Most people would have spread that out over more than one day.”

“Yeah, I did not see that coming.” _Ooh, yes you did._

“I doubt anyone did, Foxie. I’m still can’t believe you survived Cassandra.”

“Foxie?” Ghilani grinned, nodding to herself while running a hand through her bright orange hair. “I like that.”

“Glad to hear it. It sure beats _‘Herald_ ’.”

“Oh, I couldn’t agree more.” she sighed. “I’d like to have a word with whoever came up with that name.”

“I think that was Cassandra.” Varric chuckled.

“Ah.” Ghilani frowned, and snickered, “Maybe not, then.”

 

She found herself seeking out Solas as often as she could, pretending that she was merely interested in what little he had told her about his travelling in the Fade. It hurt, not being able to talk to him the way they had before he had left her, not being able to touch him. But even more so… his _indifference_. Even after he left her she had known deep inside that he had cared about her. But now… he was only being polite. Even so, her feet kept leading her towards where he stood outside the apothecary’s house. However much it hurt, she needed to hear his voice. It always used to make her feel like she was home. Now it was more like an echo of the past, but even so… it was as close as she would ever come to the man she had known.

“The chosen of Andraste. A blessed hero sent to save us all.” Solas smiled at her as she approached him in Haven. She smiled back, taking comfort in her familiarity with this conversation.

“Am I riding in on a shining steed?” she quickly responded, grinning.

“I would have suggested a griffon, but sadly they’re all extinct.” He looked away with a slight touch of sadness. Startled, Ghilani realised that he had been around long before they disappeared. He could have seen them as they were before. Yet another thing he had watched getting lost through the ages. Ghilani let her mind drift as he talked of how he had travelled deep into the fade, letting herself be calmed by the rythm of his voice as he spoke. Even if she already knew the answers, she still asked him to tell her more. Just to hear him speak.

“I will stay then,” he finally declared. “At least until the breach is closed.”

“Was that in doubt?” She couldn’t even imagine how different everything had been if he hadn’t been there to guide her all the way. Even with the way things had ended, the thought still made her shiver. _I would be lost._

“I am an apostate mage, surrounded by chantry forces. And unlike you, I do not have a divine mark protecting me. Cassandra has been accomodating, but you understand my concern.”

“You came here to help, Solas.” She smiled gently at him. “I won’t let them use that against you.”

“How would you stop them?” he stared at her.

“Well…” Ghilani hesitated, “I thought I’d tell them that if anyone here mistreats you, then I’m out. I’ll leave them to deal with the breach on their own. I might add some threats of more demons and blood mages as well, just for fun. Or maybe setting the village on fire.”

“Would you truly leave them behind to face certain doom upon the world, just to protect me?” he shook his head, frowning.

“No, of course not.” She smirked. “But I doubt anyone would dare to take that risk.” He shook his head and chuckled.

“Indeed. Thank you. For now let us hope that either the templars or the mages have the power to seal the breach.”

 

The first few weeks passed by rather quickly. So far it seemed that everything was happening the same way it had happened before, making it that much easier to solve the problems that came along. She tried to feign ignorance, to pretend that she merely had good instincts, but she had never been a very good liar. Already she could see the sceptical looks Varric had begun shooting in her direction whenever she looked his way, and the frown that appeared more and more often on Solas’ face as he saw though her lies. As he always did. And Cassandra still threatened to have her executed every few days, still not completely convinced of her innocence. Clearly suspecting, correctly so, that Ghilani knew more than she was telling them. If she did not do better than this, she wouldn’t be able to keep this up much longer. And as much as she tried to ignore it, all this lying was starting to get to her. Even surrounded by all this people, some which she counted among her closest friends, she had never felt so alone. She desperately needed someone to talk to, but who would believe her? The only one she could think of that would believe any of this crap was Dorian, but he was not here, and he was not the man she knew. Not yet. If she could only keep up the facade until after Redcliffe, after Alexius. Then, Dorian would have experienced time travel himself. She had to believe that that would make him more receptible, because if he wasn’t… So for now she rushed things as much as she could, doing her best to convince Cassandra and Cullen that the mages were their best bet. Aching inside each time Josephine pointed out that they did not yet have enough influence to approach either the mages or the templars safely.

 

“Damn you filthy beast!” Ghilani shouted as the druffalo crashed into her from behind, pain shooting down her back and left leg. She had been so preoccupied with the other one that she hadn’t seen it approach her. With a frustrated hiss she cast a firespell that made both animals go up in flames. The spell was way too powerful for such an easy battle, but it helped her let off some steam. Literally.

Feeling only slightly better she walked over to the large rock in the middle of the field, and climbed up to sit at the top. With her staff resting by her side, she bent down to examine her leg. She could already tell that her back would be sore for days, but it was the leg that really hurt.

“Oouch,” she hissed again as she surveyed the blossoming marks on her thigh and knee. “Crap.” It would take her at least an hour to heal those damages. A skilled healer could have done it faster, but there was no way she would let anyone see her like this. Never.

She always went out in the forest surrounding the village after the conversations with Solas, under the pretense of hunting for food. The need to be alone with her overwhelming sadness led her here almost every day now, taking her frustration out on every poor ram or druffalo that happened to get in her way. It was the only way she knew. And with all the new recruits coming to Haven each day, more food _was_ needed.

 

It was even worse that day. Solas had brushed her off completely, saying he had things he needed to take care of. She was almost proud of herself for not losing it right then, amazed that she managed to get out of sight before falling apart. This was just too much. She realised she would have to stay away from him if she was going to keep this up, at least for now. And the thought of that sickened her. She was huddled up against a large rock, so lost in her own misery that she didn’t even hear the footsteps that approached her.

“So, Foxie, care to tell me what’s really going on?” Tensing up, she felt Varric settling down next to her.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She mumbled, bare audible. He chuckled beside her.

“Yeah, nice try.” He put a hand on her shoulder, “What’s wrong? Honestly?”

“Nothing.” She forced herself to stop sobbing, and sat up, keeping her eyes on everything but the dwarf beside her. He snorted.

“Yeah, I can see that.” He sighed, “The others might not have picked up on your strange behavior, but my skills of observation are pretty damn impressive. I’ve seen how you look at people, how you sneak out here everytime you can get away.”

She could feel him staring at her, but still couldn’t make herself talk.

“Look, I’m a pretty good listener. And I promise I won’t tell Cassandra.”

“You wouldn’t believe me even if I did tell you.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and glanced over at him.

“You know,” he frowned, “I’m a professional liar. I can believe almost anything. Besides, after all that shit Hawke got us into, I’ve probably heard worse.”

“I seriously doubt that.” She forced a smile. “But okay. Just remember that I told you so…” She sighed. Where to begin? “Uhm, so… you’ve already noted how I act strangely, how I seem to know things that I shouldn’t?” she looked at him, waiting for a response. He nodded, frowning. “Well, that’s because I already know what’s going to happen before they do. I…”

“Are you going to tell me that you’re phsycic?” he interrupted with a grin.

“No!” she glared at him. “It’s not like that. I know what’s going to happen, because I’ve already gone through all of this before! I’ve lived this, all of it. I know how it’s going to play out, how it’s going to end, because I’ve been there.” She stopped, hesitating, “I have no idea how this happened, how I ended up back here… and I know that all this sounds ridiculous, impossible even, but that doesn’t make it any less true.” She glared at him, “So that’s it, you can start laughing now.”

“Shit.” He smirked, looking up at her. “You’re right, that is messed up.”

“Yeah, that’s an understatement…” she sighed. “You don’t actually believe me, do you?”

“You know, oddly enough I do.” Varric chuckled at the look of disbelief on Ghilani’s face.

“Why?”

“Because, Foxie, you’re a terrible liar.” He shook his head solemnly, “and as messed up as it is, the story actually makes some sense.” He looked at her, waiting for some sort of response. When he realised he wouldn’t get one, he shrugged and got to his feet, holding out a hand to her. “At any rate, let’s get back before the Seeker starts seeking.”

 

……

 

They had set up camp for the night, by the edge of Lake Calenhad. It was on their way back to Haven from Redliffe, having met both Alexius and Dorian for the first time. Even if he didn’t know her yet, it had felt good to see Dorian again. He was, or would be, the best friend she had ever had, and just hearing his voice actually made her feel a lot better. She had been able to relax a bit more in the last week and a half, having at least one person she could talk to. Varric had been a good friend, and had joined her on her hunting trips more than once to keep her company. He kept asking her all sorts of questions, making her wonder if he had a new book in mind. Right now, though, he was busy bickering with Cassandra over by the fireplace. She sat there silently for a while, just listening to them arguing without actually paying enough attention to even know what it was they were on about this time. Without a word she got up and walked over to the water instead, settling herself behind one of the boulders there to shield herself from their view.

“Care for some company?” she didn’t need to open her eyes to see who it was. That voice was all to familiar.

“Sure.” She said, silently cursing to herself. She was too tired for this now.

“It occurs to me that I have never asked for your name.” She opened her eyes in surprise. Raising a brow in confusion as she realised it was true. She had forgotten that he did not know.

“Ah,” she said and shrugged. “Most people haven’t. They seem to be satisfied with Herald or Lavellan. Or Foxie.” She smiled at him.

“May I ask for it now?” he smiled back.

“Of course. It’s Ghilani.” He grinned, recognizing the elven word.

“How fitting.”

“I suppose it is.” She frowned, “it’s never been before though. I’ve never felt like much of a guide.”

“You were the Keeper’s apprentice, were you not?” he asked.

“Yes.” She nodded, allowing herself a smile “but I would have made a terrible Keeper.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I..” She thought about it, “I never really belonged with the Dalish, I think. At least not with my own clan. I was always alone.” Hesitating a bit, she looked down on her feet a second before she continued, just wanting to see his reaction. “The closest thing to a friend I had was the statue of Fen’Harel.”

Had she not been looking for it, she would have missed the flicker in his eyes and the slight intake of breath before he composed himself again. It took all the willpower she had not to grin, instead she just smiled innocently, before opening her mouth again,

“and since part of the Keeper’s responsibility is protecting the clan from the Dread Wolf, I hardly think I fit the part. Still, she insisted. There were… a lot of arguing involved.”

“That is…I am sorry to hear that.” He answered slowly. She just shugged.

“It hardly matters now though.”

They sat in silence after that, just looking at the calm water. She risked casting quick glances at him, longing to lean in to him, resting her head on his shoulder the way she had done so many times before.

 

“So… Chuckles, huh?” Varric grinned as her eyes widened in shock. They were almost back at Haven. Ghilani had let her beloved hart trail a bit behind the others, trying to avoid talking to Cassandra. She had been so lost in though that she hadn’t even noticed that Varric had stopped to wait for her. She just stared at him.

“Ah, come on Foxie. I’ve seen the way you look at him when he’s not watching you. I’m sensing a story here.” He winked at her.

“Well… we sort of have a past. Or future, or something.” she frowned down at her hands, “but it’s different now. He doesn’t see me that way. He’s just, indifferent.” She glared at Varric, “and I really don’t want to talk about it. It’s hard enough as it is.” Varric just shrugged.

“As you wish. But I don’t think he is as indifferent as you think. You’re not the only one throwing glances.” With that he raced forward to join the others again, leaving Ghilani with her thoughts.

His words had definitely had the impact he probably intended, but still. She knew she shouldn’t get her hopes up. He probably just looked at her because she had mentioned Fen’Harel a few times. But even so… She dreamt about him that night. How could she not. They were in Haven, the Fade version. The one were they had had their first kiss. His eyes as he looked at her after she kissed him, before he pulled her back in. The slight smile as he shook his head between the kisses. It repeated before her eyes, again and again. The memory had haunted her for weeks, even before she was sent back here. And the words he had said kept playing over and over in her mind, echoing through the entire dream.

_“You change… everything.”_

If only that were true.


	4. Dreams of her past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting another chapter today, courtesy of me not having slept the last few nights, and thereby having lots of time to write.  
> Make sure you read chapter 3 as well, is all I'm saying. 
> 
> It would be sad if you didn't. Varric is cool in that one.

She wanted so badly to tell him the truth, to tell him all that she knew. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Not yet. She feared he would pull away from her, even sooner than he had done the last time. She feared he would be angry. If she could only make him understand that she did not fear him, that she never had. If she could find the words to explain to him that learning the truth about who he was had not made her love him less, quite the opposite. But it was too soon for that. Their relationship had not even begun yet, not here. It would have to wait. Instead she passed her free time clutching tight to anything that reminded her of her life before all this happened.

In her sleep, wandering the Fade on her own, she visited her old memories. She went back to her clan, as it had been in her childhood. Even if she had never truly belonged, they had still been her family, been her whole world. After her mother and brother died, the clan was all she had left. Her life. Standing silently, watching the events as she remembered them, she observed the small child. No more than five or six years old. Small even for her age, with ears too large for her head and a mess of fiery hair falling unruly down her back. The other kids used to tease her about it. Saying her head was on fire. It didn’t bother her as much anymore. She didn’t need any of them.

Ghilani watched her, the way her forest-green eyes cast catious glances over her shoulder as she snuck away from the camp and into the trees. It was not until she was hidden among the trees that she let out the breath she had been holding, and relaxed her shoulders. The forest had always been the only place she could breathe properly.

“ _Aneth ara_ , my friend.” the words were silent and soft as she sank down into the grass next to the statue facing away from the camp, letting her tiny hand stroke down it’s back with a sigh. The sun had just disappeared beneath the trees in the distance. The little girl would fall asleep there later that night, next to her beloved wolf. Knowing that at some point during the night the Keeper would come looking for her. Knowing that she would be scolded, _again,_ the next day. And knowing she would still return the next night. She remembered how lost she had felt during that time. After what happened months earlier. The cut on her face was still bright red, and the ones in her heart ached to the point of blocking out everything else. The little girl had always felt different, she just hadn’t known how much so. She still couldn’t make herself tell anyone about her newfound magic, knowing that doing so would lead to questions about how she had come to discovering it. Questions about why it made her cry. Why she had wanted to hide it.

Slowly she could feel the dream starting to shape itself to her dark thoughts, the clearing around her starting to morph into another, less pleasant one. Angry voices starting to penetrate the silence. With a deep breath she shut them out, focusing on the little girl and her wolf. She would not go there. Not tonight. Not ever, if she had any say in it. Being there once had been enough. Instead she focused on the memory in front of her, the one she had come for. The little girl moved to lay down next to her statue, staring up at the stars. Her green eyes a perfect match to the moss beneath her. Ghilani felt a tear running down her cheek as she remembered all the times she had snuck out there as a child, and all the reasons why. She had felt rebellious, wild, and in that she had found her freedom. It was another secret she held on to, the one thing that was hers alone. Something that made her sort of happy. It was something that could separate her from the others, while still feeling that she belonged to something. Like she had a friend no one else knew of. She would continue to sneak out to him regularly even as she grew older, talking to the statue in a way that she never could with the others. If only that little girl had known what was to come. How close she would actually come to him in her future. Maybe that would have given her hope, maybe that could have soothed her in those lonely nights.

Ghilani turned her back on the little girl, leaving her lying in the grass beside the wolf humming to herself. She walked through the trees in silence, focusing on the memories she wanted to visit. It was easy for her, having done it so often before. She closed her eyes for a second, and when she opened them she was once more standing in a clearing. The forest was different here, the trees were a different kind, and closer together. But the statue was the same. Silently gazing away from the camp she knew was close behind her. The girl leaning against it had the same bright red hair, but longer, and braided to hang down over her left shoulder. Her face was still bare, save for the scar, it would still be years before she got her vallaslin. She was older than in the previous memory, about 9. The age she had been when Keeper Istimaethoriel chose her as her First. Ghilani had protested, she had no interest in becoming a Keeper, but her complaints were ignored. There were two other mages in the clan, they had also been trained as candidates. Ghilani had always hoped one of them would be chosen. But she was stronger than them. And she was a Dreamer, which never failed to intrigue the Keeper. It was a rare gift, and made even rarer by the fact that she even as a child proved to be strong enough to resist the demons. The Keeper claimed that was a sign. The oldest of the other two was already preparing to be sent to one of the other clans in the area. The other one would stay for now, training as the Keeper’s second. At least that made Ghilani feel a little bit better. It meant that the Keeper had some trace of doubt about her. Surely the other one would be sent away otherwise? She had to believe that, to cling on to some semblance of sanity. Perhaps if she just showed Keeper Istimaethoriel that she had no intention of giving up her worship of the Dread Wolf she could save herself.

Despite her name, Ghilani had never wanted to be a guide, or a leader. She just wanted to be left alone. She had already played with the thought of running away from her clan. But where would she go? She hardly knew anything about the world outside the clan. Could she even survive on her own? She had reluctantly decided to wait until she got older. And now that choice was taken away from her. It felt like a cage. So as soon as the rest of the clan had fallen asleep, young Ghilani had snuck back out here, where she could let her feelings loose. Closing her eyes, as she leaned back to feel the familiar rough stone press towards her, letting her tears flow without even trying to stop them.

“What am I going to do now, _ma fen_?” the young girl whispered, choking on the words. “I’m stuck. _Ma halani_ , Fen’Harel. Please take me away from here. I’m so… lost”

The two versions of Ghilani stayed there together for a long time, both of them crying for mostly the same reasons. If only the wolf had heard her prayers. If he had only come to her. Would things had turned out differently? If he had heard her then, would he have recognized her later? So much heartache could have been avoided if she had only known the truth from the start. Or now, if she could only tell him all that she knew. How much would change then? She was almost scared to imagine. What if she lost him again? Even if everything else fell apart, she could deal with it if she had him. On the other hand… even saving the world would mean nothing if he was lost. Again. She had already lost too much. Too many. It would break her. Irreparable, and irreversible this time. There was no point in denying that. Since that childhood incident she had promised herself to never let anyone that close again. Never again let anyone close enough to consider family. But then _he_ came along, and changed everything. And then she had lost him as well. Her heart couldn’t take any more loss now.

The older Ghilani went further in, shaping the dream around her to take her where she wanted. The woman in front of her now looked almost exactly like she did. Her striking red hair drawn back in a lazy ponytail. The same vallaslin honoring Mythal. The goddess she would later actually pledge herself to. The grotesque cut across her left eyes was now fully healed, leaving only a significant scar that would never truly go away. Just as well, the other scars she carried inside would never heal either. Not really. Some things could never be forgotten. Some things shouldn’t.

This was the day she left her clan. There had been an argument moments earlier, and Ghilani’s eyes were still red from crying. There had been many such arguments that last week, after the Keeper announced that she wanted to send someone to spy on the conclave. She had said that the war threatened them as much as the humans, and that whatever the outcome of this gathering was, they needed to know. Keeper Istimaethoriel had chosen the other remaining mage to do it, as she was to leave the clan as it was. But Ghilani had insisted. She wanted to be the one to go. It got ugly. The Keeper confronted her with her continuing affection for the Dread Wolf, to which Ghilani replied that that was another good reason to send her away. Wasn’t this the real reason why the Keeper had kept a second apprentice? Had she not always had doubts? There were yelling. Ghilani snapped, challenging the Keeper with the truth they both already knew, that she was a terrible choice for a Keeper. She said she was planning on leaving anyway, and that this way at least she could serve the clan in some way. The Keeper had reluctantly agreed, finally. The other mage seemed pleased enough to be bumped up to being the Keeper’s First.

Even though her relationship with her clan was strained at best, it was still sad leaving them behind. At least a few of them were somewhat dear to her. The older woman who had taken her in when her mother died. Hahren Vallas, with all his great stories. Craftswoman Maren, who had made a tiny carving of a wolf on Ghilani’s first staff, and told her it would be their little secret. Leaving was what she wanted, but the thought of being on her own for the first time frightened her. Still, she knew in her heart that this was what she needed to do. So when the time came, she said goodbye to her clan, and went on her way. She only walked far enough to be out of sight however, before she doubled back to say goodbye to her friend. She placed a single flower in front of the statue, and kneeled in front of it.

“Goodbye, my friend. Wish me luck! _Dareth shiral_.” The dreaming Ghilani watched herself as she placed a gentle kiss on the statue’s forehead, closing her eyes before turning away from it. As the girl walked away she followed close behind. So much would happen to her in the weeks that followed, even before she reached Haven. It was the first time she had left the clan on her own, other that short hunting trips. It was the first time she would have to deal with humans other than to chase them off, the first time she would actually have to interact with them. Although, despite the panic that always bubbled up inside her when she met new people, she would prove herself to be kind of good at it. Surprisingly so. In retrospect Ghilani wondered if the girl would have been so eager to leave if she had known about all the danger it would put her in. She could never have imagined how drastically her life would change. At that point she still believed that she would be able to return once her spying mission was completed. Now she had started to wonder if she would ever return at all. If she still even had a place there, other than resting against a stone wolf, crying herself to sleep.

_If I had stayed I would never have met him. I would have never known love._

Ignoring the wild beating of her heart, she left the younger version of herself to her journey and reached out for a more recent memory. Ever since she arrived back here in Haven she had wanted to do this, but had dreaded it too much to ever even attempt it. But she could not hold it in any longer. The longing got the better of her. When she opened her eyes again she was with him. Standing so close together they were almost touching. She watched him as he talked about his travels in the Fade, spirits he had met. Watched how his eyes seemed to change when he looked at her. They were standing next to a lake, with Inquisiton tents in the background. He would lean over to kiss her inbetween sentences, casually grabbing her hand to stroke her palm, softly smiling at the way it always made her shiver. She saw the two of them resting in each others arms on his couch in the rotunda. Him reading a book, and her indulging in a moment of peace. Even watching from a distance, she could feel the warmth of his body next to hers, feel the tingling as he absentmindedly ran his hand up the side of her her body, or him breathing in the scent of her hair. She could smell him as well. The scent of trees and moss that always seemed to surround him. The smell of her beloved forests. The one thing that let her breathe properly. Up there in the mountains, this was her home. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Dorian watching them from the balcony above, smiling at the sight of them.

She travelled through her dreams to see herself and the man she loved sleeping in each others arms. Fighting side by side. Walking hand in hand. Talking, arguing, laughing. Healing each other when they fell down. Protecting one another. She saw them on the balcony the day he confessed his love. And she revisited the day he left her. The way he, before walking away, never seemed to be able to stop touching her.

She woke up crying. Curling herself up into a ball of hurt, glad to be alone. She had known this would happen, that her body would react like this. But she missed him so much, even though she saw him practically everyday. It wasn’t the same. She wondered if it ever would be again. That thought made her shudder. In spite of the pain it never failed to bring her, she was unable to stop herself from returning almost every night.

She would run to Dorian or Varric when she managed to pull herself together. Craving their company. And without hesitating they would come to her aid, distracting her with something to do or a story to keep her mind off her dreams. None of them ever asked, but she knew that they had guessed what brought her to them. She knew that they talked about her behind her back, but she didn’t mind. They were her friends. Without Solas, without those she had lost, they were her only family. And she knew that they, unlike a certain someone, would never leave her behind. No matter if they should disagree or doubt, the two of them would never fail to be there for her.

On the days she really needed distraction, she would spend the evenings getting drunk with Sera. Exploring every corner of Haven, and hearing her extreme and unbelieveable tales of the Friends never failed to make Ghilani smile. The younger elf always knew what to say to make her laugh. Though in a much different way than the other two, Sera truly was a good friend.

She would have to tell him at some point, however much it scared her. As soon as their relationship was strong enough, as soon as he let her closer. Perhaps in those short weeks that passed between him confessing his love and him leaving her behind. Maybe this time she could change the outcome. But for now she would have to keep quiet. Pretend that she only saw him as the frowning hobo apostate, guiding her along. She kept bringing him along whenever they sent her out on missions, and sought out his advice as much as she could, while trying not to give anything away. Still she could not help herself, letting small hints squeeze their way into their short conversations. For now that was all she could do.


	5. Attack on Haven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out to be a bit longer than planned, so I split it in two. Might be posting the second half later tonight, or tomorrow if I can't get it ready.  
> Also, I feel sort of bad for Cullen in this part. He must be so confused!

Ghilani paced back and forth, biting her lower lip as she tried to gather her thoughts. The last of the mages had finally arrived at Haven, allowing them to begin preparing for the assault on the Breach. Just thinking about it chilled her to the bones, as she remembered how close she had come to failing the last time. Luck alone had kept her alive that night. But that was not the reason she was out here in the forest now, chewing on herself. She had to talk to Cassandra.

The others didn’t know, had no way of knowing, about the attack that would follow after the sealing of the Breach. But she did. She remembered, all too well. Just the thought of having to explain that to the others frightened her, but how could she keep quiet when there was a chance that her information could save lives? So many innocents had died the last time. What if her information, the warning that only she could give, could save them? Or at least some of them? Wasn’t even one saved life enough reason for her to act?

Her relationship with Cassandra had improved greatly after they had defeated Alexius together, but even so… for a person so pious, Cassandra was surprisingly cynical. Getting the Seeker to believe this would be next to impossible. How do you even start a conversation like that? A small part of her wanted to take Varric with her, since he already knew, and he was so much better at explaining things, but that would probably only make it worse. The two of them in the same room was rarely a good idea. _Ugh_ , this would be unpleasant at best. She should have taken Varric’s advise and run away the first time she woke up at Haven.

She climbed up on her usual rock and leaned back to look up at the clouds. This whole Inquisition thing had felt so much easier the last time she were here. She wasn’t even supposed to be leading it yet! It was just so hard to give up on the habits she had buildt during her three years as Inquisitor. She had looked for Cassandra earlier, and almost approached her, but lost her nerve when she saw the Seeker talking to Cullen. Instead she came out here, cowardly lounging on her large rock. Strange how much of her life she was spending leaning up on rocks. With a nervous snort she realised that the forces she would be leading would make it’s home literally on the top of giant rocks. All these rocks in her life. She should have been born a dwarf. If only her statue was here. Instead of it’s more real, and infinately more attractive, elven self. Though much lovelier, he was definately less helpful to her in her present situation.

Finally she pulled herself together and started walking back towards the village. They would be heading up to the Temple in a few hours. If her information was to have any effect at all, Cassandra would need some time to prepare. There was no more time to lose. After discovering that Cassandra was missing from her usual place by the practice dummies, Ghilani hurried up to the Chantry. There was really only one other place Cassandra would be at this point.

Thinking she just had to get this over with, she bursted into the war room without knocking. Cassandra and Leliana looked up from the table, looking surprised and slightly annoyed at the interruption. Ghilani thought about asking Leliana to leave, but changed her mind. _It might be easier with her here_. She took a last deep breath, before looking straight into Cassandra’s eyes. “There is something I need to tell you…” she bit down on her lower lip again, before she started telling her story.

The two of them stared incredulously, as if they expected her to start laughing at any moment. Instead she looked down at her boots and continued,

“I know this sounds riduculous. I realise that. But it’s the truth.” She looked up at Leliana. “Your agents in the area, some of them have gone missing, haven’t they?”

Leliana’s eyes narrowed, but she nodded.

“This is why. The Elder One sent his own agents ahead to make sure they could take us by surprise.” She took a deep breath. “I understand if you don’t believe me. But I beg you, please trust me on this. I’m not saying that we should change the plan, we still need to close the breach. And we will, I know that. I’m just asking you to be prepared. Tell Cullen to have his men ready, tell him it’s just a precaution or something. And keep an eye on Ser Roderick, we’re going to need him.” She stopped to think for a second, to remember what else was important. “the attack will happen about an hour after the breach is closed. It’s a massive force. When it happens, get the people into the Chantry as soon as you possibly can. He has a dragon.”

That seemed to snap Cassandra out of her shocked state. “A _dragon?_ ” she sneered.

“Yes. Or an archdemon or something, we never really found out exactly what it was. But it’s huge, and it will destroy Haven. Get everyone into the chantry, Ser Roderick knows a way out from there.”

“And where will you be as this goes on?”

“I…” Ghilani swallowed, “I stay behind to disctract him. It’s me he wants, or the mark on my hand. When you get away from here, if I don’t make it…” she had to stop as she choked, “If I don’t make it, follow Solas. He knows a place you can go.”

The room was silent for a few minutes, as Cassandra and Leliana seemed to think it all over.

“You don’t have to believe me.” Ghilani snapped. “But would it hurt to at least be prepared, just in case I’m right?”

With those words she turned on her heel and marched out. She had done what she could, and hopefully they would do as she advised. If not… then this could get ugly.

 

Even if she knew it was coming, the size of the army marching towards them still shocked her. Had it really been that large? For a moment all she could do was stare. Then she snapped back into action. She caught Cassandra’s eyes from across the bonfire, she was looking incredulously back and forth between Ghilani and the horde.

“Varric!” Ghilani shouted towards where she knew he stood behind the fire, hesitating a second before continuing, “bring Dorian and Bull, and meet me by the gates. NOW!”

She wanted to bring Solas, but the thought of endangering him was just too much. And if this went wrong, the others would need him even more. She barely took the time to see Varric nod before she ran past him towards Cullen. He was by the gates already, yelling out orders to the soldiers around him. She had just got there when she heard the loud knocking on the gates. _Cole,_ she smiled softly to herself, _my friend_.

“I can’t come in unless you open!” Ghilani didn’t wait for Cullen to react, instead she ran to the gates to let the boy in.

“I came to warn you, to help.”

“I know, Cole. It’s going to be okay.” She whispered to him, low enough that only he could hear him. He looked like he wanted to reply, but Ghilani put a finger softly on his lips and continued softly, “I know. Please just trust me, I will explain later.”

He met her eyes and nodded, looking even more confused as he read her mind. Ghilani however had no time for comforting now, and turned back towards Cullen. She could tell that the Commander was about to protest, but she cut him off. She refused to let them waste precious seconds, not this time.

“Cullen! There are too many of them, right?” she barely gave him time to react before she continued, “then we need to control the battle. The trebuchets, are they ready?”

That seemed to snap him back. He looked at her with an expression she could not quite place before he turned back to the soldiers.

“She’s right! Man the trebuchets! Hit them with everything you’ve got.”

“Good.” Ghilani nodded, “send everyone who can fight out to defend them, get everyone else to the chantry.” She turned around as Varric and the others ran up beside her.

“Come on, boys. Let’s do this!” she grinned at them and readied her staff before she ran out the gates towards the closest trebuchets.

She could hear the templars closing in on them as they reached it. It didn’t take long for her to realise that there were a lot more of them this time. Whenever she struck a templar down, three others seemed to appear around her. She and Dorian stood back to back flinging fireballs, Varric firing flaming bolts from the top of a crate behind them, as The Iron Bull carved his way through the enemy forces. Slowly they managed to repell the attack, but at least four of the soldiers working the trebuchets had fallen by the time they succeeded. Ghilani got down on her knees for a moment, panting as she tried to regain herself. _Why were there so many more of them?_ This wasn’t how it had been the last time, and this was only the beginning. It would get no easier from here. Biting down on her lip she quickly got back on her feet and led her team towards the other trebuchets. It wasn’t firing.

Even though she knew what was coming, the sound of the dragon swooping down towards them made her blood turn to ice. She could hear the others behind her reacting the same way, the agents who had been loading the siege weapon was practically panicking. _Crap_. She should have warned them as well! Still, she trusted her team. With a meaningful look at her friends she ordered the retreat. If they just got back inside the gates, she could do the rest with her own crew. No raw, frightened recruits needed. No more dead soldiers.

This time there were no villagers they needed to save by the time they made it back inside the gates. It seemed her warning had been heeded, that people were already evacuated. She nodded solemnly to herself as they ran with Cullen and the other soldiers that had waited for them to come back. Cassandra pulled her aside as soon as they entered the chantry.

“Thank you for this.” She said simply. Ghilani smiled slightly.

“I promise, I’ll explain more when all this is over.”

Without waiting for any response, she walked over to where Cullen stood towering over Cole.

“What is this, how did you know where we were?” his voice was filled with anger.

“Cullen, there’s no time for interrogations now.” She turned towards Cole and gave him a friendly smile, “thank you for coming to warn us, Cole.”

Cullen looked like he wanted to object, but then turned towards Ghilani instead.

“Herald, that dragon stole back any time you might have earned us.” He shook his head with a resigned look on his face. “There are no tactics to make this survivable, the only thing that..” Ghilani held up a hand to stop him.

“Actually there is.” She motioned for him to follow, and strode towards where Ser Roderick stood by the wall.

“Roderick, you know the way out of here.” He was about to shake his head, before Ghilani continued. “Remember the summer pilgrimage.”

A light seemed to go up for him, as he gasped.

“Of course!”

“Cullen!” she kept going, determined to see this through as best she could. “Get everyone to follow him. Signal me when you’re above the treeline. I'll turn the remaining trebuchets to the mountains above the village. As soon as you're out, I'll use it to bury Haven.”

“What?” Cullen shook his head, nervously scowling. “But what about you?”

She stared at her boots.

“I’m the one he wants.” She looked at Varric. “I need you guys with me, help me defend the trebuchet while we aim it. Then you _leave_. I’ll distract him for as long as I can, before I cause one last avalanche. It’s the only way. _Cullen_ , start evacuating now. And hurry, I can only keep him occupied for so long…”

She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath before she turned around and walked to the doors. She was just about to go outside when she felt a hand grab hers. Turning around in surprise, she found Solas, standing only inches away from her. His face filled with some emotion she couldn’t quite place.

“Ghilani,” he whispered, low enough that only she could hear him. “Make sure you survive this.”

“I…” she stared back at him. “Of course. I’ll do my best.” Their eyes met as he nodded and squeezed her hand tightly, before she had to turn away towards the three companions that would go with her.

“Okay, boys.” She had to force herself to focus back on the task, blocking out Solas’s voice from her thoughts. “It’s time to get loud. We need him to _hear_ us.”

She grinned as The Iron Bull’s reaction filled the chantry.

 

The village was already swarming with red templars by the time they made it back outside, and it took them a lot longer than she remembered to get to the last trebuchet. _Good,_ she though as she struck down another templar archer while hurrying past the forge, _more time for the others to get out._ They just barely made it to the siege weapon before they were attacked again. She kept her focus, casting spell after spell, while keeping a careful eye out for the behemoth she knew would be there soon. Dorian had taken up defense in front of the turning wheel on the trebuchet, and as often as she could she stepped behind him to slowly turn it towards the mountain. So far everything happened like it had done before, except for the increased number of templars. Even so, the sight of the behemoth as it came crashing towards them made the fireball she tried to cast falter. She could hear the others react the same way, before they all threw themself back into the fight.

It was a close one. She had already started doubting that any of them would make it out of there alive when the monster finally went down. She only paused for a moment to catch her breath before turning to the trebutchet again. Just as she finished, she heard the familiar sound of wings. Keeping one hand on the wheel to keep herself from falling apart, she turned to the others.

“Leave. Now.” She could see how they hesitated, that none of them had any plans to leave her behind. “Please, go!”

“Yeah, not gonna happen, boss.” The Iron Bull grumbled.

“You have to! It’s me he wants, not you.”

“There’s no point in arguing, my dear.” Dorian took a step towards her.

“Please! You have to trust me! I know what I’m doing!” Frustrated, she shook her head and locked eyes with Varric. “Trust me. This is the way it happens, how it’s supposed to happen. Go.”

None of them moved.

“ _NOW_!” she yelled, as the shadow of the dragon passed over them. Finally Varric started pulling at the others with a resigned frown, as she turned her attention at the beast coming towards her. The shockwave as the dragon landed knocked her off her feet. She glanced over to where the others had been. _Gone._ Good. She stumbled back to her feet, and nervously turned her back on the dragon, focusing instead on the creature coming towards her from the other side. Corypheus. She waited patiently for him to reach her, knowing that the longer she kept him here the better it was for the others. She had done this before, she reminded herself, trying to get her racing heart to slow down. She could do it again. She squeezed her marked hand into a fist, remembering how Solas had held it. _He cared_. That knowledge gave her the strength she needed to look up at Corypheus as he finally reached her. She sneered at him towering above her, readying herself for the angry words that would come. But they didn’t. Instead he looked down on her and laughed coldly.

“Welcome back, _Inquisitor_.” Ghilani froze as the realization hit her like an arrow to the heart. _He knew!_ She coughed, trying to regain what little composure she had left. This was why there were so many more of them this time. He knew they would be prepared. She should have known. Who else could have done all this?

“So this is your doing, then. Sending me back to the beginning.” She did her best to sound confident, despite the panic building up inside her. He laughed again, the sound of it sending shivers down her spine.

“How?” she struggled to keep her voice from cracking.

“One of my agents were inside your keep. Placed there by your own actions, no less.” The answer made Ghilani frown, but she put it aside for later.

“But… why? What could you possibly gain from this?”

“Ah, it was meant as a simple precaution.To be used in the unlikely event that I should fail.” He glared down at her. “I assure you, _Pretender_ , that will not happen again.” 

“Fair enough. But why did you come here tonight, then? When you already knew that the anchor was permanent.” Ghilani glared back, reminding herself that she still needed to keep him distracted.

“Ah, other than taking the chance to strike at your pitiful Inquisition?” he sneered. “I came to see _you_ , Inquisitor. To tell you that you are not the only one who will be preparing for the fight. To assure you that this will not be another chance for victory, not for you. This is _my_ time. You will _fail_ , elf, and they will all die around you. My victory is inevitable.”

Ghilani mustered what little strenght she had left as she finally saw the fiery signal flash from further up the mountain, glaring up at him and snorted,

“I wouldn’t be so sure, Corypheus. I’ve killed you once, and I’ll gladly do it again.” Without waiting for him to respond she kicked the trigger on the trebuchet as hard as she could, turning it into action. She did not pause to see whether or not it hit where it should, but ran as she did the last time towards the entrance to the tunnel she now knew was there. Even as the fall knocked the breath out of her, and surely broke several of her ribs, she smiled as she heard the avalanche crashing down on haven, and the massive wings passing far above her.

_I’m alive._


	6. Journey to Skyhold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is the second part of the chapter, as promised.

The relief did not last long. Minutes passed before she even managed to get back on her feet, her feet shaking underneath her. With no immediate danger, she let herself take a little time to breathe, to try to slow down her racing heart. _I’m alive_.

They had done good. The signal from Cullen meant that the others had gotten away in time. No matter how tired she was now, knowing that she had done her job well made her feel better. As soon as she started walking, however, it was apparent that her injuries were far worse than she had thought. Her whole body ached. For a moment she allowed herself to stop, leaning against the wall to keep from falling as she assessed the damage. Several of her ribs where obviously broken, making it hard to breathe properly. Her ankle felt weird, she had probably twisted it at some point. There were several cuts down one of her arms, some of them looked deep, and a lot of bruising on the other arm. And her left shoulder was clearly dislocated. Not to mention the fact that her whole body shook after the exertion of the last few hours. She shrugged, wincing as the movement sent a shooting pain through her chest. It would have to wait. There was no way she would be able to heal any of it now. She was too tired to cast even minor spells, let alone something like that. The healers could take care of it when she reached the others. _If_ she reached the others. _Fenedhis!_   Biting down on her lower lip she started stumbling deeper into the tunnel. It was slow going. Her ankle made it hard to walk properly, and the mine was so dark that she kept tripping over rocks and pieces of wood and old equipment that had somehow been left behind here, scratching up her knees and hands whenever she fell down.

Last time she had felt relieved as she finally made it out of the tunnel, seeing the light of the moon again after stumbling through the dark cave. This time it made her want to cry. The last time she did this, the weather was clearer, she could at least see the trees, and the outline of the mountains in front of her. This time the wind was howling, whirling the snow around her and making it almost impossible to see anything at all. Ghilani had to blink away the tears that formed in the corners of her eyes. As if she wasn’t exhausted enough already. How was she supposed to make it though all this with all of her injuries? _I need to keep moving_ , she reminded herself. _Just keep going up the hill, always head up. One step in front of the other. Don’t think, just move. Remember to breathe._ With a short gasp of pain she stepped away from the entrance to the mine, and took the first shaking steps into the snow. It was as she feared, the moment she left the path her feet sank down into the wet white fluff. It wasn’t too deep for her to move through, but it would definitely make her climb harder. _Keep moving, Ghilani. Remember to breathe._

She had never felt so cold in her life. Though she had lived almost her entire life outside, her clan had always travelled more temperate areas. She wasn’t made for these mountains. Shivering, she crossed her arms across her chest, hugging herself for warmth. It didn’t help much. The armor Harritt had made for her was lined with fox fur, but it wasn’t nearly warm enough for this journey. At this point she had already lost sensation in both feet. What little remained of her gloves had protected her fingers for a while, but after her having fallen down in the snow so many times they were now too cold and wet to be of any help. Still, she kept them on. Surely they were better than nothing. The important thing was to keep moving. She had been through too much to give up now.

 

It felt like forever, and it didn’t even look like she had moved at all. Sometimes, when the wind calmed down for a moment, she could see the silhuette of the mountain pass ahead of her, letting her adjust her course to make sure she was moving in the right direction. But these glimpses also told her that the pass was still terribly far away. It must have been hours since the avalance. Her whole body was aching, partly from the fighting and partly from the fall she had taken. And it was so damn cold. She couldn’t stop shaking. Each step she took made her swollen leg hurt a little bit more. She tried as best as she could to keep her mind off the pain, but it got harder every minute.

She came across what looked like the remains of a camp, and let herself sink down in the snow to examine it. There was traces of a fireplace, and what looked like remnants of a meal. She couldn’t even recall when she last ate something. She started digging through the snow frantically, hoping that something could have been left behind. All she found were bones and ash. She didn’t even bother blinking away the tears this time, as she slowly got back up on her shaky feet. There was nothing for her here, the fire was long gone. Whatever else remained in the camp held no interest for her. Biting her teeth together she started moving again. _Just keep moving._ The others will have food. And fire.

 

As she made her way infuriatingly slow up the mountain side she could feel the last of her strength beginning to drain away. _Must keep moving, you can’t give up now. Still so much more to do_. She mustered all the strength she could find, and tried to think of nothing but putting one foot in front of the other, but the snow was so deep. Every step she took was a fight. Every time her foot sunk down in the deep snow it took her a little bit longer to drag it back up. The cold and the wind made it hard to breathe, the exhaustion slowly making her dizzy. Her body felt heavy, as if some force was pulling her back down. She started feeling feverish. The sound of his voice and the feeling as he grabbed her hand was the one thing that kept her moving. _Make sure you survive this._ Biting her teeth together she focused on dragging her body forward. _He cared_. Solas cared about her. Maybe not in the way she wanted, but at least he cared enough for him to tell her to stay alive. For now maybe that could be enough. She just wished that she could talk to him about it. About… everything. She wished she could talk to the man she had known, the one who loved her back. The one who wouldn’t hesitate to share her burdens. The one who made her stronger. She desperately needed his strenght now. She had been walking for so long… and the pain was almost overwhelming. How much longer could she survive like this? What if she died before she could tell him the truth? How many years had he been alone? The thought of her dying up here, with him not even knowing how she loved him… it was too much. He had left her, but Ghilani would never leave him. She had to keep walking.

She could feel her mind slipping as she awkwardly made her way forward. Memories flooded her mind, mixed with the voices from the Well. She was far from strong enough to subdue them now.

“Such a great servant huh, Mythal?” she giggled into her glove, delirious with the fever that had started raging in her body. “Aren’t you glad I was the one to drink your Well up? I’ll sure make good use of your knowledge up here.”. Ghilani tripped over a bump in the snow, falling flat on her face, making her giggle again. She didn’t even feel the cold anymore. Still, she kept going up, fueled by something singular and radiant inside her. She had almost forgotten why, but she needed to reach the top of the hill somehow. 

The sight as the wind cleared for a moment made her heart sink. The pass was still so impossibly far away. She had veered too far left, hardly making any progress at all since the last time it cleared. Despair hit her like a rock, and she fell down. It was too far. The hill too steep. The realization blew the feverish delusions away. She wouldn’t make it. The cold made the tears freeze as they ran down her cheeks, her sobs causing her chest to scream out in protest. It’s too far. I’m dying. She was so exhausted that she hardly cared anymore. Oblivion would be a relief at this point. Still, she kept moving as best she could, too stubborn to give up yet. “Solas…” she whispered into the dark night. “I miss you so much. _I’m sorry_.”

 

She had almost passed out, now moving more in a weak crawl than actually walking, when she felt a presence near her. Panic rose up in her throat, and she forced herself to crawl faster. She would have steadied herself if she could, prepared for whatever it was that came towards her, but she had no more strength to give. In any other situation like this she would have reached for her staff, but she seemed to have lost it. She couldn’t even recall when or where that happened, she hadn’t even noticed… it was just gone. Maybe she had left it by the abandoned camp she had stumbled over. At any rate, she probably wouldn’t have had the strenght to use it anyway. She was defenseless. All she could do was wait until whatever was out there found her. With a soft groan she started crawling again, dragging herself forward inch by inch.

She stopped moving as the wolf stepped into her view. It was a large animal that stalked towards her. It’s fur was long and black, and it’s eyes were so dark that she couldn’t even make out any color in them. Ghilani smiled weakly, too far gone to care whether it was going to kill her or not. This was it then. She would die here. Maybe she was already dead. It made sense. Her being so wounded, and the mountain being so steep. Of course she was dead. Probably frozen to death. And here _he_ was, the wolf. Her childhood prayers had been heard.

“My old friend.” She murmured before she sank down into the snow. She barely felt it as the wolf pushed into her, barely noticing that it was trying to get her up. Instead she reached over and put her arms around it, no longer thinking clearly, taking comfort in the warm body against her. “Fen’Harel… _ma vhenan_. Have you come for me at last?”  
The wolf made a soft whimper as it pushed against her again.  
“Don’t be sad, _ma fen_.” She smiled up at the animal. “I’m not sad. At least this way I can be with you forever.”  
The wolf whined loudly into her ear as it tried to dig its head underneath her, seamingly struggling to lift her up.  
“I can stay with you, right _vhenan_?” Ghilani choked as her eyes slowly closed themselves. “You won’t leave me this time?”  
The wolf stopped pushing her, and kneeled down beside her instead, pressing its nose against her face until she opened her eyes again. She was stunned by how sad the wolf looked. Could wolves cry? Was it even possible? Though, if this really was the Dread Wolf, he was no ordinary wolf. So perhaps he could.  
“It’s okay, _ma’arlath_. I am ready.” She reached up to stroke the wolf’s ears. “ _Ma ghilana mir din'an_.”  
The wolf got back up on its feet again, and pushed against her even harder than before. The sounds of his whining filled her ears as she slipped away.  
The last thing she felt before she passed out was the wolf biting into the shoulder of her leather armor, dragging her along with it.

 

Angry voices woke her up. Confused, she looked around. She remembered this, their camp in the mountains, before they found Skyhold. But how did she get here? Last she remembered she was still lost in the snow, delusional, dying. She tried to sit up, but was quickly stopped by an intense pain in her side. Broken ribs, she remembered, right.  
“Shhh, don’t get up. You need to rest.” The soft voice of Mother Giselle came from somewhere beside her. Biting her teeth together to stop herself from moaning, she slowly moved to sit up again anyway. With a small sigh of disapproval Mother Giselle leaned in and helped her up.  
“How did I get here?” her voice was barely more than a whisper.  
“Scouts were sent out to look for you as soon as we settled here. They found you only minutes away, passed out in the snow.” Mother Giselle looked away, “If they had not found you when they did, I fear you would have been lost.”  
_It was a dream then. It wasn’t real._

The angry voices came from her advisors, arguing about what to do next. Ghilani shook her head with a frown, apparently Cassandra had ignored that part of her advice. Instead she looked around the camp, searching for the one person she knew could help. She smiled weakly as he came towards her.  
“A word?” he asked, reaching out a hand to help her up. Mother Giselle started protesting, that the Herald should not move yet, but Ghilani just shook her head.  
“I’m fine.” Though, walking out of the camp she didn’t feel fine at all. It felt like the dragon had stepped on her entire body. But still she followed him, remembering this conversation almost by heart. Knowing it was important. And it was him. She would follow him anywhere.

This time she had to lean on her borrowed staff most of the way, but she did manage to lead the way by Solas’ side. Part of it was pure stubborness, after Cassandra had suggested that she be carried the rest of the way. She could feel the worried look Solas gave her whenever she stumbled, thankful that he slowed his pace to help her keep up, letting her lean on him whenever the path got too steep. But she refused to give in to her growing exhaustion. She had made it this far, she could hold on a little longer. Thus, the relief she felt as she finally gazed upon Skyhold was no less than the first time.

“Skyhold…” she whispered. “ _Tarasyl'an Te'las_ ”  
“How did you know that name?” Solas frowned, and she suddenly remembered that she wasn’t supposed to know that yet. She shrugged, too tired to care.  
“It’s a long story…” careful not to make eyecontact with him she started walking again. They were home now.

She barely paid attention to anything around her as she finally collapsed on a bedroll in the courtyard, letting a healer look over her injuries. _I’m alive_. At last she fell into a blissfull oblivion.

It wasn’t until the next day she noticed the faint outline of bitemarks on her shoulder.


	7. Inquisitor Lavellan

Not much happened, as she was still too injured to leave the keep, but the first weeks at Skyhold flew by as she settled into her new role as Inquisitor. There were so much planning and rebuilding to do that it hardly mattered that she couldn’t go anywhere. Ghilani settled into the gorgeous room in the tower for the second time in her life, and snickered a bit as she wondered what the rest of her clan would think about her now. Their crazy loner, hailed as a prophet and leading a massive force. It was strange how completely a life could turn around just like that. Five years ago she had never even been inside a real building. Now she had a fortress, with an entire tower to herself.

She let her mind wander as she restlessly roamed Skyhold at night, through the halls that had been her home for so long. It felt good being back here, more real, although she missed the forest outside Haven. There were less places to sneak away here. She missed _trees_. She missed being able to breathe properly. She missed the smell of grass and moss. And more than any of that she missed her old statue. She wished she could go back there, to talk to him like she had done before. Ironically enough, considering what, or _who_ , she needed most to talk about. Maybe she should ask Josephine to send for a Fen’Harel statue for her room. Seeing Solas’ reaction to that would be priceless.  
She could stay in her quarters, but she never knew when Josephine or someone else might call upon here there, needing her for some business or other. Instead she found herself returning night after night to the dusty old library down in the basement, slowly looking through the ancient books for something to pass her time with. She hadn’t been able to sleep much since they came to Skyhold, there were just too many memories. Being back here made it harder for her to keep the memories from the two different timelines apart. There were too many of them. Too many questions that were still unanswered. Something Corypheus had said still haunted her. About the agent of his that was responsible for sending her back in time, that _she_ was the one who placed him at Skyhold. Was it all her fault?

“Cold, wet snow. The soft aching of teeth in my shoulder as he drags me along. It was him, it was him!”

“COLE!” Ghilani almost fell out of the chair as the boy appeared next to her. “You scared me!”

“I didn’t mean to. Your hurt sang to me.”

“I know…” she answered softly. “I shouldn’t yell at you, I’m sorry. You’re just trying to help.”

“Yes.” He whispered. “He misses you too.”

That made her look up. “What? He doesn’t even know about us…”

“Not this one. The other him.”

She had no response, just stared at her hands. It didn’t matter if he missed her. He left. And now she was gone as well.

“I’m sorry.” Cole muttered finally. “This one needs you too. He wants you to know.”

“What?”

“She wasn’t afraid. Why wasn’t she afraid? And she said that. She shouldn’t…” Cole trailed off, sounding confused “It’s gone.”

“He shut you out.” Ghilani frowned, unable to keep the bitterness from her voice, “He tends to do that.”

“He doesn’t want to do it anymore. He wants to stop, but he doesn’t know how. It’s been so long, he forgot how to open the doors.”

 

……………

  

They travelled to the Emerald Graves as soon as Ghilani had healed. Cullen had heard rumors that red lyrium had been smuggled through the forests, and had hoped that by interrupting their operation they might gain some information about what the Red Templars were up to. They had been here for five days now, and so far they had found nothing. Hopefully they would be luckier the next day. A message from scout Harding had informed them of a group of Orlesian refugees in the area, whose leader had been requesting a meeting with the famed Inquisitor. They were hoping he might have some information for them.  
She had never been to these forests before joining the Inquisition, her clan had mostly roamed the Free Marches, but it still felt like home to her. It was good, being surrounded by trees again, the sound of birds and animals all around them. The sound of howling wolves, and the statues that were scattered all over the area. These stone wolves were much larger than the one she had known as a child. _I am too._ _Perhaps we both grew up._ She smiled sadly to herself as they set up camp around one of them. As the others busied themself with setting up the tents she snuck over to it, stroking her hand along its neck as she had always done. This was home, sort of, but it was also a constant reminder of all that she had lost. After gancing at the others to make sure they weren’t watching, she leaned in to whisper in the wolf’s ear.

“It’s been too long, my friend.” She sighed, remembering a time when things were so much simpler. “ _ma halani, ma fen_ ”.

 

“Hey boss,” Iron Bull suddenly asked, as he opened another bottle of wine. “What’s the deal with you and wolves?”

“What?” Ghilani frowned.

“Yeah, you don’t seem to like fighting them, and I’m pretty sure I saw you talking to that statue over there earlier.” He pointed to the giant wolf.

Crap. From the corner of her eye she could see Solas casting her a curious glance, and suddenly an idea popped up in her mind. She smiled to herself, trying to keep her face neutral. This could be fun.

“Ah, that.” She took a sip of her wine, shrugging.

“I though wolves were a negative thing among the Dalish.” Varric remarked. “Don’t they symbolize one of their evil gods?”

“I wouldn’t say evil, exactly, but yes.” Ghilani nodded. “The Dread Wolf. They say he tricked the other gods, and locked them all away from us. We are taught to fear him.”

“Yet you clearly don’t.” Iron Bull looked confused. “You looking to ally with the evil gods now?”

“He’s always been my ally.”

“The Dread Wolf?” Varric’s eyes lit up at the ominous name. “Have to use _that_ in my new book!”

“I’m a rebel.” Ghilani grinned. “I always had a thing for the guy.” She stopped to casually drink more of the wine, carefully keeping an eye on Solas to watch his reaction. She thought she caught a slight quiver at his lips, but otherwise he seemed completely unfazed. He was too good at this.

“You have a thing for a scary god?” Iron Bull shook his head, looking at her like she had gone mad. “You’re even weirder than I thought, boss.”

“The others in my clan thought so too. I had to listen to quite a few lectures from the Keeper.”

“But she still chose you as her apprentice?” Solas stared at her in disbelief.

“She didn’t have much of a choice. Besides, I think she thought that if she only taught me enough of our history, that might cure me of my ‘unhealthy infatuation with the traitor of our people’. She was an optimist, I’ll give her that much. ” Ghilani laughed, locking eyes with him. “It didn’t work though.”

 

“Ghilani.” Solas’s whispering voice woke her up, his hand reaching to pull her hair away from her face. She froze as she realized that she had snuggled up to him in her sleep, leaning her face close to his chest.

“ _Fenedhis_.” she quickly pulled herself away from him, silently cursing to herself. “I’m so sorry!” She had been dreaming about him again, about the nights they had spent together in the tents, or under the open sky, in that other life. It had always felt so safe, like she had come home at last. Apparently the dream had been a little too realistic.  
Varric had left to sleep only a half hour earlier than her, grinning at her as he crawled into the tent where Bull was already snoring, leaving Ghilani to share the other tent with Solas.

“You do not need to apologize, lethallan.” He smiled gently at her. “May I ask what you were dreaming about?”

“I… don’t remember.” She lied, her face turning red.

“You kept whispering ‘I miss you’.” His voice was soft, his eyes kind. She wanted so badly to confide in him, but it was too soon, she couldn’t, she wasn’t ready yet.

“I left many people behind when I was sent away.” She finally said. His hand stroked her blushing cheeks softly. It took all the willpower she had to stop herself from leaning in for a kiss. It had been so long… and his lips where right there in front of her. Even after pulling away she could still feel his breath against her face.

“There is no reason to be embarassed, my friend. It is only natural that you would seek out comfort. And I do not mind it, if that is what you need to get some sleep.”

Ghilani closed her eyes tightly. She should resist the temptation, but she was so very tired. His arms had always managed to calm her down, and it had been so very long… With a resigned sigh she crawled back to him, and settled down with her back against his chest. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes as his arms embraced her.

“Sleep well, lethallan.”

 

……………

 

The dynamics of the Inquisition changed dramatically from the one she had known before. Cassandra and Leliana had long since decided to believe Ghilani’s story, and together they managed to convince Cullen and Josephine as well. With full trust in the Inquisitor’s memories, while still wary of the possible changes, they made their moves with confidence. Any matter regarding Corypheus was obviously treated differently. She kept expecting things to change, to see some kind of proof that Corypheus changed his plan, but so far everything happened as before. That scared her more than anything. She suspected that he was trying to trick them into relaxing, to let their guard down. That any day now, he would launch some sort of great attack.  
It still came as a shock when he did.

Ghilani had just returned from the long ride back from the Western Approach when Leliana met her in the great hall, asking her to come to the war room.  
Nobody met her eyes as Ghilani entered the room with the spymaster.

“So…” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest. She had a bad feeling about this. “What’s going on.”

Her advisors just stared at each other, clearly none of them wanted to be the one to tell her.

“Leliana.” She demanded. “What happened?”

“A message arrived while you were gone, Inquisitor. From the Free Marches.” Leliana took a deep breath. “It had news regarding your clan.”

Ghilani closed her eyes, leaning forward with her hands on the table for support. This was bad, she knew it.

“What… happened.” She asked again. Josephine was the one who answered, after a long and heavy pause.

“Red Templars stormed their camp ten nights ago.”

“What… how many were…?” Ghilani choked, taking a step away from the others.

“I am sorry, Inquisitor. There were no survivors.” Cullen shook his head, with a disgusted grimace, “they slaughtered everyone. Even the animals.”

“How…” Ghilani frowned, trying to keep her head from spinning. “Who sent the message, if there were no survivors?”

Her three advisors just stood there casting nervous looks at each other. Ghilani was too scared to ask again, knowing that she probably wouldn’t like the answer. Her head was flooded with images of her old family. Visions of a dead clan mixed with her very real memories of the deaths of her family members. Visions of her tiny brother in her arms. There was a lot of red in that memory. Finally Ghilani looked back at them, desperate to get the memories out of her head.

“There’s something you’re not telling me.”

“The news…” Leliana swallowed, clearly not wanting to go on, “came with a package. Delivered by a terrified messenger.”

Ghilani stared at the box on the war table. She hadn’t noticed it when she came in, but now it filled her with dread.

“You…” Cullen said, taking a step towards her, “you might not want to see this. You don’t have to.”

She just shook her head and moved back towards the table. Whatever this was… even as much as she dreaded it, she needed to know. She took another step, and opened the box slowly.  
The sight made her legs crumble under her. All the color in her face drained as she backed towards the wall. This couldn’t be happening. It had to be a nightmare.

Corypheus had sent her Keeper Istimaethoriel’s head.

She didn’t hear a word the others said as they put the lid back on the box. They let her sit there in peace while they pretended to tend to other tasks at the table, thankfully understanding her need for silence. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Her clan wasn’t supposed to die. She had lost so much already, why did she have to lose them too?

 

“Leliana,” Ghilani had followed the spymaster when she left the war room for the rookery. “I need your help with something.”

“Of course.” Leliana put down the letters she had been carrying. “What can I do for you?”

“Do we have any agents in the area where my clan… used to be?” she had to force herself to complete the sentence.

“I…” Leliana hesitated, “I believe there is one not far from there, yes.”

“Can you send them to the camp?” Ghilani took a deep breath. “I know the messenger said there were no survivors… but I need to know for sure. And if nothing else, I want to know if any of our equipment or any of the artifacts or books might be salvageable. Anything, really. Of all the lore we had collected… if any of it could be saved, it would mean a lot to me.”

“Of course.” Leliana flashed her a sad smile. “I’ll send the order at once.”

“Thank you.” Ghilani didn’t wait for any response, but walked quickly back down the stairs, longing for the solitude of her own tower. It had been a long day, even before all this happened. It was dinner time, but the thought of food just made her feel sick. What she needed was silence.

So _this_ was Corypheus’ plan then. Destroying the Inquisition by weakening their leader. Classic warfare, but she would not let him have that pleasure. She was just as strong as he was, that much had already been proven. And even though he had as much power as she did to change the war, there were lots of things he had no power over. She knew where to find new agents, where to gain allies. These where things Corypheus had no power over, and thus they remained the same. Her knowledge would help them build a much stronger Inquisition than they had the last time. She would help make them _all_ stronger. And he had just made this so much more personal. If it was the last thing she ever did, she would _destroy_ him.

She sat down on the far side of the bed as she entered her room. Part of her wanted to sleep, but there was no way she would be able to keep the nightmares away now. There was so much death in her life. One thing was the war, but that part was more understandable. People die in wars. It sucks, and it hurts, but you are prepared for it. Everyone knows the risks. And you have a cause that you are fighting for. If people die, they are dying _for_ something. Her past was a whole different matter. The clan had no part in the war. There was no reason for them to die, other than a mad man’s cruelty. She leaned forward with a sigh, covering her head with her arms. Did she really have to lose everyone she loved? Was there no end to it?

She heard Dorian’s footsteps coming up the stairs even before he spoke. She turned around to face him, lazily wiping away a few of the tears. She didn’t feel the need to hide it from him, he would know she had been crying anyway.

“Do you want some company?” his voice was soft, and the look on his face told her that he already knew. “Varric and I were going to the tavern, but we ran into Cullen on the way. He told us…” his voice trailed away.

“Yeah.” Ghilani whispered. “Company would be nice.”

“Good.” Dorian smiled and sat down on the bed next to her. “Varric went to the kitchen to get some more wine. I’m guessing you don’t have enough up here for an occasion such as this.”

“I have some.” She gestured to the bottle and the glasses on her desk, “but no. Definitely not enough.”

 

By the time the sun had set completely they were all pretty drunk. Varric was lying on his back on the bed shaking with laughter as Dorian paraded around the floor shirtless, waving his hands dramatically in the air as he shared a story of one of his first romantic conquests. Ghilani had slid down to sit on the floor, leaning her back against the bed. Smiling to herself she observed her two best friends, how hard they tried to distract her from her misery. It worked, sort of. Distraction was probably exactly what she needed. And none were better at that than these two fools.  
Carefully balancing one half empty glass in her hand she got up off the floor to pour more wine for the others. It was the least she could do, after all they had done… or would do, for her. This time travel thing was confusing her more and more these days. It was so hard, especially when talking to her friends, to separate what had happened this time from the old memories she had. Which stories had she already told? What information had she shared, and with whom? And when? And how was she supposed to refer to that other time? The past, or the future? Or both? It was too much. _Especially_ with all this wine involved. Shaking her head, she picked up the bottle. She could worry later.

They were halfway through yet another bottle when another guest made it to the top of her stairs. Solas stood there frozen for a moment, staring at the three of them with a confused smile. He had a bottle as well.

“Would you look at that, it’s already dark.” Dorian pointed out the window, staggering as he got to his feet. “Didn’t we have an appointment to meet… uhm.”

“Sera! And yes, we did.” Varric completed his sentence. “My, my, how the time flies when you’re having fun. We need to go.”

Ghilani just shook her head at the two of them as they giggled their way out, leaving her alone with Solas.

“So…” she said, carefully trying to hide how drunk she was. “Are you here to get me drunk as well?”

“No.” He laughed. “Just as well, as it seems those two have already taken care of that.”

“Ah.” She nodded, smiling. “What’s that then?”

“It is wine, but I had no intention of getting you drunk. I simply thought it might help you relax.”

“I am perfectly relaxed, actually.” She responded, as she turned back to the desk to pick up her glass again. “But I suppose more wine wouldn’t hurt.”

“You might regret saying that tomorrow.” Solas shook his head, frowning at her.

“Maybe. But…” Ghilani bit down on her lip again, and frowned as she tried to find the right words, “But Solas, _honestly_? I doubt tomorrow would be a very nice day no matter what I do. I am drunk. Yes. And I intend to get even more… drunker. Because you know what? I don’t… _want_ to be practical or wise right now. And if I do get sick tomorrow, then that is actually _great._ Because I would rather be sick from wine than from having to think about the _Keeper’s rotting head!_ ” That last part got out a lot louder than she had planned.

“I understand. I do. Drink if that is what you need.” Solas walked over to her and grabbed a clean glass from the table “I will keep you company while you do it. It would hardly be responsible of me to leave you alone in such a state.”

“You’re going to stay…?” Ghilani stuttered, “Drinking? With me? All night?”

“If that is what it takes, then yes.” Solas looked at her with an amused smile as he poured himself some wine, “Though I hardly think you will last for more than another glass or two.”

“But you would stay… in here?”

“Would that make you uncomfortable? We’ve shared tents on more than one occation.” Solas looked confused.

“No, no. Not uncomfort…able. Just…” Ghilani frowned, looking into her glass. “Nevermind.”

“Good.” He smiled, settling down on her couch.

 

She realised quickly that he was right. With so much wine on an empty stomach, she didn’t last long. She had barely started on the next glass when she felt her brain starting to shut itself off. But she didn’t want it to… she wanted to stay up with him longer, to talk with him. She wanted to tell him everything, right now.

“Solas.” She whispered, slowly getting up from the side of her bed. “I need to… tell you something.”

“Ghilani?” he stood up to catch her as she almost fell. “I think you should stay seated for now.”

He led her back to the bed and helped her sit down, before kneeling down on the floor in front of her.

“You wanted to tell me something?”

“Yeah.” Ghilani yawned, and leaned forward to lean her head against his, taking a deep breath to steady her mind. “I… you…”

“Come, _lethallan_ , I think you should lie down.”

He placed his hands on her shivering shoulders and pushed her back towards her pillows. For a brief moment his face was right in front of hers, his lips just an inch or two aways from hers. She wanted so badly to kiss him again… but before she even sorted her thoughts out the moment had passed. Still… he stayed. She could see him making himself comfortable on her couch as she finally passed out.

Tomorrow. She would talk to him tomorrow.


	8. The Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one goes out to a certain someone who called me a tease. Happy now? :P

“Are you sure about this, Inquisitor?” Josephine looked sceptical. “We could delay the trip until you are feeling better.”

“I don’t think I’ll be feeling better anytime soon, Josie.” Ghilani sighed. “It’s not like they’re coming back to life.”

“You know that’s not what she meant.” Cullen cut in. “You’re sick. You shouldn’t be going anywhere like that.”

“I’m not sick, Cullen, I’m hung over. There’s a difference.”

“But are you sure you feel up to it?” Leliana frowned. “It’s a long way to Crestwood, and the roads aren’t safe these days. We can’t let you take any more risks than you already do.”

“Yes. I’m sure. I feel much better already, I promise. The fresh air will do the rest.” Ghilani shrugged, “and honestly, I need something to keep my mind off everything that happened. Being here just gives me too much time to think about them. I need to do something productive.”

It took her the better part of an hour to finally win the argument, but by noon they were ready to head out. Hawke had informed them that a warden friend of hers was hiding out near Crestwood, and that he might have information that could help them.

 

They set up camp right outside the village. It was supposed to be a simple mission; go there, meet Stroud, leave… but of course things had gone wrong this time as well. Things always seemed to do that around her. Maybe it had been better for everyone else if she had stayed with her clan. They could have had another Inquisitor who wasn’t constantly followed by bad luck. And her clan could have stayed alive. Like they would have, if it weren’t for her. Everything she touched fell apart, somehow. And there was nothing she could do about it. _Fenedhis_ , why did everything always have to be so complicated? Harding’s reports said that there were undead surrounding the village, probably caused by that large green light coming out of the lake. The rift in the flooded caves. They had all agreed to stay at the camp here after they arrived earlier that evening, deciding to wait until daylight before going any further. It was probably a good idea anyway, fighting undead in the darkness was never a pleasant task.

The others had fallen asleep hours ago, tired from the long ride here. Ghilani had tried too, but gave up quickly. Her hangover had passed hours after they left Skyhold, leaving her mind free to enjoy the other pain instead. It had been three long days coming here. Riding on her trusty hart didn’t provide nearly enough distraction from her dark thoughts. Should have brought Sera along. She was always good for keeping them occupied. But Varric had been the logical choice for a rogue, seeing as they were meeting Hawke. She knew that he missed his best friend more than he pretended to, and wouldn't dream of meeting her without bringing him along.

It was late, and she really should get some rest. It was a long day they had ahead of them, fighting both undead and bandits. But instead she quietly left the camp, walking down to the water to watch the light in the middle of it. She had seen so many rifts, but this one was the only one under water. It was sort of pretty, the way the water reflected the green beams. And it was so quiet. She remembered the last time they found it. Blackwall had made some comment about water pouring into the fade. The memory made her smile, despite the tears that had already welled up in her eyes. She missed her friends, the other ones. The versions of them that had known her for years. She missed the old timeline, where she knew how everything worked. Everything was all mixed up in this one. Everything was twisted, wrong. Darker. She missed the old Solas. The one who already knew. The one who had loved her. The one she had been able to touch. Kiss. She wanted so badly to talk to him. She had meant to, before they left Skyhold. As soon as her hangover had been relatively cured, she had even gone to see him in the rotunda. But, brave as always, she had chickened out. It was weird how weak she was when it came to things like that. She had faced down dragons and giants and demons, and even killed the ancient magister wannabe-god. But when it came to talking about how she felt… she was like a stumbling fool. And this time it was so much harder. There was so many ways things could go wrong. She needed things to be the way they had been in the other time, because that was the way she knew that they could win. But everything she said and did had the power to derail things, derail people. How was she supposed to figure out all of this on her own? How was she..?

“Ghilani…?” his voice came from behind her, making her freeze up again. She quickly wiped her tears away before he could see them.

“Hello Solas.” She smiled weakly.

“Sleepless again?” She just nodded, not trusting her voice to behave.

“Is it about your clan?” he asked her, walking over to stand next to her.

“No, not really…” she whispered back.

“What is it that’s been bothering you so?” he looked concerned. “If you would only tell me, perhaps I could help.” 

“I wish you could, Solas.” She sighed.

“Then will you allow it? We could go somewhere to talk. Preferably somewhere more pleasant than this…” he gestured towards the lake, but all she could hear was the words. Almost exactly the same as he had used before, echoing in her mind. She had to say yes, she knew it. She had to talk to him at some point, keeping her distance clearly hadn’t helped. With a soft sigh, she nodded and looked up at him.

“Thank you.” He smiled gently, before gesturing to the soft grass underneath them. “This will be easier if you lay down. Make yourself comfortable, and focus on your breathing… I will guide you…”

“You forget, Solas.” Ghilani interrupted, flashing an innocent smile. “I’m a mage as well. _You’re_ not the only one with the power.” She ignored his baffled expression as she lay down, not waiting for him to move before she started the familiar process. Letting him follow _her_ instead.

 

When she opened her eyes they were back in Haven again. She looked around as they walked through the village, shuddering as the sounds of fighting filled her. They passed through the gates, and all she could see was the blood on the ground. The corpses of the villagers that had died the first time lay strewn amidst the red templars from the second. She did her best not to notice their faces, but failed miserably. The building on the left side as they came up the stairs was still burning in her memories, door still broken where she had kicked it down to save those who had been trapped inside. So much blood had been spilt here. So much death… the screaming voices of people being beaten, being burned alive… She didn’t realise until Solas grabbed her that the sounds were actually there. She had been so lost in her own thoughts that she had shaped the dream without even realising it.

“You’re a Dreamer…” he marveled, looking at her with fascination under furrowed brows.

“I’m so sorry…” she whispered to him, halting as she made the sounds go away again. “I didn’t mean to do that. The memories in this place is just so overwhelming. There are so many of them, contradicting each other…” she stopped herself before she could say anything more.

“Contradicting each other?” he reached out and cupped her chin, lifting her face to look at him. “What’s really going on, Ghilani?”

Having him touch her again, in this place, made something burst inside her, she was down on her knees before she even knew she was falling, shaking uncontrollably. The whole world fell apart around her, and from the way he gasped she knew that he could see it too. But there was no way that she could hold it back now. It was like he had torn down the wall she had been hiding behind.

She could feel him kneeling down in front of her, and his arms as they softly embraced her. She flinched, making him back away again as she looked at him.

“Solas…” she choked, fighting to get the words out, “please don’t… I can’t… not with you, not when you’re like this.”

“Like what? He stared at her, eyes wide with surprise and concern.

“Indifferent.” The word came out as a whisper, barely audible.

Shock flickered across his face. “Why would you think I’m indifferent?”

She started shaking again, cursing herself for being so weak around him. “You are not him…”

“Who…?” he was whispering now.

“Uhm… _you_?” she had to laugh at the confused face in front of her. “I mean, you are, but you’re… _not_.”

“Could you please calm yourself down and explain?” he reached out for her hand, and squeezed it lightly.

“I can try…” she frowned up at him, “but it’s all so confusing. I don’t even know how it happened myself.”

She took a moment to gather herself, biting her lip and twisting a strain of hair between her fingers as she pondered how to explain everything.

“I woke up in that basement in the chantry. You know that much… you were sitting beside me while I slept. Studying the anchor.” She stopped to smile at his confusion, but kept going before he could ask. “Only that’s not the first time I did that. None of this, actually. Solas, I’ve been through all of this before. All of it. The time-travel in Redcliffe, the attack on Haven, the rift under the water in Crestwood… all of it. But more than that, I’ve seen what happens after. Everything. The last thing I remember before waking up in the chantry was being in my quarters in Skyhold, _months_ after defeating Corypheus.” She glanced over at him, to see if he was still following, “He sent me back, Solas. Corypheus reset everything and sent me back to the beginning, so that he could have another chance at success. He told me so himself, when I stayed behind to distract him.”

Solas sat quietly for a long time. Ghilani didn’t dare disturb him, afraid of what would happen next. Finally, he looked back at her.

“Does any of the others know?”

“Varric was the first to find out.” She nodded. “He practically forced it out of me. I told Dorian, hoping he would have some insight, having worked with this sort of magic before. He was my closest friend before I got sent back, the closest I’ve ever had. I knew he would understand. And I told Cassandra and Leliana before the attack on Haven, so that they could prepare… I didn’t think they would believe me, but I had to try, if it could save more lives… and when the attack happened just like I said, they soon came to believe. They convinced Josie and Cullen.” she shook her head solemnly “But… I’m so _tired_ , Solas. I barely made it through all of this the first time. The thought of having to do all of it all over again… I don’t know if I can.”

She buried her face in her hands, shaking, as tears welled up in her eyes. He nodded slowly, as if taking it all in, before he frowned again.

“And that part about me not being me…?” he squeezed her hand again when she did not answer, “lethallan, please.”

“In that other time… you were…” she looked down at her hands, not daring to meet his eyes, almost holding her breath as she finally continued. “we were… and now, we’re not, and you’re not him, and you’re…indifferent.” she said again.

“You keep saying that word…” she could almost hear him frowning. “Look at me, please.”

She finally did, and was stunned by the intense look on his face.

“I may not be him, lethallan, but I am not indifferent.” He reached out to touch her face again, and smiled softly. “Far from it. Don’t you see how special you are, Ghilani? I thought us all doomed, I was ready to flee, but then you showed up. You changed… everything.”

Ghilani smiled at him, and reached up to put her hand on top of his.

“You said that last time as well. You even brought me here to do it.”

“I did?”

Ghilani nodded, smiling weakly. “Only obviously I wasn’t such an emotional wreck that time.”

“It’s fascinating how you seem to know so much more about my future than I do.” He mused, stroking her hand absently.

“It won’t be exactly the same though, lots of things can change. Especially now that both he and I knows. The future I knew might be lost forever. Everything I had.” She smiled sadly, “even you.”

This time he was the one who leaned in for the kiss. Before she even knew what happened she was in his arms, being pulled tightly against his body. She knew that she should pull away, that this could only lead to more heartache. This was not the man who loved her. She should stop this before it went any further. But she couldn’t make herself do it. She had missed him too much, for too long, and now he was here. Different, but still _Solas_. So instead she leaned in even closer, returning his kiss and clinging to the back of his shirt as if he’d disappear if she let go.

For the first time in years, she felt whole. This was the person she was supposed to be. And, no matter how things had turned out, or would turn out… this was the person she was supposed to be with.

 

 

He pulled her aside the next night. Hawke and Stroud had left to scout the Western Approach, and they were settling down for their last night in Crestwood. They would be heading back home tomorrow. She closed her eyes, already knowing what was coming.

“Ghilani… we should.” He hesitated, “The kiss was… impulsive and ill considered, and I should not have encouraged it. I do not know if this is the wise thing to do. It might lead to trouble.”

“I know.” She nodded and smiled softly, “but I am still willing to take that chance. If you are.” _Please say yes, please say yes._

“I… might be. Yes. If I could take some time to think. There are… considerations.”

“Of course.” She reached out and stroke her hand along his jaw, before stepping back. “Take all the time you need.”

“Thank you.” He sighed, “I am not often thrown by things that happen in dreams…”

“I know,” she said softly. “I didn’t use to be either.”

 

……………

 

With the help of her advisors Ghilani started digging into the issue of Corypheus’ secret agent. The things he had said about her being the one to place them there could mean so much. Hundreds of people arrived at Skyhold every week, and a lot of them were there as a result of her actions. Alexius was an obvious suspect, as he already had a history with time magic. But he had been under constant watch ever since he arrived, both by the mages he was sentenced to serve _and_ by the Inquisition guards. It was hard to believe he had been able to get away unnoticed. Still he was their best bet. And if it wasn’t him… then it could be anyone. That was a much more frightening thought. It was impossible to say for sure, whoever it had been. All they could do was upgrade every single security measure they had, and hope that this time things would be different. Hope that by the time the final battle arrived this time, they would be prepared for whatever happened.

 

 

“So, tell us all why Sera stopped drinking wine.” Dorian teased, emptying yet another glass. He and Varric had joined Ghilani, Sera and the Iron Bull for a round of drinks as they came back from one of Sera’s Red Jenny missions.

“Well,” Ghilani poured herself another glass. “We came to this place where the stash was supposed to be. But there weren’t anything there, no village, nothing. So Sera suspected something had gone wrong.”

“Yeah, the people that leave me stuff don’t trek out to places like that.” Sera returned from the bar, with a giant mug full of ale.

“Sure you brought enough there, Buttercup?” Varric frowned. “They didn’t have any clean glasses left?”

Sera glared at him, taking a sip. “Friggin’ glass wasn’t big enough.”

“Anyway,” Ghilani continued, smiling at her increasingly drunk friend. “This guy shows up, and he’s like ‘Don’t hurt me! He made me do it!’, and then when Sera asks if he was the friend we were looking for he started yelling…”

“IT’S HER! IT’S RED JENNY!” Sera shouted, causing at least one person in the tavern to fall of their seat.

It took some time for everyone to recover from that. Varric choked on a peanut, forcing Dorian, shaking with laughter, to knock him on the back a few times to get it out. The Iron Bull knocked over their newly opened bottle of wine, and had to stagger over to the bar to pick up a new one, snickering to himself the whole way. Ghilani was just giggling frantically, staring at the others, and enjoying an intense feeling of homecoming. _This_ was family. These were the people she thought she had lost. These mumbling, slurring, stumbling fools. Her squad. Her family. She leaned back in her chair, just enjoying this rare moment of bliss. As she looked up, she could see Cole leaning over the railing in the attic, looking down on them with a fascinated look. She smiled at him, and motioned for him to join them, but he didn’t move. She wasn’t surprised, really. Drunk people always seemed to confuse him.

“Okay…” she started, as soon as Bull got back with more wine. “Where were we?”

“There was yelling, I believe.” Dorian filled his glass and motioned for her to get on with it.

“Right, yelling. As soon as he mentiones Red Jenny, he gets shot. Like, two arrows in him, ‘ _pew pew_ ’, just like that. And then WE were attacked, by these three mercenaries.”

“Didn’t stand a chance, poor bastards.” Bull chuckled. Ghilani took the break to refill her own glass

“Indeed they didn’t.” Ghilani snickered. “And then this noble turns up at the other end of the clearing.”

“Arse-biscuit.” Sera muttered into her ale.

“Yeah, that’s the one. HE starts apologizing, says he had nooo idea that the _Inquisitor_ was involved. That he had been so sure that _I_ was just another victim to these Red Jennies.” Ghilani took a large sip of her wine, “And THEN, he starts to bargain with me. Said that despite my ‘foreign nature’ I was a social peer. Telling me that if I were to ally with him, we would surely both benefit from it…” Ghilani stopped, taking a dramatic pause as she sipped her wine, before finishing; “ And that’s about when Sera beat the living shit out of the bastard.”

“Okay, that IS a good story,” Varric chuckled, “but where did the _wine_ come in?”

“Oh, uhm.” Ghilani caught a glare from Sera. “As she continued to beat him I might have told her that is was enough, that… and I quote: ‘at this point you’re just making wine.’”

“Uurgh” Sera shuddered, turning her focus to the ale again.

“Making wine.” Varric shook his head laughing. “I’ll have to remember to use that sometime.”

“Planning a new book, Varric? Not about us, I hope.” Ghilani gave him an obviously fake glare.

“Me? I would never.” He shook his head innocently. “As if I would ever use any of my friends for story fodder like that.”

“Yeah, I bet you told Hawke that too.” Bull laughed.

“As if I would ever lie!”

_“I’m a professional liar, Foxie!”_ Ghilani whispered, imitating Varric’s voice.

“Okay, fine.” Varric laughed. “I surrender. Now, if you all excuse me, I’ll go buy the next round, since this bottle seems to have emptied already.”

 

 

“Ghilani?” the worried voice came from the rotunda as she staggered by. _Crap_. She had hoped he wouldn’t see her. He shouldn’t. Not like this. _Play it cool, Ghilani!_

“Heeeeey, Solas.” She stopped, and turned towards him, slowly so she wouldn’t trip.

“Are you all right?” he came towards her, raising a brow. “You look…”

“I’m fiiiiiiine.” She slurred, waving a hand to show how totally okay she was.

“Ghilani, you’re swaying…” he frowned as he reached ut to catch her. “Are you drunk?”

“Me? Nooo… I wouldn’t” Ghilani grinned. “I’m the Inquisisi..stitor.”

“Yes, so I’ve heard.” Solas chuckled. “How about we get you back up to your quarters, before any of your esteemed nobles happen by and see you like this.”

“Or Josephine!” she slurred back.

“Yes.” Solas nodded. “That would probably be even worse. What happened to your _clothes?”_ he asked as he looked her over.

Confused, Ghilani had to look down to see what he was talking about. There were red stains all over her chest, and down one of her legs.

“Ah. That.” She giggled. “Bull spilled some wine. An entire bottle, in fact.”

Solas just shook his head, and turned around to pull one of her arms over his shoulder.

“Let’s just get you to bed before anythings else happens, shall we?”

It took a while, getting Ghilani up all the stairs. Solas probably would her left her to it if it wasn’t for the fact that she might have fallen over the railing if he didn’t help her. Finally he got her up, and watched her as she stumbled towards the bed. On the way there she managed to crash into both the small table _and_ the couch. She could hear Solas sighing behind her, and his weary steps as he followed her. She finally managed to lie down, more or less properly.

“Stay with me until I fall asleep?” she whimpered, looking up at him with her best pouty-lip.

“Ghilani…” Solas frowned.

“I don’t feel good.” She tried to bat her eyelashes, but just got dizzy from the excess blinking instead.

“And whose fault is that, dear Inquisitor?” he raised his brow, but couldn’t hide his smile.

“Please?”

“Fine.” He sighed. “Just get those stained clothes off, and get under the sheets before you catch a cold.”

“Ooooh, are you telling me to take my clothes off?” Ghilani grinned.

“Ghilani…” he frowned, “don’t do this. Just, change. I’ll turn around. Just… be good, alright?”

“Fine. Mr Frowny.”

She stuck her tongue out just as he turned around. She just barely caught his frown turning into a smile. As she had to concentrate to keep from falling, it took her a few tries before she managed to get the lounge clothes off and the nightgown on, but she finally got herself tucked under the sheets.

“It’s okay, I’m all decent now.”

“Oh really?” he turned back around. “Are you sure you even know how?"

“You’re funny.” Ghilani giggled.

“You’re an incredibly easy audience.”

“You’re also very cute.” She nodded to herself.

“Ghilani… we talked about this.” He whispered, looking worried. “I need some…”

“Time to think. I know.” Ghilani blushed “I’m sorry, Solas. I shouldn’t… I didn’t mean to…” she trailed off, staring down at her hands. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, _lethallan_.” He sighed.

“Will you stay anyway? Just until I fall asleep? I promise I won’t try to seduce you or anything.” She mumbled and grinned.

“I doubt that you would have been very successful in your present state, though I am sure the sight would be… fascinating.” He raised a brow, smiling. “But you probably should go to sleep now. Surely you have important matters to attend to in the morning.”

Ghilani groaned and nodded.

“Josephine wanted me to take dancing lessons. As a preparation for when we go to the Winter Palace next month. I tried telling her that I already had them, before the last time I went there, but she insisted.” She hesitated. “She’ll probably insist that you’ll be there too. Everyone who’s going to the ball will need to be there.”

“You’re really going to bring the elven apostate to the grand ball? The nobles of the court won’t like that.”

“If anyone there says one disrespectful thing to you, I’ll kick their ass.” Ghilani slurred, hardly able to keep her eyes open now.

“That seems like an excellent way to gain court approval.” He laughed.

“Are you saying you don’t want to go with me?”

“I didn’t say that.” He smiled at her. “I enjoy masquerades.”

“Good.” She smiled. “It’s a date then.” She sank deeper into her pillows, with a soft sigh.

Solas almost opened his mouth to answer, but thought better of it. Instead he settled in to watch her as she fell asleep. Wondering how someone could be so drunk and stumbling, and yet manage to be the most magnificent woman he had ever encountered.


	9. The Second Leaving

She was sitting on her bed trying to read when he finally came to her. It had been weeks since he told her he needed time. That had scared her, it didn’t take him that long the last time. She had already lost him once…

“ _Lethallan_ … am I disturbing you?”

“No, no” she shook her head, perhaps a bit too eagerly “please come in.”

He sat down on the couch, frowning as he looked down on his hands.

“What were you like?” he finally asked, “before the anchor. Has it changed you?”

“No…” she whispered carefully, “it hasn’t.”

“Has it affected you in any way? Your mind, your morals, your… spirit.” He looked so insecure, it made her heart ache seeing him like that.

“No. I’m still me.”

“Ah.”

“Solas…” she stopped him before he could continue, she had already had this conversation once. “What does this mean?”

“It means… I have not forgotten the kiss.”

Ghilani grinned, as she removed the book from her lap and moved to sit on the edge of the bed, facing him.

“Good. Neither have I.”

She got up slowly, scared that she would chase him away if she moved to fast. Carefully she crossed the floor to where he sat, and reached out her hands to him. He just stared at them, for a few devastatingly long seconds, before he finally came up to meet her. His lips as they softly met hers chased away all her fear and worry. All that mattered was that he was back, and he was here, with her.

She had to do it now, before she lost her nerve. She knew he would pull away soon. And if she let him walk through that door she would never be able to do it. As he turned around towards the stairs she reached out to grab his arm.

“Don’t go…”

“It would be kinder in the long run.” he sighed, “but losing you would…” he didn’t finish the sentence before his lips crushed into hers. She let herself get pulled in, moaning silently as she answered the kiss perhaps even more passionately than him, knowing that this could very well be their last.

It took a long time before she managed to pull away. He tried to drag her back in, but she stepped out of his reach to prevent him. She couldn’t delay any more, if she was ever going to get this out.

“Solas… please.” She exhales softly, “I need to tell you something.”

He frowned, “what is it?”

“I… know who you are.” She closed her eyes, not daring to look at him.

To her surprise, he aswered with a chuckle. “I already know that much, Ghilani.”

“No…” she shook her head, staring down at her bare feet. “I know who you really are.”

She could almost hear him frowning.

“What do you mean?

“Your real name, Solas.” She finally made herself meet his gaze, and just caught the flicker of fear before he composed himself again.”Fen’Harel.”

He gasped, and took a step back.

“How,” he whispered, “what makes you think…”

“In my future…” she whispered, barely audible. “I drank from the Well.”

“ _Vir’abelasan_ ” He sighed, closing his eyes. “The Well of Sorrows.”

“Yes. We had no choice. Corypheus was after it. I had to do it. What was one more debt…” She hesitated, “ Mostly I am able to keep the voices quiet, but after the fight with Corypheus, I was so exhausted. I let my guard down, and they blared up inside me. I thought of you, I was looking around to see where you were… and the voices reacted to my thoughts. Only they knew you by another name.”

“And you believed them…?” he still hadn’t opened his eyes. _If I hadn’t believed it then, I definitely would now._

“Yes. It made everything make sense. The secrets you kept, things you said that never quite added up. The way you always kept your guard up around people. Your reactions to Morrigan’s comments. How the sentinels at the Temple of Mythal recognized you as one of their own, but not me.” She reached out for his hand. He flinched, but still allowed her to take it.

“It’s okay, Solas. This doesn’t have to change anything.”

“How could it not.” He pulled his hand back, and shook his head, still not meeting her eyes.

He turned away slowly, and started walking towards the stairs. Ghilani sighed, closing her eyes tightly.

“ _Ar lath ma vhenan_.” She whispered softly, knowing that he could still hear her.

She heard him stop, and for a moment she dared hope that he might come back to her. But then she heard his footsteps again, as they walked away. As the sound of the door closing reached her, her knees gave in. It was over. She had lost him all over again. Her body started shaking, and this time she allowed herself to fall apart. There was no longer any reason not to.

By the next day he was gone, having disappeared without a word during the night. Leliana offered to have her scouts look for him, but Ghilani refused. She knew they would never find anything, not when he didn’t want to be found. It had been too painful the last time, hoping everyday that one of the birds would bring her some news, and each time getting nothing. Instead she shut herself down. Forcing her body to ignore the stabbing pain in the heart, keeping herself as occupied as she could with missions and work. Mostly people kept their distance as best they could, weary of her cold glares she gave them anytime anyone tried to chat with her. She stayed far away from Cole, knowing that he would only read her darkest thoughts back to her. Only Dorian and Varric stayed by her side, silently keeping her company, patiently accepting that she never seemed to pay attention to anything they said.

It was only at night she let the walls she had built up around her fall. No matter how hard she tried to stop it, the nightmares never failed to haunt her. She asked Adan for a sleeping potion, hoping it would knock her out enough to stop the dreams, but it only made them worse. All they did was trap her in there, unable to change anything, unable to leave. She tried using herbs to temporarily separate her from the Fade as she slept, but even that didn’t help her. Her connection to it was too strong, as it had always been. She tried staying awake instead, going back to her old routine of wandering the halls all night. But a body can only go so long without sleep.

She had all but fallen asleep over a large volume of some tevinter manuscript when a sound next to her woke her up.

“He is afraid. Betrayed so many times, how could this not end badly. She can’t see me like this.”

“Hello, Cole.” Even after Ghilani and Varric had helped him become more human, he still always seemed to manage sneaking up on her.

“He never wanted to leave.”

“But he did.” She sighed, “he always does. I was a fool to believe this time was different.”

“ _Ar lath, ma vhenan_. He wanted to say it back, but he was afraid. He’s always afraid.”

“So am I.” Ghilani whispered. “Please, Cole. I…I need to be alone.”

She didn’t hear him leave, but she didn’t need to. The silence surrounded her like an old friend.

 

 

“Ghilani” Cassandra’s voice rang through the main hall.

_Crap_. She had tried to sneak through, once again heading down to the dusty library. She spent almost every night there now. It was easier to stay awake there, and unlike her own room this one held no painful memories. Also, nobody else ever came down there, giving her a welcome break from all the pitying stares she had to face everywhere else. She had almost made it to the door when Cassandra approached her.

“What do you want?” Her voice sounded harder than she had planned, provoking a stern glare from the seeker. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… what did you need?”

“We need to talk. Come join me in the war room.” Cassandra strode off, leaving Ghilani with no choice but to follow.

She followed through Josephine’s office with an increasingly bad feeling. That look on Cassandra’s was usually reserved for bad news. What was it this time? To her surprise the war room was empty as they entered. Ghilani frowned. Not Inquisition business, then. Was it about the missing seekers? She remembered how they had tracked them down the last time.

“The others and I have been talking.” Cassandra started, as always jumping straight to the point. “And have come to the conclusion that you are no longer fit for leadership.”

“What?” _No longer fit for leadership?_   "What do you mean?”

“You have been… distracted lately.” Cassandra frowned. “For obvious reasons. We understand that, all of us. But we have to put the needs of the Inquisition before our personal lives.”

“So… what? I’m no longer the Inquisitor?”

Cassandra snorted. “Of course you are. We just think it would be best if you stepped down for a while. Until you can get yourself back on your feet.”

“Okay…” Ghilani nodded. Cassandra was right, of course. “So how do you want us to do this? Should we make an official statement or something?”

“Absolutely not. The last thing we want is for this to get out.” Cassandra looked at her with something resembling sympathy. “We were thinking that you should just remain at Skyhold for the time being. You can help with some of the planning, but will be otherwise relieved from duty.”

“I understand.” Truth be told, this was almost a relief. She knew all to well that she had been doing a bad job lately. And Cassandra and the others were right, the Inquisition had to come first.

“Good." Cassandra nodded. "I'm glad you are taking this so well. We will of course keep you updated on any important matters.”

 

 

To pass the time she threw herself into studies of her own, asking Josephine to send for any texts she could find on elven culture and lore. With both Keeper Istimaethoriel and her First dead, Ghilani was now technically the new Keeper. Even though the clan no longer existed, and even though she had never wanted the position before, she somehow felt it was her responsibility to at least try to do… something. She had never had the patience most of the others in the clan had for old legends and artifacts, but now she suddenly found herself desperate to gather whatever she could of the past. Her heart ached when she thought about all that was lost when the templars had destroyed their camp and everything they possessed of the past. Even if Ghilani had left that life behind, this was still her heritage.

As Solas had informed her at countless times, a lot of what she had previously learned was wrong. So now she gave herself the task of finding the truth. At least some of it. Anything at all. Josephine was happy enough to help, probably seeing this as a way to get the Inquisitor back on her feet, and soon books started arriving from all over Thedas. Although it was mainly observations and investigations written by human encountering the wild elves, they still offered some interesting perspectives.

She contacted other Dalish clans herself, informing them of her clan’s demise, and asking them for assistance. Some of them wrote back with their condolances, and were more than willing to assist her. She then proceeded to compare their knowledge, put stories up against each other to see where they differed. She wrote down what little Solas had shared, which wasn’t much. He had never wanted to discuss anything about elven culture, unless it was to point out everything the people were wrong about. Sadly, she did not learn much from all this. So much of their history had been lost, and no matter how much she wanted to she could not simply drag the information back though thin air. She did learn a lot more on elven language, and some things about the elven pantheon she had not heard before. But she had strong doubts about the latter. If she had learned anything from being with Solas it was that those stories were mostly lies. She got frustrated after reading story after story portaying the man she knew and loved to some kind of evil demon, and quickly abandoned those stories. There was nothing to learn there. The only one who could teach her was long gone.

Still she kept up her search, hoping some good would come out of it. Somehow, even as much as he had despised almost everything about the Dalish, filling her days with elven culture made her feel just a tiny bit closer to him.

 

 

She was in a forest, only it wasn’t anything like any of the forests she had grown up in. This place felt wrong. The trees were too towering, and seemed to lean in on her. She started walking in a random direction, hoping to find some way out of there. It was too _quiet._ Forests are never supposed to be quiet, but there were no sounds of birds or animals here. As if something had chased them away. Unlike any other forest she had been in, this one made her whole body tremble with fear. She couldn’t breathe, and her heart beat so loudly she could hear it clearly. The sound echoed all around her, twisting and distorting to sound more like something monsterous.

Her body tensed up, suddenly hyper aware of how vulnerable she was, alone in a sinister forest in nothing but her nightgown. _Beware of the trickster, da’len._ The voice of the Keeper whispered in her ear. _May the Dread Wolf never catch your scent._ Mixing with the echoes, repeating itself over and over again.

Suddenly desperate to be anywhere but here she started running, but no matter how fast she went she never seemed to get anywhere. The forest never changed, but repeated itself again and again, trapping her in the same clearing she had started in. Pure panic was already building up in her as the beast appeared between the trees to her left. Gasping for breath she recognized the Dread Wolf. Only it wasn’t the one who came to her as she was dying on the mountain, the one who had been her solace during her lonely childhood. This was the wolf from the Dalish tales. The monster they were taught to fear above anything. Larger than a bear, with long black fur and blood red eyes. Too many eyes.

She bolted in the opposite direction, but no matter how fast she ran, the beast was always one step behind her, snapping at her legs with its razor sharp teeth. All around her she could hear wolves howling, as if hundreds of them were closing in on her, hundreds of large paws drumming against the ground to join the echoing choir of voices and heartbeats. And worst of all, the deep growls coming from the one right behind her.

She ran for an eternity, out of breath and with her feet screaming for a break. But she couldn’t stop. She had to go faster, she had to get away. One mistake, one wrong move, and the beast would devour her. Erasing her from all time and space. Dooming the world to oblivion. She had to keep going. The weight of all her responsibilities pressed down on her shivering shoulders, making each step heavier than the last.

Finally she could see a light in front of her, and she knew that if she could only make it out of the forest she would be free of the monster. With a new burst of strenght and energy, she forced herself to move faster, to run faster than ever before. But just as she allowed herself to hope, a root somehow raised itself off the ground in front of her, dragging the bushes surrounding it up to trip her. As her feet tangled into the menacing plants she felt the whole forest shift, leaning in on her, blocking out every last trace of light. She just managed to turn over on her back before the beast was upon her, its front paws pinning her down in the dirt. It growled and snarled down at her, finally leaning in for the kill… and as it did, its bloody eyes faded away and were replaced by a familiar pair of blueish grey. Staring down at her, with a murderous glare. Slowly moving closer and closer, paws turning into hands that had once held hers so tenderly.

_You changed… nothing._

 

 

The nightmare haunted her almost every night now, and the image of his cold eyes followed her around all day. Waking up from the forth time, shaking madly, she vowed to stay awake from now on. She stopped eating, and filled her stomach with tea and herbs instead, anything that could keep her mind from dozing off, stop her traitorous body from shutting down. But her actions had little effect. She could only keep her body going for days at a time, before it desperately collapsed, exhausted from the storm that raged inside her.

The nightmare had gradually changed, each time lasting longer, each one scarier than the last. She woke up screaming everytime she slept. The images inside her had only gotten worse, haunting her even while awake. After a few weeks of this, Dorian and Varric declared that it was enough.

She had been awake for three days, knowing that she’d have to sleep soon. She retreated to her room after dinner, having promised them that she would go straight to bed. She had just crawled under the sheets when she heard footsteps coming up the stairs. For one agonizing second she dared to think it might be him, but the steps were way to heavy for that.

Dorian came towards her, staring down at her with sincere pain in his eyes.

“You can’t go on like this, my dear.”

“I know…” Ghilani whispered. “But how am I supposed to make it stop? I’ve tried everything”

Her body had already started shaking, anticipating the inescapable terror she knew were closing in on her.

“I thought some company might help.” Dorian smiled gently to her. “Varric and I talked about it. The last thing you need right now is to be up here alone. So I’ll be staying with you tonight. Hopefully that might help you get some sleep.”

“ _Thank you_ …” she murmured, tears welling up in her eyes as he climbed into the bed beside her, pulling her into his strong arms.

“It’s what friends are for, Ghilani. You don’t have to go through this on your own.”

Dorian and Varric started taking turns at spending the night with her in her room, one of them always insisted on staying at Skyhold when the other went out on missions. Finally her body started to relax, knowing that someone was there to watch over her as she slept. Slowly she started getting better, her body reluctantly beginning to feel like her own again.

The real breakthrough came one evening as she accidentally caught her own image in the looking glass hanging in the corner of her bedroom. She froze, hardly recognizing the scrawny elf staring back at her. She was all skin and bones, having hardly had the stomach to eat at all for weeks, and there were dark circles looking more like bruises under her eyes. Ghilani walked closer to get a better view. If it wasn’t for the scar and her _vallaslin_ , and the rare shade of green in her eyes she would not have believed it was her. Was this really what she had become? How could she let this happen to herself? How could she fall so far? Solas was the greatest man she had ever met, and for years she had loved him with all her heart. But he was just a man. And this had to stop. The world depended on her success, and yet she had let everything fall apart. No more.

She walked into the war room the next afternoon, declaring her return. It would take some time to get her physique back to where it had been, but she was officially back in action. Good thing she wasn’t a warrior. It would have taken her a considerably longer time to get back in the field if she had to depend on her physical strength. As a mage things were simpler. Enough barriors and guard spells, and she’d be fine. And it was high time they dealt Corypheus a real blow.


	10. Without Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Added titles to all the chapters.

Ghilani’s personal meltdown had complicated matters. By the time she got back on her feet they only had days left to prepare for the Grand Ball. It was a good thing that Josephine had instructed her in all matters of etiquette the last time, as they had no time for such things now. The last time they went there they had all been wearing the same uniforms. This time Ghilani wanted to do things differently. The others could wear their matching uniforms, but she would not. She knew that the uniforms had been Leliana’s idea, that it had been an attempt to present them as a united force. But the truth was that no matter how similar they dressed, she would still be seen as an outsider. There was no way to deny that Ghilani, with her distinctively elven appearance, was unlike any other guest at the ball. There was no avoiding that. So Ghilani had decided to use that to her advantage, to use that divergence as a strength rather than the obstacle it had been the last time she was there.

Josephine had already sent for a tailor to make their uniforms. Ghilani spent hours in a room with the Orleasian woman, sketching up ideas and trying out different kinds of fabrics. Nobody else was allowed to enter, other than Dorian, who Ghilani had recruited to help her make the designs.

The resulting dress was magnificent. It was based on one Keeper Istimaethoriel had used for special occations. Ghilani had only seen it two or three times, but her memory of it was solid enough for her to manage a basic sketch of it. Her drawing skills were next to nonexistant, but along with her explanations the tailor was able to make a sketch of her own. The one her Keeper had worn was somewhat similar to a floor length gown. For practical reasons, this would not work for Ghilani. They knew that things would be different at this ball than they had been the last time, or at least they had to be prepared for them to be, but no matter what they were walking into, Ghilani had to be able to fight. She had to be able to move freely. The result was a perfect mash-up of a dress and an armor. For someone not looking too closely, it was simply a rather daring dress.

The green silk, its color a perfect match of her eyes, had small elven symbols carefully stitched with sparkling orange and deep red threads perfectly designed to bring out the fiery glow of her hair. In the midst of the symbols there were a narrow dark tree sewn onto the dress, moving all the way up from her waist. The branches of the tree skillfully spread out as they passed her breasts to move over her shoulders, casually and beautifully holding the dress in place, before cascading like a dark waterfall down her back. The roots of the tree stretched all the way down to where the dress ended by her knees, branching out to merge with the dark trimming on the hem. To assure her full mobility the dress had splits going all the way up her thighs, ending almost at her hips, giving a delightful view of a few centimeters of skin between her dark brown undergarments and the thigh high boots she would be wearing. Covering her arms up to her elbows were dark brown gloves, a perfect match to the leather of her boots. The gloves were delicately decorated with small green and white symbols, the same shade as the silk covering her body, and the boots had shiny dark green lacing.

It was a strikingly beautiful sight, but it was not only for show. The leather of the boots and gloves, despite their frail and delicate looks, were sturdy and strong, and the beautiful tree adorning her dress hid a panel of supple leather. To complete their already impressive creation Ghilani traced different kinds of guarding spells into all the shining symbols decorating her outfit.

 

They went to the Winter Palace prepared for things to be different this time. It was impossible to know how much Corypheus had told Florianne, but surely he would have shared something. At the very least he would have prepared her for the arrival of the Inquisition. They had wondered if he might have chosen a different assassin this time, using the duchess as a decoy, but Josephine and Leliana believed it would be hard for anyone else to get close enough to the Empress to strike. Though as Leliana pointed out, they could never be sure of anything there.

This time Ghilani sought out ambassador Briala as soon as they entered the palace, hours before the ball itself would begin. The Empress had graciously offered the Inquisition the use of one of her guest wings, no doubt as a show of support for their cause. It was a comfortable change from the last time, when she had hardly wanted them there at all, forcing the Inquisition to rely on Gaspard for their invitations. As Josephine left to get everyone settled in at their chambers, and send the Empress word of their arrival, Leliana and Ghilani went looking for Briala. They found her in one of the gardens, talking with a group of other elves. Ghilani recognized one of them from the last time, and guessed that these were some of the ambassador’s agents.

“Ambassador Briala.” Leliana called as they approached. “If we might have a word?”

It was strange seeing the woman without her mask on. For the first time Ghilani could actually see her face. She was beautiful, she thought to herself. Her pale eyes seemed to change color with the light. When they had last met Ghilani had thought them to be grey, with a slight blueish tint. But out here the color was closer to a pale green.

“Sister Nightingale.” Briala nodded politely, “And Inquisitor Lavellan, I presume. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“It’s nice to meet you, ambassador.” Ghilani nodded back, smiling at her fellow elf, “however I would hold off on calling it a pleasure until we’re finished, if I were you.”

“What the Inquisitor means to say,” Leliana scowled at her, “Is that we have some… bad news. You might not like hearing what we have to share with you. However, I beg of you to please hear us out.”

The ambassador’s eyes narrowed, but she finally nodded again. “Of course.”

“We have good reason to believe there will be an assassin present at the ball tonight.” Leliana started. They had decided that she should be doing most of the talking, since she had the most experience with situations like these. “And we came to offer our help dealing with the matter.”

“I see.” Briala frowned. “And why would you offer this?”

“Because the assassin is working for our enemy.”

“This Elder One?” Briala looked at Ghilani. “How did you come by this information?”

“When we were dealing with the Tevinter magister in Redcliffe, me and an ally were sent into the future. We witnessed the result of the Elder One’s plans. The assassination of Empress Celene was one of his greatest accomplishments.” She answered. They had decided to neglect mentioning the second time travel Ghilani had suffered, and instead adapting the first one to fit their story. “I saw what would happen here.”

“Then I assume you know who the assassin is?” Briala stared at her.

“The assassin was Grand Duchess Florianne.” Leliana answered, meeting the ambassador’s sceptical glare with one of her own.

“Florianne?” Briala replied, “Gaspard’s own sister. Is he involved in all this as well? It does sound like something he would do.”

“We don’t think so. But he is planning on interrupting the peace talks as well, by smuggling in mercenaries and attacking council members.”

“Why are you telling me all this?” the ambassador finally challenged. “What is it you seek to gain from this?”

“The Inquisition gains influence whenever Corypheus fails. If Celene dies, Orlais would fall to chaos. I’ve seen that. We need to avoid that future. We need her alive.” Ghilani replied, meeting Briala’s questioning look with a confidence she was nowhere near actually feeling. “We need your help, Briala. Together we might both walk away from this ball stronger.”

“So what is it you want me to do? Celene needs these peace talks to succeed. Fleeing would mean defeat.”

“All we’re asking is that you prepare yourself.” Ghilani smiled gently at the ambassador. “We don’t want to disrupt the meanings, or complicate matters for Celene. That is why I came to talk to you, and not her. What I’m suggesting is this: Get your elves into position, and make sure they are prepared for battle. There will be tevinter agents hiding all over the palace. Instruct the servants not to leave the party area alone. And you… be prepared for anything. We can’t know anything for sure.”

“Too many elves were killed last time.” Leliana added. “We hope to avoid that this time.”

Briala was quiet for a while. Looking from one of them to the other while considering their suggestions.

“I’ll do it.” She finally agreed. “I certainly do not want to risk any of my people if it can be avoided. I will also help you in any way that I can. On one condition.”  _Of course. The woman was Orlesian._

“Which is?” Leliana straightened her back and stared down at the ambassador.

“The time will come tonight for the peace talks to begin. I have a feeling that you will be attending. When the time comes, you support me. That is what I propose. You help me, and I’ll help you. Just imagine what you could accomplish with an army of elven spies at your command.”

“I agree.” Ghilani smiled without hesitation and held out her hand. She had been intrigued by the elven ambassador ever since their first encounter. It had always been her plan to reunite Briala with her Empress, seeing how well that played out the last time.

 

It was so much easier to play their Game this time. It felt much less like being thrown to the proverbial wolves. As much as the nobles intitially despised her elven origin, the mystery she surrounded herself with soon caught their interest, allowing her to slowly gain their approval. The dress played it’s part nicely. She could feel them staring at her as she passed, and the glances were far from the angry glares she had experienced the first time she was here. They were entranced. As they continued to drink throughout the night some of them got even closer. With a seductive smile she fended them all off, leaving them always wanting more.

Ghilani found that she was actually enjoying herself this time. She worked the ballroom with an ease that according to Josephine gave the impression that she had been doing nothing else her entire life. She danced with this noble and that, casually manipulating their attention to her will. A few words here, some sly comments there. Effortlessly twirling even the most sceptical nobles around her fingers by the end of the night. While doing her best not to look at the statue Solas had been so casually leaning up against the last time they were here.

Although Florianne seemed to have changed her plans, the other players of the Game still acted like they did before, making it easy for Ghilani to find the evidence she needed to support Celene against Grand Duke Gaspard. Sneaking away from the party for a few moments at the time so her absence would not be noticed, she roamed the palace halls with confidence, leaving the other three struggling to keep up as she determinedly maneuvered each area, already knowing where to go. More than once she caught Varric and Dorian exchanging relieved looks, probably overjoyed to finally see her acting like herself again. And she had to admit it felt good, being able to smile again for the first time in so long.

Mostly the others just followed her, trusting that she knew best. At any rate, so far they had not really done anything… _too_ inappropriate. Though Cassandra protested rather loudly as Ghilani moved to break into Empress Celene’s private vault, her complaints died out quickly as Ghilani dangled an elven locket in front of her.

“A gift from Briala.” Ghilani grinned. “From before they parted ways. But Celene kept it, after all this time. Our friend the ambassador should know, don’t you think?”

The entire night passed without any resistance from Florianne, which terrified Ghilani more than anything. She half expected the Duchess to draw a knife anytime she moved past the Empress, that she would knock her down and end it all without any warning. Leliana hovered near the Empress the entire night, just to be safe. But nothing happened. The time for the peace talks arrived, and this time it was ambassador Briala who insisted that the Inquisitor would be part of the negotiations. The Empress accepted graciously, as one would expect.

Nothing happened after the meeting, after Gaspard had been escorted out of sight. The ball lasted all night, but no assassin ever made their move. Was it all a ruse? Corypheus couldn’t have given up on this, could he? There had to be something. So they kept on their guard to the very last second. It suited Ghilani well. She didn’t want time to think about those peaceful hours after Florianne had been taken care of, the time she had spent with _him_ on the balcony, talking and dancing as if nothing was wrong with the world. She wanted to be distracted. Thus, she was almost disappointed that nothing happened.

 

…………

 

Cassandra sought her out one night after they had set up camp in the Exalted Plains. They had spent the last few days trekking all over the area, seeking to find the meaning of some strange glyphs the Dalish had made them aware of. Each night Ghilani would leave the others behind, and walk up to a small hill next to where they had set up. She never said a word about it, and had just shrugged it off when Varric had asked her why.

“Hera…” Cassandra stopped herself just as Ghilani noticed her coming. “I’m sorry if I am intruding. I was hoping you might have a moment.”

“Of course.” Ghilani stared down at her hands, trying half-heartedly to get them to stop shaking.

“We have never really talked much, have we?” Cassandra frowned.

_We have, you just don’t remember._

“No, I guess not.” Ghilani smiled weakly at the Seeker. “It’s not that I’ve been avoiding you or anything, I hope you don’t think I have. It’s just… I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.”

“You still miss him.” Cassandra did not frame it as a question. She probably knew better.

“Yes…” Ghilani whispered, “but that’s not what’s currently keeping me up at night.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” The Seeker looked friendlier than usual, _softer_ somehow, more like the Cassandra she had known from her old life. The Cassandra she wouldn’t have hesitated sharing her worries with. She sighed, and looked up from her hands.

“I was thinking about them.” Ghilani pointed to the Dalish camp they could see across the river. “Meeting them, interacting with them… it made me remember everything I have lost.”

“You miss your old clan?”

“Yes, but its not just that.” She closed her eyes tightly. “My clan is not the only life I have left behind. When I came to Haven again, when he sent me there, I thought it would only be a matter of time before I found my way back home. I hoped that I could find a way. But I didn’t. I had hoped that Dorian could help me, but he can’t. It’s been eight months now, almost to the day. And I’m still here.”

Cassandra sounded like she was going to say something, but Ghilani just kept going.

“And I’m starting to realise that I’m never going back there. Even if I got the opportunity now, I know I would have turned it down. There is so much happening _here_. This war and all its destruction. All these rifts that only I can close. How could I abandon all that? I have to stay here. To whatever end. And I’m starting to accept that.” She swallowed. “But sometimes I wonder if I am cheating on my old life. We had saved the world from Corypheus. The danger was over, so it’s not like they specifically needed me. But I still left friends behind. People I cared about, people I loved. Dorian. Varric. _You_.” She smiled softly at Cassandra. “Everyone I ever knew. And I find myself wondering what happened to them. When the Elder One sent me back, what exactly did he do? Did he just remove _me_ to another timeline, or did he erase the old one completely? The latter seems much more likely, knowing him.”

Ghilani stared into the night for a few long minutes. “So many people I loved have died already. Some of them I’ve had to watch twice. And this time my entire clan as well. I keep seeing Keeper Istimaethoriel’s face in front of me, all rotted and broken... Everyone I grew up with is dead. We saved most of the people at Haven, but there were still deaths. And so many soldiers and agents after that… so many people I fail to save.” She hesitated. “If everyone I ever knew in that old timeline is gone as well… how can anything I do make up for that?”

“None of those deaths were your doing.” Cassandra reached over to grab her hand. “We all know who to blame.”

“Yes… but how long can I keep this up?” she took a deep breath before she finally managed to meet Cassandra’s eyes. “How do we know that he won’t just do this all over again? That he won’t keep sending me back in time everytime we beat him? I’m already exhausted. I was before I even arrived at Haven. If we even manage to defeat him this time, I doubt I’ll have any strenght left after that. If he does this again… the thought of having to watch the world fall apart around me over and over again.” She laughed darkly. “I think I might let you execute me next time.”

 

 

She was dreaming again. She kept up a brave face whenever the others were around, they were worried enough without her adding to it. But in her dreams she let her mind roam free. Tonight she found herself on the plains of the Free Marches. Her clan was nearby, she could feel it. With a hesitant smile on her face she started walking towards the edge of a forest to her left. Her Keeper had never liked to camp on the bare plains, it was too risky. Too dangerous, taking the chance of humans seeing them. So it they were here, they would be in that forest. Walking closer she suddenly started feeling nervous. It had been so long since she saw any of them. Maybe her intuition was wrong, that it wasn’t her clan at all. Maybe it was some kind of trap. She had been slacking off on her fade walking lately. She was so tired of everything else, and to keep control of her dreams as well just took up too much energy. Energy that she could use to save the world instead. And that was the purpose of her entire life, wasn’t it?

_That’s not the real reason why you’re neglecting the dream barriers_.

That traitorous voice from the back of her mind spoke to her loudly in this place, there was no blocking it out. And it was right. She had stopped putting up barriers against the rest of the fade as she slept. She left herself open. Secretly hoping that somehow… _he_ would find her. She knew that he would be roaming the fade in his dreams. Perhaps they would stumble upon each other. Perhaps she could see him one last time. Perhaps he could give her some semblance of closure. Sometimes she would see a wolf in the distance, watching her. But surely it was only a figment of her imagination. Only a wasted hope for the impossible. A pathetic longing to alter the truth. A reminder of her greatest weakness.

She came upon the camp, but it was empty. And it was all red. Ghilani started shivering. It was one of those dreams, then. She could have woken herself up if she only focused enough, but something kept her going. Was it curiousity? She entered the camp slowly, careful not to step on anything… or anyone. She could see them all now, now that the _aravel_ she had passed no longer stood in the way. They were all here, her entire clan. Dead, on the ground, but otherwise exactly like they had been when they last met. Here in the dream, time had no effect on them. No rot or animals could get at them here. From the way they looked, she could almost believe that they were just sleeping. If it weren’t for all the red.

Tearing her eyes away from the corpses, Ghilani took a closer look at the forest around the camp. It had changed, as soon as she entered. This was the very same camp she had left behind when she went to the conclave. A soft smile broke its way onto her face as she remembered the last moment before she walked away. Closing her eyes tightly to shut out the ghastly sight, she stepped away from the corpses into the forest on the opposite side. The effect was instant. As soon as she set foot here, she was relaxed. She was calm. And she could breathe properly. She opened her eyes, and looked down on her old friend.

“ _Aneth ara, ma fen_.” He looked just the same, although he somehow felt smaller to her. “I always hoped I would see you again. I just didn’t think it would be like this… with them all gone. But I’ve missed you.”

Ghilani lay herself down in the grass beside the stone wolf, and stared up at the sky above her with a sad smile. No matter how much she wanted it to be, this was no good dream. This was the wolf of her childhood. But it wasn’t _her_ wolf. Not the one she wanted to talk to. This one didn’t answer her. He never had. Only her desperate loneliness had made it feel like he did. And the questions that really needed answering were not ones he could help with. Only one person could. And he was gone.

She woke up crying. Quickly she stifled her soft sobs, and turned over on her side to prevent Cassandra from waking to see her tears. She needed to be stronger than this. Silently cursing to herself she put up wards inside the tent, and prepared to enter a safer kind of sleep.

By the time the next morning came she had forgotten all about the first dream. Only a lingering, aching pain remained. She didn’t neglect the barriers after that night.

 

 

……………

 

 

She had long since given up on ever seeing him again, when Leliana held her back after a war council.

“Ghilani.” She started, with a strangely hesitant look on her face. “I have some… news you might be interested in.”

Ghilani frowned, and turned back towards the table. It was rare for the spymaster to sound so insecure.

“What is it?”

“I’ve gotten some strange reports lately. There have been… sightings.” Leliana stared at Ghilani, seemingly unsure of whether or not to share her information.

“Sightings of what?”

“Some of my agents in the region sent word that… Solas, have been spotted.”

Ghilani froze. It had been months since the last time anyone even dared saying that name around her.

“Where?” she whispered, clinging on to the table for support. “When?”

“I got word of a new sighting earlier today. Near Verchiel. He was headed this way.”

Ghilani closed her eyes, and focused all her attention on keeping her breath calm. He was alive. He was close.

“How far?” she could barely get the words out.

“About a week.” Leliana replied.

Ghilani just nodded, and turned to move out of the room. She needed some time to herself.

 

He was on his way. Solas was coming back.


	11. The Reunion

She had given up a long time ago, never expecting to see him again. This was the second time he left, after all. She refused to think that he would return to her now, after all this time. It had been foolish of her to indulge in the affair to begin with, after being sent back in time. She should have known better. The two of them… _him_ … it would always result in her getting her heart broken. Over and over again. She had already known that he would leave her. He would always leave her. She had to let him go. She had to stop letting him do this to her… but no matter how many times she told herself that, she knew that all he’d have to do was look at her to make all that determination fade. If Corypheous were to send her back another time… no matter how many times, she would always seek him out. She would always be his. She would always belong to him. That much was obvious by now, after all these years. But still… she had lost him, had she not? Twice now, she had been left behind. Twice her heart had been broken into tiny pieces. She would always be the one left behind. Even if he did show up, how could she ever trust him to stay? Patching herself up had taken so much longer this time, and pulling herself back together had required so much more of her energy. It had been months, without any kind of contact. Why should she believe that anything would change now? She had just barely begun healing, finally being able to sleep without the worst of the nightmares. It was only a little over two weeks since Dorian and Varric had agreed to letting her spend the nights alone again. She had been taking back the control of her life, slowly but steadily. Reminding herself everyday that she did survive the first time, that she could manage doing it again. Praying that one day she would actually believe it.

To let herself hope again now would only make it all fall apart again. All that hard work would be for nothing. Everything Dorian and Varric had done for her would have been for nothing, no matter how much help it had been at the time. All the comfort they had given her, all those long nights drunk on an endless supply of wine. All those endless nights she kept waking them up with her screams. All those nightmares they had to calm her down from. She knew that they would be there for her all over again if… _when_ , he left again, but how many times could she go though this before she cracked permanently? They might be able to keep this up forever, being such loyal friends, but could she? How many times would she live though this before she gave up? Still... in the days that followed she couldn’t keep his voice from whispering to her whenever she was alone. _You change… everything_. She had believed him at the time, but now she knew better. If she couldn’t change what mattered most, if he was still going to leave her, what good did it do? What good did anything do? What was the point of her falling over and over again, if nothing ever came of it?

 

She was in her bed, almost asleep, when he finally appeared. She was so exhausted from all the sleepless nights of the past week that she didn’t even hear him come in.

“Ghilani…” She was afraid to open her eyes, scared that this was only a dream. But then she felt him sit down next to her, on the side of the bed. 

“Ghilani.”

Groaning quietly, she pulled the sheets closer around herself to hide her lack of clothing and sat up against the headboard of the massive Orleasian bed Josephine had insisted on. They sat in silence for a while, none of them knowing where to start. Finally she opened her eyes and looked at him. He looked so tired.

“I didn’t lie, you know.” She whispered. He only raised a brow in response, “when I told you that the closest friend I had growing up was that damn statue. I loved you, even then. Without even knowing. I used to call it the _Dear Wolf_. It never failed to make the Keeper angry.” He still didn’t say anything, letting her continue talking, smiling gently at the memories “I used to pray to him. Begging him to take me away from there...”

She trailed off, staring down at her hands.

“Why would you pray to him, the known traitor of the people?” he finally spoke.

“I don’t remember how it started, I was so young,” she shrugged. “I guess I just figured that he might just be misunderstood, like me.”

When he didn’t answer she kept going, afraid he might disappear if she didn’t.

“I… was alone among the Dalish. I got along okay with some of the others, but only the older ones. Only the ones who cared for me because they knew and loved my mother. I had no friends there. The other kids teased me, bullied me. We had nothing to say to each other. We never had. So is it really so hard to understand that I could relate to the god everyone else feared and hated? The one who was always made to stay outside the camp, away from the companionship the others shared?” she took a deep breath. “I don’t remember much from before I was five, though I suppose things were different then. Before…” she shook her head, forcing the images from her mind.

“What happened when you were five?” Solas still wouldn’t meet her eyes, but he was slowly angling his body towards her, as if he wanted to move in closer.

“It doesn’t matter.” Ghilani shook her head. “Everything was different after that. And that never changed. It’s why I was so eager to leave, even against the Keeper’s wishes. And it’s why I loved that statue, why I loved that wolf… you, so much. He was just like me. And so he became the closest thing I had to a family. Is that really so hard to believe?”

“I suppose not.” He said, still looking away. He still wouldn’t look her in the eyes, staring down at his hands instead.

“Solas…” she whispered, “look at me.”

She reached out to grab his hand, and he finally did turn towards her. The look on his face startled her. His eyes were wide open. He looked so frightened, as if he could start crying at any moment. Seeing him like that made her body react on pure instinct, leaning forward to put her arms around him. She felt the sheets sliding down, but she didn’t care. All that mattered was comforting him. This was a side of him she had never seen before, never thought she ever would. She had seen his strength, his compassion, his love. Even his anger at times. But never his weakness. Through all their journeys she had always relied on his strength and focus to keep her going. Seeing him like this, it was breaking her heart. It was her time now, to be strong for him.

“Solas… _ma vhenan_.” She whispered softly, as he buried his face in her hair, his whole body trembling as she pulled him in tighter, “it’s okay. You don’t have to hide anymore, I’m here. I’m always here.”

They sat like that for what felt like hours, clinging tightly at each other, both of them reluctant to let go. Softly she moved one hand to stroke his bare head.

 

 

“Why did you leave me?” she could hardly get the words out, but she couldn’t stop herself from asking. She couldn’t even tell which time she meant.

He didn’t answer for a long time, and Ghilani was about to say something else, anything, to change the subject, but then he started talking. Slowly, like he was considering each word carefully.

“It is… hard for me. To let anyone so close. I have lived for _so_ long, and so much of that time was spent sleeping. Even after I rose I spent most of my time exploring the Fade. Sometimes it gets hard to discern one thing from the other. To know which part is real.” He shook his head slightly, “no… they are all real. But sometimes it is hard to keep up. I found it was easier if I stayed in the background. Kept a certain distance to people around me. It used to be fairly easy.” He sighed, “but then I met you. And the walls I had buildt started cracking around me.”

Ghilani felt the tears running down her cheeks, but could not make herself take her arms away from him to wipe them away.

_“Ir abelas, vhenan.”_ He trembled, “forgive me. I was afraid…”

She pulled him even closer, feeling his whole body shake as she kissed him on the top of his head.

“There’s nothing to forgive, Solas. You came back.”

Slowly he pulled away from her, just far enough to be able to look her in the eyes.

“But how can you forgive me, knowing who I am,” he swallowed, “knowing what I have done.”

She smiled gently, cupping his face in her hand, letting one finger stroke his cheek.

“How could I not.” She leaned in for a soft kiss before continuing, “I’ve always loved you, _ma sa’lath_. You’ve done nothing to change that.”

 He just shook his head silently, leaning back towards her, burying his face in her hair again.

 

 

“Why did you come back?” she whispered, breaking the long silence. “What made this time different?”

“What do you mean?”

“Last time… you didn’t.”

“I see.” He frowned. “I am not sure myself. I was wandering, trying to solve… a problem. Trying to correct past mistakes. I left because I was frightened, but still I travelled with great determination. And yet everytime I lost focus I found my direction had inadvertently altered itself to push me in your direction. You were constantly lingering in the edges of my dreams, always too far too touch, but close enough that I could discern your face. No matter how much I tried to distance myself, you were always hovering in the background. Your voice always whispering in my head when I silenced my own.”

“You missed me?” her voice was barely even a whisper.

“Of course I did.” His arms tightened around her. “But it was more than that. I had no intention of coming back…”

His words made her whole body tense. Of course not. Of course he wouldn’t. Of course he…

“Ghilani…” his voice stopped her racing thoughts. “I never intended to. Yet I _am_ here.”

“Why?” Did she even want to know? It was probably just the orb… she knew that he had wanted it, and he would need the Inquisition to get it back.

“ _Vhenan_ …” he whispered, once again burying his face in her hair, “I never _wanted_ to leave you behind in the first place.”

“And yet you keep doing it.” Ghilani shook her head. She already knew how this would end. She could not allow herself to believe… she had to keep her feelings at bay… but everytime she looked at him, everytime she felt him move against her arms, a tiny bit more of her determination faded away. She could hear how his breath caught in his throat, but forced herself to ignore it. She had to keep up her guard.

“I do not know what the future holds, _ma’arlath_ ,” he whispered, his lips brushing against her neck. “But I am here now. I can’t seem to stay away. _Ir abelas, vhenan_ , but that is all I can give you for the time being.”

“Okay.” She whispered back. _It’s enough. He’s here._

She eased out of bed and pulled him up to his feet, her back aching from sitting so awkwardly. Without hesitation he reached out to put his arms around her again, leaning his forehead against hers as the rest of the sheets fell from her body.

“Are you truly sure you want this?” he said, his face only inches from hers, his hands gently stroking her back. “Even with you knowing the truth, knowing who I am, it could still lead to trouble.”

“I thought you would have noticed by now,” she smiled, “Trouble is my speciality. I’m sort of an expert.”

“Indeed, you are…” he smiled back, for the first time since he returned, before he composed himself again, as he always did. “You are truly not afraid of me? After all the stories the Dalish tell about Fen…”

“Solas,” she placed a finger on his lips to stop him, “if there is anything that I have learned from knowing you, it’s that the Dalish don’t know half of what they think they know. That the stories they share are just that. Stories. I no longer put my faith in them.”

“ _Ma vhenan_ ,” a light switched on in his eyes, as his lips moved softly against her finger “I do not deserve you.”

She moved her hand to trace the shape of his jaw, as she stepped closer into his warm embrace.

“Now, that would be for me to judge, wouldn’t it?”

Keeping one hand tightly against the small of her back, he swiftly moved the other to tilt her head upwards as he leaned in for a kiss. Crushing his lips against hers with a passion that bordered on desperation. And this time, for the first time, he did not pull away, but rather took the kiss deeper. A soft moan escaped from Ghilani’s throat as she pressed towards him, matching his passion. She felt his hand gently playing with the loose strands of her hair, the other stroking further down to grab her bare bottom as he drew her even tighter against his body. Without interrupting the kiss she turned them around and started backing towards the bed, slowly slipping her hand underneath his tunic to stroke the bare skin of his back. He froze for a second, pulling back just enough to be able to look at her.

“Ghilani,” his voice was rough, barely more that a whisper, “are you sure you…”

“Hush, vhenan.” She let her lips rain soft kisses down his neck, stopping to bite gently at the skin beneath his jaw.

She grinned against his neck as he growled, and pushed her up against the wall. His lips were on hers again, with a hunger that startled her. She had never seen him like this before, so… carefree. This close he somehow smelled like a forest. It felt like coming home. Abandoning all caution she threw herself into the kiss, moving her tongue against his, being pleased when she felt his knee press against her thighs, separating her legs. Without breaking the kiss she pushed him just far enough that she could start pulling at his tunic, dragging it as far up as she could without letting him go. It only took him seconds to finish the job for her, grinning wildly as he came back for more. Again she marvelled at how tall and muscled he was for an elf. With a michievous grin she brushed her lips against the side of his neck, letting her teeth graze slightly against his skin, before leaning up to whisper into his ear.

“May the Dread Wolf take me.”

His laughter was all the encouragement she needed. She grinned, pushing herself away from the wall and dragging him towards the bed.

“ _Ma nuvenin, vhenan_.”

He lifted her up and all but threw her down on the bed. She hardly even hit the sheets before he was on top of her. Kissing her again, before he suddenly pulled back with a curious expression.

“Do you always sleep naked?” he chuckled as he looked down at her body. “It’s quite cold up here in this tower of yours.”

“No,” she shook her head, smiling, “I spilled tea on my nightgown, so I took it off.”

“Ah,” he mumbled, as he bent down to kiss her stomach. “I like tea.”

“No, you don’t.” Ghilani frowned at him.

“Right now I do.”

She smiled, shivering as his lips started moving further down her body.

 

 

“It was you, wasn’t it?” she whispered into the darkness. She was lying close next to him, with her head resting on his chest. Her hand tracing slow circles on his hip. They had been silent for a long time, both hovering on the edge of sleep. She could tell by his breathing that he was awake, however, and the question had teased her for so long.

“What do you mean?” his hand gently stroked her hair, carefully twirling strands around his fingers.

“After Haven, as I escaped from Corypheus. I almost died on that mountainside. There was too much snow, and I couldn’t see where I was going.” She closed her eyes, recalling the heavy feeling of her body slipping away. “I was just about to give up… when a wolf appeared. It started pushing at me, leaning its warm body against me to make me stand back up. When I didn’t, it bit into my shoulder… I think it dragged me the rest of the way, to where the Inquisition scouts found me, I don’t really remember. I was barely concious.”

“You were rather delusional when they brought you down. Are you sure you didn’t imagine it all?”

“I thought that might be the case too,” she smiled, “until I saw the bitemarks on my shoulder.”

He was silent for a long time, casually running his fingers through her hair.

“I couldn’t let you die.” He finally murmured, “Not so soon, not like that. The thought of you dying out there, all alone…”

Ghilani raised her head and moved around to lie next to him. Stroking his chest with her hand, waiting for him to continue.

“I knew you would struggle. The weather made it hard enough for us, even with our numbers and mounts, and Varric told me how tough that final battle had been. I knew you were probably injured, and the weather was only getting worse.” He hesitated, staring up at the canopy over her bed for what seemed like an eternity. “So I snuck away from the others when nobody was looking. As soon as I was alone I… changed. I was hoping I might only need to guide you in the right direction, but by the time I found you it was almost too late. I almost gave up myself. But then you said my name, said _ma vhenan_ ,” he sighed, and turned over to lie on his side so that he could look at her, “I knew then that I could not let you go. I was terrified that I might hurt you, but there was no way you could walk yourself. So I started dragging you. I left you where I knew the others would be coming to look, and went back to the camp, praying that it wouldn’t be too late.”

“Who did the mighty trickster god himself pray to, I wonder.” Ghilani smiled, leaning into his chest.

“No one in particular, I just kept thinking _not her, not like this_. Over and over again, hoping someone would hear me.”

“Maybe someone did.” She smiled. “But the way I saw it… I had already been saved by divine intervention. My childhood prayers had been heard.”

“I’m not really a god, you know.” Solas smiled back at her. “At least not in the way people usually define the concept.”

“You are to me.” She reached up to run a finger along his full lips. “You are a god. My god. The only one I’ve ever had.”

“Ghilani…”

“Don’t you know by now, Solas?” she whispered. “You will always be the god that comforted me as a child. You were my friend. You _are_ my friend. My lover. My wolf. My saviour.” She kissed him softly. “My _Dear Wolf._ You are, and you always will be, everything to me.”

His eyes as he stared back at her made what little was left of her resistance fall apart. This was _Solas._ Whatever came of this, she would walk into it willingly. If he decided to leave her again, then so be it. He was her wolf, she would stay with him to whatever end.

_“Ar lath ma vhenan.”_ the words he whispered only added to her newfound determination. She would stay with him. Even if he did not.

They finally fell asleep, clinging to each other as if nothing had ever seperated them.


	12. To Adamant

“And you forgave him? Just like that?” The Iron Bull coughed into his drink. “I don’t know, boss. I think you might be too forgiving for your own good.”

The old gang had gathered in the tavern, having a last blowout before they would start preparing to leave again. They were still waiting for Hawke and Stroud to return with news of the goings on at Adamant, so for now they were free to relax. That didn’t happen a lot, so they intended to make the most of the opportunity.

“It’s not that simple…” Ghilani muttered, already feeling the effect of the drinks she had consumed so far.

“He does have a point, my dear.” Dorian smiled at her from across the table. “You do have a sad tendency to let people get away with walking all over you.”

“I do not!” she glared back. He just started laughing.

“Oh really? Did you not allow your Keeper to force you into apprenticeship against your will? Or let Cassandra put you at the front of all this without ever really giving you a chance to back away?”

“That was different…”

“Keep telling yourself that, Foxie.”

“It’s the truth, and you all know it! What was I supposed to do, let the world just fall apart around me, just because I wanted to be left alone?”

“Okay, I’ll give you that one.” Varric raised his hands with a grin. “But how about that time in Denerim, when we…”

“VARRIC!” Ghilani narrowed her eyes as she stared at him. “Do NOT go there. You promised.”

“Fine, fine. Relax, Foxie. I won’t tell them..”

“Oh, come ON!” Sera glared, “You can’t say shite like that and then just back off!”

“Sadly, Buttercup, I take my promises very seriously.”

“Argh, pissface!” Sera emptyied her mug, and stood up to leave. “Enjoy your little secrets then, _mopey_. I’m out.”

Ghilani shook her head, smiling, as Sera climbed the stairs.

“Honestly, though.” Varric started, “are you sure you’re not just setting yourself up for more heartache?”

“Maybe I am.” She nodded, frowning. “But as that heartache is unavoidable anyway, I might as well get to enjoy the good parts too.”

 

Ghilani stumbled back through the main hall alone, just drunk enough to find walking in a straight line hard. She almost tripped over one of the stupid orlesian rugs. Thankfully the hall was empty. She didn’t want to think about the lecture Josephine would have given her if any of the nobles had seen her like this. But right now she didn’t care. The others had finally let it go, changing the subject to something less frustrating to keep her from storming out on them, but now that she was alone… she knew that they had a good point. She was stronger than most in a fight, but when it came to interacting with other people… she had always struggled with saying no. And she did forgive people for practically anything. With him it was even worse. She hated how weak she was when it came to him. Even after all the times he had left her and broken heart heart into pieces, she would still forgive him anything. She would always give him another chance. No matter how many times she had to go through this.  _Fenedhis,_ she was even more stubborn than he was. But how could she not forgive him? If doing so meant that he could come back to her?

She smiled a bit to herself as she climbed the three steps next to the throne, remembering the last time she had been stumbling through this hall drunk. How she had been too wasted to even make it up the stairs on her own. If he hadn’t shown up when he did she’d probably have ended up sleeping halfway up to her room. She had half hoped that he would have shown up this time as well. She had even peeked into the rotunda to see if he was there. Probably off on some business of his, or up in the library or something. She sighed as she closed the door behind her. It was probably just as well. They were expecting Hawke and Stroud to return tomorrow, which would mean that she’d be called in for a war council to prepare. Cullen probably had some stuff to go over with her as well. She had already walked them through everything that happened the last time, but there were so many uncertainties this time. They could be walking into a completely different fight. It could be ten times worse.

She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the worries. Those choices could be made later. There was nothing she could do about anything right at this moment. She should just…

“Solas?” she tripped over the last step in surprise, but managed to stay on her feet by some strange and certainly not graceful means. “What are you doing here?”

He was lounging on the far side of her bed, with a book opened up in front of him.

“I came here looking for you.” He smiled, “I thought I’d wait for a while in case you came back, and then I got distracted.” He gestured to the book.

“Ah.” Ghilani smiled at him, walking carefully through the room to make sure she didn’t trip over anything else. “And was there anything you wanted from me?”

He smiled as he got up from the bed, tossing the book aside.

“At the moment I seem to have forgotten.” He grinned as she practically stumbled into his arms. “Have my dear Inquisitor been out drinking again?”

“I might.” Ghilani giggled. “Just a tiny bit. It was fun. You should joins us some time. Or is that not something my dear Frowny Face would do?”

She leaned in to kiss him before he could answer, stroking her hands up his chest.

“Frowny Face?” he pulled away from her, laughing. “Really?”

“Would you prefer Grumpy?” she teased. “Or… what about Wolfy? Ohh, I like Wolfy.”

“Wolfy?” he snickered, pulling her in again.

“Or Your Wolfness, perhaps.” She bit her lip, thinking it over. “How about Lord Wolfgod? Your Godhood?”

He shook his head, exasperated. “You get quite weird when you’re drunk, you know.”

“It may come as a surprise, but you’re actually not the first person to tell me that.”

She leaned forward to kiss him again, moving one hand from his chest to stroke gently along his jaw. He quickly responded, and pulled her tight towards him to return the kiss.

“You taste like wine.” He whispered after a while, “I like it.”

“Do you want some? I think I have a bottle around here somewhere.”

“How about we save that bottle for later?” he smiled, steadying her again as she started swaying. “I think you might have had enough.”

“Enough wine, perhaps.” She agreed with a coy smile, and slowly slipped her hands underneath his tunic, dragging her fingernails sofly up along his sides. “But there can never be enough of this.”

She kissed him again, and sighed happily as he started pulling at the buttons of her shirt.

“Will you stay with me tonight? Like you did the last time I was like this?” she asked him, as he took a few steps back.

His eyes narrowed as he saw the look on her face.

“I can make no promises about the whole not-seducing-you thing tonight, however.”

“We shall have to see about that,” he said, the playful smile returning to his face. “You might not get the chance, however.”

“And why is that?” she bit her lip again as she waited.

“You see, _vhenan._ ” He whispered, slowly pulling her back in. “I might seduce you first.”

His lips were back on hers before she even managed to reply, his hands already back to fumbling with the buttons on her shirt. She could feel her heart racing as she pulled up his tunic just enough to get her hands on his chest again. She was pleased when he made a slight growl as she let her nails scratch gently anong his muscles. As he finished with her buttons and pulled the shirt off her she started to back him towards the bed. She didn’t wait for him to lie down, but instead placed one knee at each side of him to sit down on his lap, tugging gently at his tunic to get it off. She could feel him smiling against her lips after tossing it to the floor.

This was yet another side of him she had never had any chance to see before. He was so… _relaxed_. So happy. Playful. As if he had finally begun tearing down that wall of his. Or perhaps he was just letting her in to the other side of it. Whatever it was, it filled her with an intense wave of delight. If she could only find a way to keep him like this, a way for him to be this relaxed even when other people were around. Her train of thought were interrupted as he twisted them both around, making her end up on her back beneath him. The look in his eyes as pressed her down into the mattress sent shivers down her spine. He was always so careful, so restrained. Now he was the one taking control, one hand keeping a solid grip on both her wrists to lock her in place, while the other drifted aimlessly against her skin, his lips moving passionately against hers. After several achingly intense minutes, he pulled back to look down on her with a mischievous grin.

“You know that ‘indomitable’ focus we were discussing earlier?”

“Yes, Solas?” Ghilani grinned, suddenly catching on. “Are you planning on dominating me, _ma’arlath_?”

His eyes answered her question perfectly. _“Isalan dera na aron tuelan”_

His words all but drowned as lips came down to meet hers again, she almost didn’t catch them. The phrase was not something she had heard before, but the words were familiar. It took her a moment, especially with him distracting her, to remember what they meant.

“Oh, really?” she broke free from his grasp to look at him. “I seem to recall you saying that you weren’t really a god.”

“Perhaps,” he pulled her back in gently, with a playful smile as he let his lips brush softly against her ear, whispering words that made her blush, “but I can still _take you_ like one.”

 

 

“Remember why you came here yet?” she teased him as they were snuggling up against each other.

“Yes, actually. I wondered if you had decided who you were going to bring with you when you leave for Adamant.” He hesitated. “I want to go with you. With everything you have told me of that journey… to physically enter the fade. I would be most interested to do so.”

“Oh yes, I know.” She smiled. “I remember how enthusiastic you were the last time.”

“So will you do it? Take me with you, that is.” He squeezed her hand. “Truly, it would be a…”

“A dream come true?” she giggled.

“Yes, quite literally. But that is not the only reason I wish to go.” he gazed into her eyes. “I worry about you. We have no way of knowing what we will face. The thought of not knowing whether or not you were okay… the very idea of it terrifies me. Will you take me with you, then?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t dream of going there without you.” She kissed him on the nose. “What ever would I do without my trusty wolf?”

“That is an excellent question, _ma vhenan_.”

“Also…” Ghilani sat up against the headboard, looking down at him with concern. “this is bound to be a difficult fight. Anything could happen there. We have no way of knowing what to expect. I’m going to need all the support I can get. I need my best people with me. And you happen to be one of them.”

“Who did you bring last time?” he looked up at her.

“You, Bull and Cole.” She bit down on her lip and closed her eyes again. “But I’m definately not taking Cole with me this time. Not when we risk having to go into the fade again.”

“He reacted badly to it, then? One would think it would feel like coming home.” Solas mused.

“Perhaps… but being there physically is a lot different. Even I found it unsettling. And the nightmare demon kept talking to us, sharing our deepest secrets, preying on our darkest fears. Poor Cole… the demon kept saying that the two of them were just the same. That the demon stealing my memories at Haven was exactly the same as when Cole makes people forget him. He was panicking, he was falling apart.” Ghilani opened her eyes again. “We managed to calm him down, at least a little. And you kept reassuring him the whole time we were there. It turned out well enough, but he was so freaked out… when we returned to Skyhold he actually asked you to bind him with blood magic, to stop him from becoming like the demon. I’m not going to put him through that again.”

“So Varric, then. I hardly think that Sera would handle it any better.”

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking as well. So it will be you and me, plus Varric and Bull. The others, those who aren’t on other missions, will charge with Cullen and his men.”

“Good.” Solas nodded, smiling as he pulled her back down. “And now that we have that settled…”

 

 

……………………

 

 

It had finally stopped raining, giving them a welcome break from the non-stop shower they had been met with as they passed through the Dales. The four of them were huddled around the fire, enjoying the warm sensation as their clothes slowly started to dry. They were camped by the southern point of Lake Celestine after spending a few days tying up some loose ends in the Exalted Plains. Tomorrow they would meet up with the army that had gathered near Val Firmin to march for Adamant.

They were on their third bottle of wine, and Varric had just finished telling yet another story of his adventures in Kirkwall. In the beginning Cassandra was sending him dark looks whenever he mentioned the Champion’s name, but by now even she had mellowed down, even laughing at some of his jokes.

“What about you, Ghilani?” Solas asked, smiling softly down at her as she leaned into his shoulder. She could easily see Cassandra’s strange expression from across the fire. The Seeker was still sceptical of their blooming relationship.

“What about me?” she smiled back, angling her head to look up at him.

“You are a Dreamer. Surely you have some interesting stories of your own.”

“What is a Dreamer?” Cassandra interrupted.

“A dreamer,” Solas explained, “Is a mage who has the power to enter the Fade at will, without having to use lyrium or blood magic to do so. The strongest of them also have the power to shape dreams, even the dreams of others. They are rare. As they have such a connection to the Fade, many fall prey to temptation and possesion. Few survive without having some guidance. A Dreamer in a circle would be able to find a mentor, if such a one is at hand. It is rare for anyone to manage controlling their powers on their own.”

“But obviously Foxie here has managed well enough.” Varric said, and raised his cup towards Ghilani.

“Indeed.” Solas nodded. “I have told many stories about my own travels in the Fade. It would be fascinating to hear about someone else’s experiences.”

“Well,” Ghilani thought about it. “I don’t know where to begin.”

“Tell us about the spirits that you have encountered. You must remember some of them.”

“There was a wisp that used to follow me around in my dreams when I was little. It was just this little pink ball of light, barely larger than my fist. I used to call it Shiny. We would go on adventures together. The wisp would find me almost the moment I entered the fade, and it would take me to all these wonderful places. It would flutter in the air ahead of me, always waiting for me to make the first move. As soon as I started walking it would guide me down pathways and valleys to show me things I never could have dreamt up by myself.”

“Fascinating…” Solas stared at her, his eyes wide. “Do you remember any particular incident?”

“Of course. There are many.” Ghilani nodded, and took a few moments to think, “I still remember the first time I dreamt like that. I was five or six, I think. At first I thought it was just a normal dream, but then I found that I could control it. I started walking around, I was in a garden of some sort. I met a spirit. I’m not sure what kind, I didn’t know anything about spirits then. She followed me around the garden for a while, asking me all sorts of questions about my life. Probably trying to trick me into letting her possess me.” Ghilani frowned, and lifted her glass to take another sip of the wine.

“What happened then?” Cassandra leaned forward, looking eager.

“I started making up a song about her.” She had to laugh at the incredulous looks on their faces.

“You… made up a song about the spirit trying to possess you?” Varric stared at her, shaking his head.

“Yeah. I used to love singing. I even got her to sing it with me, before I decided it was time to wake up. None of the others in the clan believed me when I told them, they thought I was just making it up for attention.”

“You… got the spirit to sing with you…” Solas stared at her with great fascination. The other two were even more awe-struck.

“Yup.” Ghilani grinned. “I’m kind of sorry I don’t remember the song. I seem to remember it was quite catchy.”

 

 

 

By the time they had joined the Inquisition forces outside Val Firmin it was already close to mid-day. Cassandra strode off as soon as they reached the camp. She would be leading the army alongside Cullen, while Ghilani and the others went after Erimond and Clarel.

“Hey, boss!” Iron Bull came out of a tent a bit further into the camp, followed by a peeved looking Dorian.

“Bull!” she cheerfully replied, flashing Dorian a knowing smile. He perked up enough to give her a tiny wink.

“So what’s the plan? How do you want to do this?”

“We hold back until the main gate goes down. Then we charge. The four of us go in first, while the soldiers follow to guard our backs and secure each part of the fortress as we claim it. We’re going to have to head up to the battlements, to clear out the resistance there so that the men the ladders can get up.” Ghilani looked at Solas, fighting back her own fear. What if they failed this time? What if something happened to _him_? “After that we go after Warden-Commander Clarel and Erimond.”

“And that’s when we go into the fade?” Iron Bull shook his head, as if to shake the thought of that out.

“That’s what happened the last time. But that doesn’t mean that it have to happen this time as well. Things are different now. But...” she had thought a lot about this. “But I think we might have to. We can’t let the nightmare demon survive this. If we do, Corypheus will just find some other way of releasing it. We can’t take that chance. There is too much at risk.”

 

 

It was dark when they finally saw the Adamant Fortress in front of them. From a distance it almost looked peaceful. One could almost believe that nothing was happening there at all. Almost. But as they came closer thety could see the figures moving around on the battlements. Wardens and demons readying themselves for the great fight. Ghilani closed her eyes as the siege began.

_Please, please get us through this alive._


	13. The Fade

She knew something had gone wrong the second she found herself in the fade. The battle so far had been almost exactly the same as the last time, save for the increased number of demons and possessed wardens. Erimond had clearly known that they were coming, though it didn’t seem like the wardens did. Which didn’t really come as a surprise. To tell them that he knew what would happen would involve telling them that this had happened before. The wardens would have never agreed to help him if they knew what was really going on. Clarel had proved that the last time. Sieging Adamant was harder than it had been before, but they had managed. They had survived the battle… At the end they had defeated Erimond. And then the archdemon, or whatever it was, launched itself at them. They fell, and just like the last time Ghilani managed to open a rift for them to enter the fade. But this was all wrong…

She was all alone. There were no sign of any of her companions. Last time they had arrived together. Last time Solas had been there to guide her the whole way through. Even the place around her was different, like it was an entirely different part of the Fade. Trying to suppress her steadily growing panic, she started walking in a random direction, hoping to find any of the others around the next corner. But as she turned it, she found herself standing on top of a hill, staring out on an area that seemed to go on forever. There was not a single mortal being in sight, only hundreds and hundreds of demons. Were these the rest of those Corypheus had planned to bolster his army with? Or had he simply aranged it so that she would end up in the worst possible area of the fade?

“Crap…” she took a few steps back.

This was bad. She might be strong, but could she really fight all of those on her own? And what about the nightmare? They had barely survived it the last time, and even then they had to sacrifice one of their own to escape. Ghilani had promised herself that that would not happen this time… But where were the others? Had they managed to avoid entering the fade with her? In that case… She had seen them fall. If they weren’t here, had they fallen to their deaths, all of them?

“Solas…” she whispered, falling to her knees. _“Vhenan…_ where are you?”

_Get up. You need to keep moving._ She had to get away from this place. If she kept moving… the others had to be around here somewhere. She refused to believe that the they were dead. They were right behind her when she fell. They couldn’t have missed the rift. They just couldn’t. If only Solas were here…   _“The fade is shaped by intent and focus.”_ She could almost hear his voice, the words he had comforted them with the last time. “ _Remain focused, and it will lead you where you wish to go.”_   Right. Focus. It should be easy, right? Right? She bit down on her lip again as she got to her feet.

 

_“Welcome, Inquisitor. Corypheus told you would be coming to see me.”_

Ah, and there it was. The voice of the nightmare.

_“How does it feel, to be all alone? How will you fare, I wonder, without the strenght of those who follow you?”_

 

 

She wrapped her arms around herself, bit even harder into her lower lip, and started moving away from the cliff. There had to be a way down there. Maybe she could sneak past the demons somehow. The color of everything around her made her feel nauseous. Green had always been her favorite color, but not like this. This wasn’t the color of the trees, the grass, the moss that grew on the ground around her statue. The color of the forest mirrored in her eyes. This was sickly, it was all wrong. This must be what Cole had felt like last time, why he freaked out the way he had. _“Wrong, wrong, wrong. I can’t be here, not like this.”._ She kept walking. The path she found led her away from the horde of demons she had seen from the hill, but there were still no sign of her friends. If something had happened to them…

She had been walking for hours, but she never got anywhere. Every time she turned a corner there was just more green, more ugly green rocks and ugly green walls and ugly green…

“Inquisitor.” Ghilani had never been so relieved to hear another voice in her life.

“Divine Justinia!” she almost threw herself around the other woman’s neck. “Please, tell me what’s going on here! This is all wrong.”

“You are trapped here by a demon of nightmares.”

“Yes, yes, I know. I have to fight the demons to get my memories back, I remember.” She babbled, hardly getting the words out fast enough. “But where are the others, where are my friends?”

“Your companions are trapped in nightmares of their own.” The spirit of the Divine did not seem fazed by her questions. Maybe she was able to read Ghilani’s thoughts. She had suspected as much the last time as well.

“I have to get them out…” the thought of the others being trapped almost took her breath away. “How can I get to them?”.

"As you entered the fade at Haven, the demon took a part of you. Before you do anything else, you must recover what it stole from you.”

“But what about the others?” Ghilani frowned. “How do they get out?”

“As you close the rift behind you, they should return to you as well.”

_“Should?”_ she shook her head violently, glaring at the Divine. “No. Not good enough. There is no way I’m leaving here without my friends.”

“You must not…”

_“They’re my friends!”_ Ghilani interrupted. “I’m not going anywhere until I know for sure that they are safe. I appreciate that you’re trying to help me. Just tell me how I can get to them.”

The Divine looked her sadly, sighing as she closed her eyes.

“I will search for them. But while I do you must keep moving. You must find a way to the rift. It is the only way out of this nightmare.”

Ghilani nodded as the Divine disappeared. She was right. The demons would find her if she stayed in one placed. She preferred finding them first.

 

_“You are weak, Pretender. Without the help of those you surround yourself with, you are nothing.”_

“Keep talking, Smiley.” She muttered, remembering Varric’s nickname from the last time they were here.

_“Solas will die. Just like your family died. Just like your clan. Just like your old Inquisition. You will fail, and the world will fall around you.”_

 

She fought her way through endless waves of demons, trying to keep moving forward. She could see the bright green light in the distance, but she never seemed to be getting any closer. The thought of the others being trapped made it even worse. Were they aware of the fact that they were dreaming, or was it all real to them? What if she couldn’t get to them? There was no way she would leave anyone behind in this place. Not _again_. Not this time. No matter what happened, she would not allow anyone to sacrifice themself for her this time. If they were trapped here, if they could not make it out, then neither would she. The guilt of leaving Stroud behind had never really stopped haunting her. Had the nightmare demon killed him, or had he survived the fight, being forced to live out his life alone in a nightmare? She should never have made that choice. If she and Hawke had stayed behind with him, they could have defeated the nightmare together. He could have survived. And the thought of that broke her heart. So never again. She was the one who sent them all into this place. If anyone should die here, it should have been her.

 

 

She had just escaped another hoard of demons when the Divine returned to her.

“Your friends are each trapped in their deepest fear. The islands off the coast of this place. That is where you will find them. But the water will not let you pass. Touch it, and you will surely drown.”

“Then I need a boat.” Ghilani mumbled. “There was one close to the graveyard.”

“You can not proceed without recovering what he stole.” The Divine repeated.

“I already have.” She sighed, “I’ve been though here before. I know what happened in the fade at Haven. And I am… _sorry,_ Justinia. I truly am.”

“Then you are ready to advance.” The Divine just nodded, ignoring the pain in Ghilani’s voice. “The nightmare expects you to follow me. I will attempt to distract it as you commence. Good luck, Inquisitor.”

 

_“Remain focused, and it will lead you where you want to go.”_   Solas's voice echoed through her mind as Ghilani finally saw the boat she had remembered. She was just about to climb into it as the sight of the graveyard near it caught her attention. Their tombstones. They had listed their greatest fear. If they were all trapped in their own nightmares, perhaps it would be a good idea to prepare herself for whatever it was she would face? She wrapped her arms around herself as she moved among the stones, trying to avoid the ones she wouldn’t need. It was impossible. Ghilani shivered as she observed each of their horrors. _Cassandra - helplessness._ Of course. Something every warrior would fear. _Blackwall - Himself._ The secret he carried inside him. She remembered. _Dorian - Temptation._ She walked among the graves, already knowing what the one she searched for would say. _Solas - Dying alone._

“You don’t have to…” she whispered to herself. “Not anymore.”

_Iron Bull - Madness._   “We’re all mad here.” Ghilani smiled, as she approached Varric’s stone, the last she needed before she could come for them. _Varric - Became his parents._ Right. She turned to walk away when one of the larger stones caught her eye. The one with her name on it. The words on it made her freeze. They had changed since the last time she were here. Back then, the letters beneath her name had spelt _Failure._ And it had been true. After all she had lived through in her past, what she had feared most was to fail. That the world would fall, that everyone would perish… because _she_ had failed to save them. Because _she_ had not been good enough. For several precious moments she stood there, staring at the single word etched into the rock. It was not the one she remembered. Tears were welling up in her eyes as she finally broke away from the graveyard, the word ringing loudly in her mind as her feet moved her away. A word that made her entire body tremble. _Loss._

She pushed away from the shore with her leg as she climbed into the boat. From here she would have to rely on her own willpower. _“The fade is shaped by intent and focus.”_   She closed her eyes and concentrated, finally feeling the boat move forward.

She stepped out of the boat into a narrow alley. Looking around she discovered that she was underground, in some sort of city. Smiling to herself, she took it all in. She had never seen anything like this, but Dagna had described this place in great detail. _Orzammar_. After looking around for a few moments, she walked towards the closest building and opened the door. She was in some sort of office. Shelves covered every wall, and in the middle of the room was a giant desk, littered with documents full of numbers and diagrams. And behind it, Varric. Looking more solemn and dreary than she had ever seen him.

“Varric?” she uttered, biting her lip. He looked up and frowned.

“I know you.” He finally said, eyes narrowed. “But you shouldn’t be… here.”

“Neither should you, Varric. You don’t belong here any more than I do.” She shook her head, walking towards him. “This isn’t you.”

“What do you mean? I work here, this is what I do.” He shrugged. “Head of house Tethras, master of endless paperwork.”

“But it shouldn’t be, it doesn’t have to. You’re a writer, Varric.” Ghilani leaned forward putting her hands on his desk to look him in the eye. “You belong on the surface, living in Kirkwall.”

“Hah” he snorted. “I gave up writing years ago. It was just a silly dream.”

“But it isn’t! You’ve written so many books, you’re a famous author! That is your calling, Varric. That is your life. This here,” she gestured to the papers in front of her, “this is just your nightmare. And you know that, don’t you?”

He just stared at her, frowning. It looked like he was about to say something as a sound behind her made Ghilani turn around. Bartrand had just entered the room.

“Oh,” Varric said, sounding more tired and resignated than she had ever heard before. “This is my brother Bartrand.”

“Yes, I know.” Ghilani groaned. Remembering all too clearly how he had left his own brother to die in the deep roads.

Bartrand looked confused, opening his mouth to say something, but Ghilani stopped him before he had the chance, turning back to Varric. She didn’t have time for this. For every second she spent here the other two were trapped in _their_ nightmares. Every second she spent on this was another second Solas would be all alone, dying.

“Remember the red lyrium. Remember Kirkwall, the qunari. The venture into the deep roads. Blondie blowing up the Chantry.” Varric still looked confused. “Think about it, Varric. Really think. Focus on what happened before this. Remember _Hawke._ Remember the Inquisition, the assault on Adamant. We are in the fade, Varric. And you need to _wake up!”_

He frowned again, pushing his chair away from the desk.

“Perhaps there is… something. I seem to remember, there was some sort of green light…” he closed his eyes for a moment, before he suddenly stood up, gasping. “Corypheus!”

Ghilani sighed in relief, was just about to reach over to him when he faded away. She frowned. What was that? Did this mean that he had woken up from his nightmare? Was that even possible? _Please, please let that be true._

 

She walked back to the boat that was somehow now conveniently parked just outside his door, and once again she pushed away from the shore, closing her eyes to focus on the next nightmare. She found The Iron Bull standing in the middle of an empty room, throwing his fist into thin air as if he was fighting an invisible enemy. Muttering something about flaming fog warriors.

“Bull!” Ghilani ran towards him, carefully stopping at a certain distance to avoid his frantic punches.

“Is that you, boss?” he roared, “watch out for their wings! They’ve got buckets!”

_“Fenedhis,”_ Ghilani muttered, _buckets?_   “It’s okay, Bull. There are no… buckets.”

“Can’t you see them? There are buckets everywhere! They’re huge!”

“Snap out of it, Bull! How could a bucket possibly hurt you? You’re an indestructible force of nature!” Ghilani frowned, frantically trying to think of something to calm him down.

“Drowning me,” Bull muttered his whole body shaking as he punched out on some invisible enemy. “Head in the ice cold water, turning the pages, changing my mind.” He continued muttering, but now in a language Ghilani didn’t understand.

Was he talking about the re-educaters? No wonder he was panicking, but at least that made her realise what she could do to help. They had broken him down to change him. She needed something to boost his confidence.

“Think of all the dragons we slayed, Bull!” she yelled, “Remember that sound they made just before they spat fire at us? Focus on that sound, Bull! Hear it. Remember how the warm air whirled around us when it spread its wings. Ignore the buckets, Bull. Focus all your thoughts on the dragons.”

That made him stop punching, but he still jumped around as if he was dodging something. Muttering something about icy cold water, and voices in his head.

“We are in the fade, Bull! It’s going to be okay, but you need to wake up!” she bit down on her lip again. “This is _madness_ , but you can leave it behind. Open your eyes Bull, really open your eyes, and I promise you that the madness, and all the… buckets… will go away.”

Ghilani held her breath as The Iron Bull stopped moving, and slowly opened his eyes. They just managed to make eyecontact before he faded away. _Please let that mean that they are waking up._ She tried her best not to think about the fact that she then might have to fight the nightmare demon on her own.

 

Solas was the last one she found. Perhaps because his nightmare was the one she dreaded most to see. If dying alone was his greatest fear… then she would be witnessing his death.

It took all the strength she had to step out of the boat this time. His island was a desert. Rocks and sand covered the land in every single direction she turned, the water she had crossed was already gone. Great dunes rose and fell as far as her eyes could see. But there were footsteps. A trail in the sand. She started following it, walking slowly at first, but breaking into a run as small traces of blood appeared in the sand around the tracks. It felt like forever, but finally she could see him, propped up against a large rock. Even from a distance she could see the huge wound in his stomach, and the red stains of blood all over his body.

“Solas!” she gasped, as she fell to the ground next to him, lifting his chin to make him look at her. “Fen’Harel, my wolf, I am here. You’re not alone.”

He looked so small. His eyes were empty, as if all the light had already gone out of him. She could see his chest rise and fall too fast, his breath shallow and uneven. His whole body was trembling, but it was the large pool of blood beneath him that truly scared her.

“Solas… what happened to you?”

“Ghilani…?” his voice was hardly even a whisper, she almost didn’t make out the words. “How can you be here?”

“How could I not, _vhenan?”_ she embraced him carefully, terrified that moving him would cause him pain. “I belong with you, _ma sa’lath._ Where you go, I will always follow.”

For what seemed like an eternity she held him, forcing herself to keep from sobbing, as she whispered calming words into his ear.

“I’ve made… so many mistakes.” He choked, tears mixing with the blood in his face, “It’s all my fault. I failed everyone.”

“You never failed me, _ma’arlath._ ” She whispered.

“I left you behind.”

“And I followed you. As I will always follow. For all you did, you are forgiven, _vhenan_. Everything you did, you did it for the People.” She whispered into his ear, softly kissing his cheek, tasting his tears on her lips as they combined with her own. “I know that. It’s okay.”

“I don’t deserve you…” he choked, his breath falting. “Your… forgiveness. You shouldn’t…” his voice faded away as his eyes closed.

“You can let go now, my love. Be free from all this pain.” She choked. “I will remain by your side until the very end. I _will_ follow you into the dark.”

She sat there quietly, softly kissing him on the forehead as she could feel him slipping away, feeling heavy tears fall from her eyes

“Goodbye, _ma vhenan. Ar lasa mala revas. Dareth shiral._ ”

Gone… he was gone.

 

“Ghilani?” Solas approached from behind her, eyes wide as he looked from her to his own dead body and back in disbelief. “How..?”

“Solas!” she got to her feet and threw herself into his arms.

“How did you get here?” he looked confused, and started looking around with a frown. “Where are we?”

“The nightmare demon trapped all of you in your own nightmares. You feared dying alone… so here we are.” Ghilani explained, pulling back to look at him. “And I came here to tell you that this will never, ever happen.”

“Ghilani…” he shook his head, tears welling up in his eyes as he continued. “You don’t understand. Even if we do stay together, there will eventually come a time when you will perish, as all mortals do. And I will remain the same. No matter what you do, I _will_ be alone again.”

“No, Solas. You might not have to. It’s been over five years since I first stole the anchor from Corypheus. Five impossibly long, hard years, and yet I haven’t aged a day. Everyone else looks like at least ten years as passed, yet _I_ remain the same. You said it yourself, the anchor is fused to my soul. When it marked me, I gained its power. _Your_ orb, Solas. _Your_ power. Part of that was transferred to me. You changed me, Solas. More than any of us realised at the time.” She smiled softly. “I might not be as mortal as you fear.”

She could see it, the exact moment the realization hit him.

“Even if you do leave me, know that I will be there for you the whole way through. Even if you leave, I will always be there beside you in the end. You’re not alone anymore, Fen’Harel… _ma vhenan_.” She whispered as he faded away in her arms. “I love you. Forever.”

She stood there after he was gone. Already plagued with the memory of him dying in her arms, a vision that would no doubt haunt her for the rest of her life. But it was more than that… Solas knew more about the fade than anyone she had ever known. He should have known that he was there. If this nightmare demon managed to fool even him… how strong was this thing? How could any of them stand a chance against it if it could trick even the trickster god himself?

 

 

The spirit of the Divine was waiting for her as she returned to the lair of the demon, and, to her great relief, all the others were standing beside her.

“How…” she whispered as she walked towards them, unable to stop herself from launching directly into Solas’s arms. “How did you find them?”

“Hawke and Stroud were lost, like you were.” The Divine explained. “I heard their call and sought them out while you were searching for your friends.”

“And the others?” she looked at Solas, unable to shake the sight of his dead body from her mind.

“They showed up by the graveyard, one by one as you woke them from their nightmares.”

Ghilani just nodded, closing her eyes in relief.

“Don’t be too happy there, Shiny,” Varric frowned, “We still have Smiley to worry about.”

 

_“Do you think you can fight me? I am the veiled hand of Corypheus himself. I am the…”_

“Shut up, demon! I’ve heard your speach before.” Ghilani yelled back. She couldn’t stand any more of it’s mocking. “ I beat you then, and I’ll gladly do it again.”

_“Did you think you saved them? As you woke them from their slumber? They were safer where you found them. Now I will give you the chance to watch him die again.”_

“…” Ghilani opened her mouth to answer, but nothing came out. He was right. Someone had died the last time, she hadn’t been able to save them all. What if Solas…?

Her thoughts were disrupted as she felt him come up beside her, grabbing her hand and squeezing it to reassure her.

“It will all be okay, _vhenan_.” He said softly, “we can do this. Together.”

 

 

“The rift! We’re almost there!” Hawke shouted, unable to hide her relief as they turned a corner and saw the green light.

“Damn it, Hawke! Do you want us to get killed?” Varric shook his head, just as the monster stepped into view.

Ghilani froze.The sight of the enormous demon didn’t scare her any less this time. It was enormous, with eyes in every direction. And in front of it, the smaller demon, the Aspect of the nightmare.

 

They charged together towards the demon.


	14. The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay, it's been a few rough days. Also, it's a bit shorter than the others. I just figured it was better to post it now, to avoid further delays. The next one is mostly finished, so the wait for that one won't be as long, I promise.

The nightmare demon felt bigger this time, though it was probably just her imagination. The travel through the fade to get to it had been so much longer than the first time, and infinately more taxing. Whenever she closed her eyes she could see Solas’s dead body in front of her. It was almost a relief that there were so many of the lesser fear demons, keeping her to occupied to think about anything else.

The battle felt almost impossible. No matter how many they killed, the smaller fears kept coming, each of them targeting their minds just as much as their bodies. Hawke had already fallen to her knees twice, muttering something about Fenris. Ghilani kept throwing barriers around the others as the demons targeted them, determined not to let anyone fall this time.

By the time they stuck down the Aspect of the nightmare, Varric was on his knees, shaking violently. Solas had taken over for Ghilani with the barriers, letting her focus all her powers at the demons.

“Bull!” Ghilani yelled as the Aspect fell, “Get Varric out of here, NOW!”

“What about the nightmare, boss? We still need to…”

“The rest of us will handle it. Varric can’t fight, and he’s too wounded to make it out on his own. We can’t protect him _and_ fight. Take him and leave. GO!”

She could see him lifting the dwarf off the ground as she turned her back on the rift, and readied herself for the massive nightmare demon that was coming towards them. Instinctively she positioned herself closer to Solas. If they were going to make it though this, she needed his strength to keep her going. And by standing so close they could put up barriers guarding both of them, saving them the effort of keeping up more than one at a time. It didn’t take long for her to remember why they had chosen to flee the last time.

They had just barely begun gaining the advantage when Stroud was knocked to the ground, overwhelmed by the blows the demon had dealt him. Ghilani met Solas’s dark look for a split second. They both knew how this would end. Perhaps they had known all along.

“Hawke!” Ghilani shouted, throwing fireballs at the demon to keep it’s attention off the wounded warden. “Get Stroud out. Solas and I will take it from here.”

“Inquisitor!” Hawke frowned at her, the pain in her eyes proof enough that she knew they were right.

“Just do it, Hawke! I’m not letting anyone die this time. Go!”

Ghilani let out a relieved sigh as the two humans disappeared through the rift, allowing herself a moment to look at Solas. She knew that she had done the right thing by sending the others away, but could the two of them really do this? What if one of them…?

“Ghilani!”

Solas’s voice brought her attention back, and she turned to face the demon. They had to do it. After all they had been through, she refused to lose him now.

Their shared talent for putting up guards and barriers were the only thing that kept them alive to the end of the fight. As the demon fell, so did they. Ghilani just managed to crawl over to where Solas lay before collapsing herself. _We made it. We’re alive._ She smiled over at him, lying there beside her, chest rising and falling way too fast as they tried to regain their strength. Even as every single part of her body was aching, she found herself being immensely happy. At least until she realised that the rift the others had escaped through no longer was there.

_“Fenedhis!”_ she pointed towards where it had been. “Solas… it’s gone!”

He sat up beside her with a frown.

“What do we do now?” she whispered when he didn’t say anything. “How do we get out?”

“It will be alright, _vhenan_.” His voice was warm and comforting, but did not match the look in his eyes. “We simply need to find another rift. Your mark should grant us safe passage through it, like it did when we arrived here.”

He got up to his feet, and reached out his hand to help her up. They walked side by side for a long time. They didn’t talk much, both too tired to do anything but find their way home. But there was something forming in the back of her mind, a thought that had only grown louder ever since she arrived in the fade.

“You said that…” her voice trailed off, as she stared down at her feet, biting down on her lip again as she continued walking.. She didn’t know how to finish that sentence, was too afraid of what his answer might be.

“Ghilani,” he reached out and gently lifted her face to make her look at him, forcing her to stop walking. “What was it that I said?”

“You said…” she sighed, forcing herself to continue. “When you broke up with me, before, you said… _‘in another world.’_. I didn’t understand then. But now… I keep thinking, maybe this _is_ that world. Maybe this time we can figure out a way to make this, _us_ , last. Solas, if I’m really going to live forever… I want to do it with you. Even if when we are physically apart from each other, I don’t want you to ever feel alone again.”

“Forever…” he whispered. “Do you truly believe that the anchor changed you that much?”

“I do. You asked me if the mark had changed me, and I said no. But I don’t think that was true, I just hadn’t realized it yet. Because it did change me, Solas. It’s like…” she closed her eyes, trying to find the right words, “I feel like there is more of me than it was before. I feel stronger. Even magic comes easier to me now, more natural, more like breathing. The way I shaped this whole place to my will even though it wasn’t a dream… I don’t think I could have done that before.”

“ _Vhenan.”_ He pulled her closer, burying his face in her hair.

“Solas… is it possible?”

“I honestly do not know. All of this…” she could feel his breath tickling her ear as he spoke, “You and and the mark. The way you interacted with my orb. Nothing like this has ever happened before. This was never meant to happen. But I suppose it _is_ possible.”

“I believe it is.” She smiled at him. “It feels true. And I sure want it to be.”

He looked at her for a long time before he finally answered. “So do I, _vhenan._ ”

 

 

“I… need a break.” Ghilani muttered, after turning yet another corner, with no rifts in sight. The battle had been tough enough, and all this walking certainly didn’t help. It had been hours since the fight, and her legs were threatening to give in to the exhaustion. “I can’t keep up like this.”

Solas just nodded, and helped her to sit down next to a large rock.

“We should probably settle in for a while anyhow. It does not seem that we are getting anywhere like this.”

“I’m sorry, Solas.” She whispered. “I’m just so tired…”

“Ghilani. You do not need to apologize, not after all you have done here. We all owe our lives to your effort” He crouched down in front of her with a soft smile. “Get some sleep, _vhenan_. I will be watching over you.”

“But what about you?” Ghilani frowned. “You must be tired as well.”

“I am, but you are the one whose strenght we need to get through the next rift.” Solas sighed, “I will be fine, _ma’arlath_. You don’t need to worry.”

 

 

“Ghilani.” His hand was on her shoulder, gently shaking to wake her up. “I believe someone is here to see you.”

A tiny bright light was hovering in front of her. She would have recognized that wisp anywhere.

“It’s… Is it really you?” she held out her hand just like she had done when she was little, and the little pink creature jumped into it without hesitation. “It is you! Have you come to show us the way out?”

The wisp bounced out of her hand, and started fluttering off towards the path to their left, before coming back to them again.

“I believe it wants us to follow.” Solas smiled and held out a hand to help her up.

With help from the wisp it didn’t take long before they came across a rift. It only required a casual gesture for Ghilani to open it fully so that they could pass through.

“It was good to see you again, my friend.” She flashed a smile at the wisp before she grabbed Solas’s hand. They walked back into the world side by side.

 

 

They exited the rift into a forest.

“Where are we?” Ghilani fell to the ground panting, hardly taking the time to notice anything about the open area they found themselves in.

“I believe we are in the Emerald Graves.” Solas answered, looking around himself with great fascination. “You did it, vhenan. You got us out.”

Slowly she managed to get back on her feet. He was right. This was the Emerald Graves, she recognized the giant twisted remains of a tree in front of them, the large wolf statue at its feet. They were out on the edge of the cliff, right next to where they had fought the dragon.

“Yes! I know this place!” she smiled, enjoying the warmth of the setting sun on her skin, finally filling her lungs with the fresh forest air. _We are alive. We made it_.

“I believe there is an Inquisition Camp nearby.” Solas mused, gazing away from the tree.

“There is.” Ghilani nodded.

“Then perhaps we should make our way there before it gets dark, so that we both can get a proper night’s sleep. There is also the matter of sending a message to the others, to let them know where we are.”

“How about…” Ghilani smiled at him, “How about we stay here instead, just for tonight.”

“Here?”

“Yes, here.” She smiled, walking around to the small ditch behing the statue.

“Why?” Solas frowned as he followed.

“I was just thinking…” Ghilani bit her lip again. “We so rarely get any time all to ourself. To be alone. We could stay right here. The tree and the statue will provide enough cover. We could spend the night together, before we rejoin the real world. Just you and me.”

She could see the slight hint of a smile on his lips as he finally agreed.

Ghilani lay awake for a long time before closing her eyes. Surrounded by green, proper green, the soft and calming color of her childhood, combined with the warmth and smell of the man she loved. And as before, she could breathe properly again. They fell asleep in each others arms under the open sky.

 

……………………………

 

 

The news met them as they returned to Skyhold. An agent of Tevinter had found his way into Winter Palace’s kitchens, and poisoned Empress Celene’s morning tea. She was alive, but just barely. According to the message there was still no way of telling whether or not she would make it. Briala was ruling the empire in her absense, but this was a solution that clearly could not hold up for long. No trace was found of the assassin, and there was no signs of a break in or anything to suggest how the perpetrator had gotten in or out of the castle unseen. This was clearly the work of a professional. And such things did not come cheap.

Within days of the poisoning the Orlesian nobility started revolting. No matter how public Briala’s promotion to nobility had been, and no matter how clear Celene had been about their relationship, the proud people of Orlais would never accept an elf as their ruler. Before a week had passed rumors about another civil war had already started brewing.

And so Corypheus got his chaos after all.

By the end of the second month after the attemped assassination Orlais was in dire need of assistance. Leliana’s agents reported that a few of the more outspoken nobles had already started gathering their forces in the west, likely preparing to march for Halamshiral. They had already decided to step in when Briala sent word pleading for aid. Many of her own elven spies had gone missing, and she feared for the lives of the rest if the situation was not dealt with soon.

 

Ghilani and her team were in the Exalted Plains when the order to head for Halamshiral came from Skyhold. According to the message Leliana was on her way there already, but she couldn’t share any details in case the bird was intercepted.

“It must be serious, if Leliana is going herself.” Cassandra frowned, “She wouldn’t leave Skyhold for just anything.”

“We’ll head out tomorrow morning, then.” Ghilani replied, stuffing the note into her pack. “It will take us a few days to get to the palace.”

 

 

It was two days later, and they were getting close to Halamshiral. They had just started talking about setting up camp early for the night, so that they could get an early start the next day, when a campfire appeared some distance ahead of them. The roads were so dangerous these days that they hadn’t seen or heard sign of anyone else for days. It seemed stupid to set up another camp so close to an existing one, so they catiously approach the fire.

“It might be useful.” Varric muttered to the others as they got closer, “Talking to these strangers might give us some insight into the recent event in these parts, perhaps any rumors the empress’s agents wouldn’t hear?”

 

“Hello there!” the man facing towards them smiled amiably as they stepped into the light.

“Greetings!” Ghilani smiled back. “Would you mind if my friends and I share your camp for the night? You’re the first living souls we’ve seen for days.”

“By all means!” he gestured for them to come closer. “My name is Gavin. This here is…”

He didn’t get the chance to finish the sentence. The two other men turned around to face Ghilani, and the effect was immediate. All blood drained out of her face, and the hiss that escaped her lips sounded more like a feral animal than anything else.

Solas barely had the time to throw himself in front of her before she launched herself at the humans.


	15. Three elves went into the woods to play

“What the…” Varric uttered in shock. Solas threw himself forward just in time to stop her as Ghilani launched towards the two closest merchants, hissing and screaming like a wild cat. Varric quickly stepped forward to help Solas, as their usually so calm leader suddenly seemed to have gone out of her mind. Cassandra positioned herself casually closer to the to merchants.

“Ghilani!” Solas gasped, still trying to retain her as she kicked and twisted herself to escape their hold. “What in the world is going on with you?”

The three strangers stared at them with wide open eyes, clearly wondering if the mad elf was possessed.

“This… is the mighty Inquisitor we’ve heard so much about?” the tallest one snorted. “A savage elf?”

That simple comment, words they had heard thrown after them everywhere they went since the dawn of the Inquisition somehow seemed to mean more to Ghilani than ever before. A feral screech passed between her clenched teeth, while her whole body shook with wild fury.

“Solas.” She growled. “Let. Me. Go. NOW!”

“No, Ghilani.” His voice was soft and gentle, trying his best to calm her down. “Not until you tell us what’s going on.”

“Your elf has gone mad. THAT’s whats going on.” The tall merchant laughed, exchanging disgusted looks with his friend. The one human Ghilani had spoken to before going mad were casting wary glances between Ghilani and his friends. 

“Fine.” Ghilani snapped, glaring at them. She took a deep breath to calm herself down enough to finally stop resisting their grip. “I’ll tell you.”  
She took a deep breath, and looked at Cassandra.  
“I’ll tell you the story. On one condition.” She gestured towards the merchants, with a glare that would have made less arrogant men shake in their pants. “You restrain those two. No matter what happens. Do _not_ let them go. Varric, help her.”

“Inquisitor…” Cassandra stayed still, staring at Ghilani with a look of great confusion.

“I’m serious, Cassandra. Do it.” She frowned. “If you don’t trust me, then fine. Solas can keep restraining me if that makes you feel more at ease.”

“And what about me?” the third merchant looked at her. 

She shook her head, barely even meeting his eyes. “I have no problem with you, ser. All I ask is that you listen to what I have to say without interfering.” 

He nodded, brows furrowing as he looked at the other two. Frowning, Cassandra finally did as Ghilani asked, motioning for Varric to follow. Solas released her from his grasp, but stayed close to her, as if he expected her to explode again. 

 

“Now,” Ghilani sneered. “Where to begin… ” She stared at the two men with a look so hateful that even Varric took a step back. “Oh, _I know._ Let me share a little poem I made up as a little girl.” 

One of the men looked like he wanted to make a snide comment, but her menacing stare stopped him. She waited until he looked away before she started reciting the words she had memorized so many years ago, letting her anger burst from each and every word.

_“Three elves went into the woods to play,  
When three humans got in their way.”_

She halted, positively fuming with rage. “Feel free to cut in whenever you recognize the story, _shemlen._ ”

Cassandra and Varric cast wary glances at each other. The two merchants suddenly seemed far more affected by Ghilani’s behavior than they initially had. As she opened her mouth to continue one of them tried to take a step back, but Cassandra quickly reached out to stop him from moving.

_“The elven woman, a mother of two_  
_Protected her children, and that was her doom._  
_Two cut’s it took for her ears to fall…”_ Ghilani’s voice turned into an ice cold whisper as one of the merchants gasped in horror.

“It’s… you.” All the color faded from his face as he locked eyes with his friend. 

“Yes. It’s me.” Her voice was barely audible. Her whole body shook as she grabbed on to Solas’s arms for support. “And here I thought you didn’t remember me.”

“Maker preserve us…” the merchant stared at her fiery hair with a look of pure desperation. “Maker, keep us safe.”

“No.” Ghilani snapped. “Your Maker won’t preserve you. He will not keep you safe. You do not deserve to be _safe_. There is no one who can help your sorry asses. The only one coming for you is _me_.”

One of the men almost knocked Varric over as he tried to escape. Instead he got a broken nose as the dwarf knocked him down, clearly already sensing where this story was going.

“Please.” Solas’s voice was cold and hard. “Do continue. We are all _dying_ to hear the rest of the story.”

 

_“Two cuts,”_ Ghilani repeated, slightly louder _“it took for her ears to fall,_  
_then they pushed her down, as she helplessly called_  
_For her children to run, but it was too late._  
_The humans had already settled their fate.”_

“Please.” The youngest man begged, “please let us go…”

“Shut. Up.” Solas snarled, gesturing for Ghilani to continue.

_“The kids tried to scream as their mother was killed,  
But what happened next was what made their blood chill.”_

The youngest of the two men fell to his knees, whimpering, but Ghilani ignored him, raising her voice again.

_“They boy screamed for help as the girl was undressed_  
_they killed him, to keep from alerting the rest_  
_of the clan of the elves that resided nearby,_  
_the ones that would always ask themselves why.”_

Now Solas was the one snarling, clinging on to Ghilani’s hand to stop himself from doing something rash. She squeezed his hand lightly before losing herself to the memories again.

_“why the girl who returned never acted the same_  
_way she used to, her head always bowed down in shame._  
_How her face had been morbidly scarred by a cut_  
_so deep that it never quite sealed itself shut.”_

Ghilani stopped, staring at the two men with a frown. The two previously towering men that had now turned into cowering fools.  
“Now, I suspect everyone here already knows how this story ends.”  
She waited for one of the men to respond, and sneered as she got nothing.  
“Will you tell them, or shall I?” Still there was no response. She took one step towards them, causing them both to flinch. “Do any of you wish to share what happened to your… _friend_?”

“I’m suddenly not so sure I want to hear the end of this.” Varric muttered. Cassandra looked like she wanted to agree with him, for once. The third merchant had taken several steps away from his previous allies as Ghilani talked, and was now staring at the other two with a look of pure disgust.

“Are you not proud of your actions?” Ghilani snarled, taking another step towards them. Solas let go of her arm without a word, still glaring at the two men. “Do you not want to share with your friend here how a tiny, 5 year old _elven savage_ chased two grown men away? Or have you forgotten all about your old friend, the one you left there on the ground with the other corpses. Don’t you remember… how he _smelled_? As he went up in flames? Because I remember perfectly.” She swallowed, and took another step forward, sparks flaring out from her fingertips. “I can remind you, if you don’t.”

“No…” the tallest of the men started sobbing. “Please… please don’t hurt us.”

“That’s what my brother said.” Ghilani hissed. “He was 5 years old. And you slaughtered him. _Why?_ ”

None of them said a word.

“I thought so.” Ghilani took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment before looking back at Solas. “Have you heard enough?” Solas gave her a short nod, still not taking his eyes of the merchants.

“I think we’ve all heard more than enough.” Varric shuddered.

“Then.” Ghilani took another step forward, staring down at her the men who murdered her family. “Cassandra. Varric. And you too, Gavin. If you wouldn’t mind stepping away, I’d really like to kill those two now.”

“Inquisitor.” Cassandra stood her ground. “They should be taken to Skyhold for judgement. If you would…”

“No, Cassandra. I won’t. Taking them to Skyhold would mean travelling with them for days, only to pass the exact same judgement as I did now.” Ghilani closed her eyes, and clung on to Solas’s hand for support. “I have been judging them every single day and night since I was 5 years old. I never wanted to see those faces again. And now that I have… there is only one way this can end. I am sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, Cassandra. But I have to do this. I _need_ this.”

“But… but she’s right!” the tallest of the merchants stuttered, “We have the right to a proper trial! And we have a witness, you can’t just treat us like this!”

Ghilani’s eyes shot open again, but her own reply was interrupted.

“Seriously?” Gavin spat at his companions, staring down at where they both cowered on the ground. “You truly believe that I would help you, that I would support _you_ , after doing something like that??”  
They just stared up at him.  
“Do what you will, Inquisitor.” He continued, turning towards Ghilani with a slight nod. “I will not stand between you and your just revenge.”

Cassandra looked as if she considered objecting, but thought better of it.  
“As you wish, Inquisitor.” She glared down at their captives, “I won’t deny that an execution would be well deserved.”

“Any final words, _shemlen?_ ” Ghilani walked the few remaining steps towards them. “Anything you’d like to get of your chest?”

“We should have finished you then, bitch!” the youngest of the two shouted at her, “we should have cut you just like we did your mother, and that squealing little brother of yours.”

“Indeed, you should.” Ghilani snorted. A cold, bitter laugh escaped from inside her as she lifted her hands in front of herself and focused all her anger and pain into fiery balls. “Say hello to your old friend from me when you join him.”

The fire consumed them within minutes. 

 

“So…” Gavin said, after quietly witnessing the fiery demise of his former companions. “Now what?”

“What do you mean?” Ghilani tore her gaze away from the flames to look at him.

“Well, my previous employment is obviously no longer valid. And I don’t much like the idea of wandering these parts by myself. These are dangerous times, after all.” He stopped, hesitating. “So, I suppose my real question is this; might the Inquisition have a place for a man such as myself? I have contacts, and I’d like to believe that not _all_ of them are vicious monsters.”

Ghilani smiled. “I’m sure we can find something for you, Gavin. We’re on our way back to Skyhold now, so just come along. Surely Josephine has something for you to do.”

“Thank you, Inquisitor. I promise, I will prove myself worth trusting.”

“Oh, I already trust you.” She shrugged.

“You _do?_ ” Gavin and Cassandra spoke at the same time.

“Yes.” She simply answered. “Though your company was far from trustworthy, you have proved you’re able to think for yourself. When you learned of their wicked background, you distanced yourself from them. You have shown me that you are able to stand for what is right, even when it might seem easier to stick to your old beliefs. And, honestly, the look on your face when you discovered what they had done told me everything I needed to know about you. I believe you are a good man, Gavin. And the Inquisition always needs more of those.”

“Well, that’s another one, then.” Varric grinned. “This Inquisition of ours sure have an interesting way to find reqruits. Right, Seeker?”

“Ugh.” Cassandra groaned.

“At any rate, how about we move a bit further before settling down for the night? This place makes me nervous, for some strange and mysterious reason.” Varric nodded towards the smoldering corpses.

“Yeah, good idea.” Ghilani shuddered. “Let’s move on.”

 

“You never told me you were a poet, Foxie.” Varric commented after the smell of burning flesh had finally faded away.

“Yeah, well. I was a one hit wonder.” Ghilani shrugged, feeling lighter, as if the weight of a hundred nightmares had finally been lifted from her shoulders.

“Pretty good start, though.”

“I’ll tell you the rest of the poem later, if you’d like to write it down.”

“Foxie,” he sighed. “I write everything down. You couldn’t stop me if you tried.”

 

 

“Why did you never tell me?” Solas asked her when they were finally alone. 

The others had settled into their tents. Gavin’s were now set up next to theirs. Ghilani had declared as soon as they were set up that she’d take first watch. There was no way she would be able to sleep now, not after all that, so she might as well be useful. Solas had, as he often did, volunteered to stay up with her.

“It’s not really something I enjoy talking about,” she leaned in to him. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“Ghilani, look at me.” He reached out to stroke her cheek. “Do not apologize. You’re under no obligation to tell anybody anything, me included. Everyone is entitled to their secrets. I simply wished that I had known earlier.”

“Yeah…” she whispered, looking away again. “I’ve tried so long to forget what happened that night. But I can’t. You can’t just forget something like that. I still see their faces in front of me when I close my eyes at night. I still hear his screams.” She shook her head, as if to shake the memories from her mind.

“What was their names? Your family.” 

“My brother’s name was Hanin.” She sighed, wiping the tears from her eyes. “Sadly, he never got the chance to live up to his name. There would be never be any glory for him. He had the same fiery hair as me, eyes that looked like they were made of the forest, just like mine. We were twins. Identical. We used to switch places, pretend to be each other… we were like one person, sometimes. Losing him made me feel like part of myself was missing. It still sort of does. Sometimes. My mother… her name was Atisha. She looked a bit different than us, her hair was black and her eyes were the color of a river. But her face was like mine, what I would grow up to look like. I suppose our colors must have come from our father, though I never met him.”

“What happened to your father?”

“I don’t actually know. She never talked about him. All I know is that he was from another clan. She came back from the _Arlathven_ pregnant. It was quite the scandal.” She smiled sadly, “I don’t even know his name. I suppose he could still be alive somewhere, but without her there is no way to find him.”

Solas nodded slowly, staring down at her hands for a long time before he looked at her again.

“Did they… did he…” he sighed. “Did he… hurt you?”. He didn’t manage to ask the question he wanted out loud, but Ghilani understood what he meant.

“No…The one who tried… he was on top of me, but then I… set him on fire. I didn’t even mean to do it. It was the first time I ever did any kind of magic.” She smirked, “It turned out pretty well though. As I stood up, fire roaring out of my hands, my whole body cloaked itself in flames… the other two almost tripped over each other as they ran away. I probably looked like some kind of demon.”

“I find that hard to imagine.” He smiled softly.

“I actually sort of felt like a demon myself. I was only 5 years old, and I had no idea what was happening. Of course, I had seen magic before… But that was someting the Keeper did. I knew that some people had the gift, but I had never even considered that I might be capable of doing anything like that myself.” She frowned. “And even at that age I knew that my magic would force me to become the Keeper’s apprentice. I didn’t want that. So I hid my magic.”

“Did they not see the bodies? Your mother and brother, and that blasted human. Surely they could see what had happened when they found them?”

“Yes. And no.” Ghilani shook her head. “The Keeper made me take her out there when I came back alone, but I said that one of the humans did it. That he accidentally killed his friend as well when he attacked us. The fire had burned away most of my clothes as well, and with all my bruises and cuts I certainly looked more like a victim than a fighter, so the others believed me. I think the Keeper might have suspected something, but she let me be.”

“How long did you hide your magic?” he asked quietly, gently reaching for her hand again.

“It was only for a year or so. By then the dreams had started… developing, I guess you could call it. I didn’t realise at first that it was a sign of magic, so I told the others about what I experienced in my sleep. If I had known about the connection I wouldn’t have said anything. I had promised myself to never use magic again, to never tell anyone.”

“But why would you not, when using magic was what had saved your life?”

“Yes… but what good did my magic do, when mother and Hanin still died? After that… magic was just a reminder of what I had lost, of the nightmare that I could never shake off. I hated my magic.”

“I suppose that is understandable, under those circumstances.” He pulled her closer and put his arms around her.

They stood there for a long time, leaning against each other in silence.

“I can’t believe it’s over.” She whispered. “I’ve spent my whole life wondering what it would be like, seeing those two again. I’ve veered between thinking I could forgive them and wanting them to feel as much pain as I did… but I never really believed that I would ever get the chance to decide. But today I did… and I burned them alive.” She glanced up at him. “Does that make me a monster too? That I actually feel that it was the right thing to do?”

“You… or more precisely, that part of you, was nothing more than what they made you to be. Now, with all that behind you, you can discard that part of yourself as well. You can be free of it all, if you want to be.”

“I think I do.” She murmured. “But how?”

“It will take time. When you remember, try to focus your thoughts on your family, instead of those who harmed them. Focus on the things you remember about them, and let those things fill your mind.”

Ghilani nodded, closing her eyes. That much she could do.


	16. The Way Forward

Ghilani stumbled out of the tent with her right hand clamped over her mouth. She barely made it out of the camp before she fell to her knees, heaving as the rest of what had been her supper emptied out into the snow. It couldn’t have been more than an hour or two since she fell asleep. _Great._ This was becoming a bad habit. Ever since they had left for Halamshiral two weeks ago she had been feeling weird, as if she was coming down with something, and then the nightmares had started. It wasn’t anything like the ones she had had before, like her childhood memories coming back to haunt her. These were different. Simpler, but still infinitely more complicated. And worse, somehow.

In the dream, it was always the same one, she was standing outside on the rocky mountains near Skyhold. The place where they had beaten Corypheus in that other life. The battle was over, but she was stuck there. Reliving those few precious moments between the fight and the feast. The last moments before he vanished.

 _“No matter what comes, I want you to know that what we had was real.”_  

His words had confused her before, but it was his face that truly haunted her now. He looked absolutely heartbroken. In the real version of the scene, she had been distracted by Cassandra and the others as they approached. She had not seen him disappear. But in the dream she was outside her own body, and her focus was on Solas. She could see him turn away, see as he started walking… and then came back. She watched the tormented look in his eyes as he came several steps towards her again… watched him struggle with himself, before finally turning away for the last time. She had always known, deep inside, that he never wanted to leave her. But to see it like that… to watch the struggle as it reflected on his face… and then witness him giving in to whatever it was that told him to leave. He didn’t want to leave. He broke his own heart doing it. That much was obvious. But he did it anyway. And that thought haunted her more than anything. If whatever his plans were was that important to him… wouldn’t that still be true in this timeline?

Her stomach was still turning, but she managed to get back up on her feet soon enough. Sighing, she looked over her shoulder at the tents. At least she hadn’t woken up any of the others with her mess. She didn’t want to have to explain her sickness. Wrapping her arms around herself for warmth, she slowly walked away from the camp. She wouldn’t get any sleep now anyway, not in this state.

Emprise du Lion looked so much different at night. The first time they were here she had been nearly blinded by the sun and the snow. In the darkness, everything was soft and blue. Peaceful. The river was still frozen, but the air didn’t bite into her skin the way it had the last time they passed through here. Perhaps the winter was finally giving up its hold of the area. It was something to hope for, at least. The people of Sahrnia had been through enough. _So have I._ She could feel the bitterness spreading through her body, merging with the nausea. Again, she found herself wondering how much more she could endure, and how much longer she would have to struggle through this mess. Whenever she made it past one obstacle, three others seemed to manifest in front of her. And now these nightmares arriving to weaken her, literally making her sick. At least the prospect of returning to Skyhold made her feel slightly better. In just a couple of days they would be back there, and everything could go back to normal. Well, at least as normal as it was ever possible for her. Surely it would be easier to deal with these nightmares there. At home.

Another wave of nausea had her down on her hands and knees on the ground, just as she heard footsteps approaching. _Fenedhis!_

“You all right, Foxie?” Varric sounded concerned.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” She managed a hesitant smile.

“Right… very convincing.” He shook his head. “You look like you’re having a great night.”

“I’m having the time of my life, actually.” Ghilani groaned, making a feeble attempt to get back on her feet.

Shaking his head, Varric held out a hand to help her out.

“Thanks.” She sighed. “I’m sorry if I woke you up… I was trying to be quiet, but… well. Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. I would have turned over and gone back to sleep, had this not been a recurring event.” He gave her a pointed look. “Chuckles might be the heaviest sleeper in all of Thedas, but I for one am not. This is the fourth time this week, Foxie. What’s going on?”

Ghilani gazed out over the frozen river. Perhaps she shouldn’t be surprised. Their tents were hardly sound proofed. If only she could have kept up appearances for a few more days…

“Foxie?”

“Okay, okay…” Ghilani sighed. “It’s just… I’ve been having nightmares.”

Varric just nodded. “I suspected as much.”

“You did?” she stared at him.

“It’s hardly surprising, is it? After that encounter we had two weeks ago? Running into your childhood monsters like that was bound to have side effects.” He shrugged, but the concerned look on his face remained.

“Ah.” Ghilani hesitated, looking down at her cold hands. For a moment she wanted to play along, keep the truth to herself. But this was Varric. He’d probably see right through her lies anyway. And talking about her worries might actually not be such a bad thing. After all he and Dorian had helped her through already… surely it was worth a try? “It’s… not that.”

“Okay…” Varric moved to sit down on a fallen tree. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s…” she bit down on her lower lip. “It’s Solas. I keep expecting him to disappear. Like he did the last time. I keep dreaming of that moment.” She shook her head slightly. “I tried putting up wards to help me sleep, but this isn’t like normal nightmares. It’s too real. You can’t exactly ward out your own memories.”

“You really think he’s going to leave again?” Varric looked doubtful. “I think you might be underestimating his feelings for you.”

“That didn’t stop him last time.” Ghilani sighed. “You know how determined he is… this, whatever it is he has planned, is obviously very important to him. More important.”

"Have you tried talking to him about this?”

“I have… not. No.” She admitted, shaking her head softly as she sat down beside him. “Honestly, the very idea of it terrifies me.”

“I guess I can understand that. But your relationship is different this time, right?” Varric glanced towards the tents. “You said it felt stronger?”

“Yeah, but…” she sighed. “I don’t know. Sometimes he gets this look on his face, and then he pulls back. He always pulls back. It scares me.”

“I’m sorry, Foxie.” Varric shook his head. “I know it’s difficult, but I think you really do need to talk to him about this.”

“I know.” She whispered.

They sat in silence for a moment, staring out over the frozen river. Varric was right, of course. She had to talk to him. This stupid fear was making her sick, and there was no time for that now. Corypheus could strike at any moment, and they had to be prepared for that. Her being this exhausted was a liability, and it had to end. It had to. _When we get back to Skyhold. I’ll talk to him. I’ll deal with it._

“Okay.” She murmured, more to herself than to Varric, grinding her teeth as she got back up on her feet. “We should get some sleep. It’s a long day tomorrow.”

He grabbed her hand as they approached the camp.

“It’s going to be all right, Foxie. I promise.” 

She watched him in silence as he turned away and disappeared into his tent. If only she shared his optimism.

Solas was still sleeping soundly as she crawled in and curled up next to him.

 

……………………

 

“That is pure speculation!” Leliana glared at Cullen.

“She’s right.” Josephine agreed, “We can’t simply assume that Corypheus has changed his plans. If there is even the slightest chance that he might reach the Well of Sorrows, we must act!”

“Enough!” Ghilani finally snapped. The war council had been going in circles for what felt like hours. Leliana had approached Ghilani and Cassandra almost as soon as they entered Skyhold, summoning them to the war room. Had she known it would be like this, she would have insisted that they waited. “I agree with Josephine. We can’t risk that he gets his hands on neither the Well or the Eluvian.”

Cullen sighed, and looked like he was about to say something, but Ghilani beat him to it.

“However, I also agree with Cullen.” That got his attention. “Corypheus knows that we know, obviously, so I sincerely doubt that he will repeat the same attacks he did the last time. However, we can’t base our actions on assumptions. I suggest we change things ourself.”

“What do you propose?” Josephine looked at her.

“The sentinels of the Temple. All we need to thwart his advances is their cooperation. Their alliance.” Ghilani bit down on her lip. “The last time we were there we had to fight both templars and sentinels at the same time. If we can get them to trust us, we can work together instead.”

“What do you mean?” Leliana asked.

“We set up a camp outside. Our soldiers don’t bother the sentinels, and they don’t bother the soldiers. They don’t have to even see each other unless Corypheus arrives. If he does, then they’ll team up.”

“And how exactly do you intend to gain their trust?” Cullen frowned.

“Leave that to me. Solas and I will enter the temple alone this time. I drank from the Well, and the sentinels will sense that connection in me. That will make them pause enough to listen.”

“And if they don’t?”

“They will.” Ghilani frowned. “And if they don’t… the last time we were there, they still let us pass through the temple unharmed, because we followed the proper path. As long as we still do that, we are safe. Even if they refuse to fight beside us, they won’t attack our soldiers unless we give them reason to. Without their aid we will simply have to post our soldiers a bit further from the entrance to the temple.”

“Well then, I say we proceed with your plan. It does seem like our best option.” Josephine nodded. “Having these sentinels on our side certainly sounds advantagious.”

“Good.” Ghilani sighed. Finally, they were getting somewhere. “Then that’s settled. What else is on the agenda?”

“A bird arrived from the court this morning.” Josephine smiled, looking as relieved as she was that they had finally been able to settle something. “It had a personal note from Briala, thanking us for all our aid in Celene’s absence, and assuring us that the Empress’s health is improving greatly.”

“Well, that’s a relief.” Cullen replied. “I’m not sure how we could have prevented another civil war had she not woken up when she did.”

“I know…” Ghilani shuddered. She had praised every single god she could think of when the Empress had opened her eyes only three days after they arrived at the palace. Just the thought of having to play the Game for any extended measure of time made her feel sick. “About time something actually went right. Luck hasn’t exactly been our strong suit lately.”

“You can say that again.” Cassandra sighed, rubbing her temples. She looked just as tired as Ghilani felt. “For now, let us hope this mission goes according to plan. Stopping Corypheus is all that matters.”

"There is one other matter….” Leliana said, just as Ghilani and the other two advisors started moving towards the door. “The note from Briala was not the only one of interest to come this morning.”

Ghilani gestured for her to continue.

“As you all know, I’ve been trying to contact the Hero of Ferelden for some time now. I heard a rumor a few weeks ago, that she might be in Antiva. So I sent orders for my agents in the area to look for the two of them…”

“Two of them?” Cullen interrupted. “I, uhm, I thought she was alone?”

“No,” Leliana looked at him, “I have reason to believe she is travelling with an elf called Zevran.”

“Zevran? Isn’t that the name of the Antivan Crow we had dealings with earlier?” Ghilani asked.

“He’s not actually a Crow anymore, but yes, that is him. He was another one of her companions during the blight. They were quite close, last I saw them.” Leliana smiled. “At any rate, I finally heard back from my agents last week. They had made contact. And this morning I recieved a note from her.”

Ghilani opened her mouth to answer, but Cullen beat her to it. “What did it say?”

“She is on her way to Skyhold.” Leliana looked at Ghilani. “You said earlier that we need to change things ourself. I agree. Kylie Surana is a very powerful mage. She is an experienced fighter. She has made quite a lot of connections during her time with the Wardens, and having the Hero of Ferelden on our side could really make a difference towards earning us favor among both nobles _and_ commoners.”

“It would indeed be a powerful alliance.” Josephine nodded.

“It will. I truly believe that she can help us.” Leliana replied, still looking directly at Ghilani. “It will be some time before she gets here, but she is coming.”

“Good. I look forward to meeting her. We need all the help we can get.” Ghilani nodded. “Was there anything else?”

“No, I believe that was all for now.” Josephine looked at Leliana, who nodded. “Cullen?”

“What?” he looked flustered.

“Uhm.” Ghilani shook her head, frowning. “we were just wondering if you had anything else for us today.”

“No. Nothing.”

“Okay, then.” Leliana met Ghilani’s confused gaze. “Back to work for us all, then.”

“You guys can work all you want, I’m not doing anything until I’ve had a bath and a long nap.” Ghilani nodded to the others and hurried out of the war room before anyone could say otherwise.

The great hall was crowded, but Ghilani did a good job of avoiding everyone’s attention, managing to reach the door to her quarters without any interruption. She almost cried with joy as she closed the door behind her. This trip had been way too long. It felt like forever since they had left Skyhold for the Exalted Plains, though it had only been a little over a month. It should have been an easy mission. They had only gone there to deliver some historical scrolls they had found to Keeper Hawen, only intending to stay for a day or two before going back home. But then everything with the Empress had happened, and well… chaos ensued. At least now it was over. 

Ghilani smiled to herself as she stepped into the tub, letting her body sink into the warm water. For a moment she felt almost blissful. The light filtered through the stained glass windows made the water look like magic, and the scented oils she had used made her mind all foggy and calm. The subtle magic of a long desired bath.  She barely bothered to dry herself off before crawling under the blankets on her bed, falling into a gratefully dreamless sleep.

 

The sun had moved enough to shine through another set of windows when she finally stirred again. Clean and rested, she almost felt like her old self again as she stretched her arms above her head, slowly dragging herself back to conciousness. She allowed herself a few moments to enjoy the rare feeling of peace, knowing it would end soon enough. Surely, with her having slept a while, some new crisis would be waiting just outside that door. That was how it worked, this strange new life of hers. Though, _new_ might not be the right word. She had spent more than five years fighting for the Inquisition, though a large part of that had been in a different timeline. She hardly remembered how it had felt, not having all this responsibility hanging over her head at all times. Or how different, how _empty_ , she had felt before he so casually appeared by her side.  That thought quickly knocked her out of her restful state. _Solas_. She had to talk to him. No matter how scary that was. It was necessary. 

She didn’t even make it down the stairs before her stomach started turning again, but she forced herself to keep moving. If she stopped now, she would just talk herself out of it again, delay it. It would be so easy to let her self be distracted by everything else that required her attention. So easy to pretend that she didn’t have time for that conversation. Given time, she would surely talk herself out of doing it. And then she would never be able to ask him what she desperately needed to know. 

The great hall was even more crowded now than when she had passed through there earlier. There was a large group of people standing by the table next to the door leading up to the library. They were arguing about something, but Ghilani hurried past them, trying her best to not hear what they were on about. The words “Kirkwall” and “apostate” reached her anyway, despite her efforts. Creators, what was it this time? As she approached the doorway into the rotunda she made a mental note to ask Varric later. Hopefully it wasn’t anything big. That city had gone through enough. 

She could see him as soon as she reached the door. He was standing in the middle of the circular room, leaning over something at the table. Ghilani froze instantly, shivering as panic started to sneak up on her. The short hallway between the great hall and the rotunda had never seemed so endlessly long before this exact moment. Suddenly the answers she had longed for didn’t seem nearly as urgent as they had just a few minutes ago. Perhaps… perhaps she should just let it be. What good would the answers do anyway? If he was going to leave, he would. Perhaps if she just worked a little bit more on it, she could come to terms with that, and just enjoy the time they had… After all, he did stay until the end of the war last time, so perhaps she could just make it take a little longer than necessary to delay the heartache? 

“Ghilani?” 

_Fenedhis!_ Just as she had started turning around to leave, he had turned as well. 

“ _Vhenan_ …?” he sounded worried. “What is wrong? You look as if you have seen a ghost.” 

“I… I’m okay.” She stuttered. “Nothing’s wrong, I was just…”. Her voice trailed off. Crap. This was definitely not how she wanted this to go. 

“Please, come sit down. You are shaking.” 

She followed him over to the couch, but still couldn’t make herself look at him. 

“Ghilani? Please, tell me what happened.” His hand reached out for her jaw, lifting her face to make her meet his gaze. “Please, _vhenan_. Talk to me.” 

“I didn’t mean to worry you. I’m fine, I promise.” It might have been more convincing if her voice had not broken at the last part. What was happening to her? This wasn’t like her. “I just… needed to talk to you.” 

“Then talk to me.” Ghilani glanced over towards the great hall. There was a group of nobles standing there looking right at them, clearly wondering what was going on with the Inquisitor. 

“Could we go somewhere else?" 

“Of course. Did you have a particular place in mind?” his hand brushed softly against her side as he sat down next to her, maneuvring his arm around her shoulders. 

“No… not really.” She thought about it for a second, before adding “just somewhere far from here.” 

 

When she opened her eyes a few minutes later, she found herself in a painfully familiar place. Biting down on her lip, she closed her eyes in a feeble attempt to ward off the memories. 

“Is something wrong?” his voice sounded worried again. 

“Last time… you took me here as well.” Ghilani shuddered, finally opening her eyes again. “You said that you wanted to talk to me… and then you brought me to this place. You said that you wanted to show me how important I was to you.” 

They were standing by the waterfall in Crestwood. Ghilani had only been to this place twice in her life, once to fight a wyvern and then again when Solas brough her there, but she could have drawn the place from memory. After that last date with him, she had had no desire to ever set foot there again. This time she had sent Inquisition soldiers to kill the wyvern instead of doing it herself. But now here she was again. 

“You do not seem fond of the memory.” Solas raised a brow in confusion. 

“No, I’m most definitely not” Ghilani bit down on her lower lip, trembling as she remembered. “You told me… that the only thing you had to give me was the truth. You kept saying that word, _the truth_. I think you had planned on telling me who you really are.” 

“But I did not.” Solas frowned. Ghilani shook her head. 

“No. You changed your mind at the last second. Instead you told me about the real meaning of the _vallaslin_ , how they were slave markings. You offered to take mine away.” 

S olas reached out to touch her face, tracing his finger along the pattern. “You rejected my offer.” He whispered. 

“Yes…” Ghilani hesitated. “I considered it. I did. But I couldn’t do it. Not because of the Dalish, or their belief that the marking were honoring the gods. I never really cared much about that part, honestly. But I couldn’t go through with it. It was all I had left of…” Ghilani trailed off, closing her eyes. 

“All you had left of?” Solas reached out to grab her hand, squeezing it gently. 

“When I got my _vallaslin_ … I chose these particular markings, not because they were honoring Mythal, but because they was the same ones my mother had.” Her voice cracked up, “I sort of look like her. So whenever I saw my own reflection, I could see some part of her. But I couldn’t tell you that… I had never told anyone what happened to her, what happened to me. I didn’t know how.” 

“Ah.” Solas stepped forward to take her in his arms. 

“I told you I was sorry.” Ghilani whispered. “I didn’t want to disappoint you. But you said I shouldn’t apologize. That I was perfect just the way I was, that I was beautiful.” 

“You are.” Solas pulled her closer. “Is that why this place is so uncomfortable for you? The memories of your mother?” 

Ghilani slowly shook her head. 

“This is where you left me.” Ghilani could hardly get the words out. “You told me that I was perfect, that you loved me more than anything. That I had a rare and marvelous spirit. And then you left me, told me we couldn’t be together anymore.” 

“I am so sorry.” He whispered into her ear. “I did not know. _Ir abelas, vhenan_. Do you wish for us to go somewhere else?” 

“No.” She murmured, taking a step back from him. “This… this is actually kind of perfect.” 

“What do you mean?” he looked confused. 

“I need… to know that you won’t do that again, _ma sa’lath._ ” She whispered. “I need answers… the ones you promised you would give. I need to know what’s going on. I need to understand.” 

She could tell that he was about to protest, so she put a finger on his lips to stop him. 

“I know that… you have plans. That there is something you need to do. Some reason why you were so determined to reclaim the orb. A reason why you left.” She hesitated. “I won’t stop you, whatever it is you want to do. I’ll even help you, if you let me.” 

“You do not know what you are asking.” He shook his head solemnly. 

“I don’t care. Whatever it is you’re planning to do, I trust you. I want to help you.” She could feel her own strength returning as she spoke. 

“It is too dangerous.” He muttered, shaking his head again. 

“That choice is entirely up to you. Like I said, I won’t stop you, no matter what comes. Go, if you have to. Leave if you must.” she bit down on her lip. “Just don’t leave… _me._ Promise me you’ll come back this time.” 

He looked at her with sadness in his eyes. “That… me coming back, is not a guarantee I can make.” He sighed. “But I promise... I will try.” 

Ghilani sighed and leaned back into his embrace, breathing in his scent. He always smelt of a forest, trees and moss and chilling lakes. Everything at once. It made his arms feel like home. She felt so safe here, as if nothing in the world could ever harm her as long as she stayed perfectly still. Nothing but him. Being with Solas made her feel like she was constantly balancing on the edge of total destruction. Their previous relationship had been a constant stream of him pulling away and him leaving her. Again and again. This time it was a bit better, since she now knew his secret, but still, even here… he had already left him once. She suddenly realised that there was no way she would let him walk away without her. Not this time. Where he went, she would follow. No matter what it cost her.


	17. A chink in the armor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Preparing for (and now doing) Nanowrimo has kept me busy.

Weeks passed by as they started making preparations for their trip to the Arbor Wilds. Although Ghilani seriously doubted that Corypheus would repeat his previous moves, they still had to be ready in case he did. Which meant that they had to prepare for a possible encounter with Samson. Dagna had been working on ways to destroy his red lyrium armor, but it was taking longer than they had hoped. The young dwarf had been asking Ghilani question after question, basically grilling her for answers about how they had defeated him the last time, but Ghilani was useless. She had no idea how Dagna in the old timeline had done it. All she knew was that she had made some kind of rune, and that it rendered the armor worthless. Sadly, that alone didn’t help Dagna much.

Ghilani cursed to herself as she walked up the stairs from the forge and entered the great hall. If only she had paid more attention to details before, if she had asked more questions… Dagna would probably have been thrilled if the Inquisitor had asked her to share details of her work. If only Ghilani had been interested. But she had not been. Not in the least. She had been too busy with fighting and worrying, and trying not to die. Too busy with her own parts of the story. They had found so many letters regarding Samson the first time she fought this war, but she herself had hardly taken the time to read any of them. She had just skimmed through them and passed them on for others to study. She should have done more… So much more, because this time around, there were hardly any letters at all. Of course there weren’t, because Corypheus would have told them not to leave any. And so, now, Ghilani was the only one in the Inquisition who knew anything at all about the armor… and what did she remember? Nothing. Not really. She vaguely recalled a letter with some sketches, but other than that the sketches were armor-shaped she couldn’t say anything at all about them. _Bloody useless._

To be safe, they had agents posted all over the Dales to warn them if the enemy was on the move. If he did, the Inquisition would have to make do without the rune and break Samson’s armor the hard way. They could do that, right? She’d just bring Cassandra and Bull and and let them beat him senseless while she and Solas protected them with barriers. It might take a while, however. And they would most likely be surrounded by other templars… unless they could get the sentinels to aid… Ghilani gave out an exhasperated sigh as she exited into the courtyard. There was no point in wasting time worrying about that part. Not yet. They would deal with it if they had to.

The truth was, nothing had happened so far. Nothing. No sign of Corypheus or any of his generals. Not since Adamant. That made Ghilani even more worried. Though she knew it would be stupid of him, she had been secretly hoping that Corypheus would walk in his own footsteps, so to speak, so that she could do the same. This whole situation would be far less terrifying if she could be sure of what was happening. But no. He might be insane, and perhaps a bit deluded, but Corypheus was not stupid. In truth, anything could happen. They were all just fumbling around blindly, thanks to her. They deserved better, all of them. They deserved to have an Inquisitor who knew what they were doing, someone who stayed on top of things. A proper Inquisitor would have maintained focus. A proper Inquisitor would have remembered the letters.

Out of nowhere she recalled a boy in her clan, born the same year as her. His name was Mahanon. He had been one of the kids constantly teasing her, always pulling her hair, calling her names. For years she had blamed it on herself, like she did everything else, but as she got older she realised that he envied her. He wanted to be in charge, of more than just his little gang of idiots. He wanted to be the First, and he hated her for being chosen. It was stupid. He was no mage, he couldn’t be a Keeper, no matter how much he wanted to. He knew that as well as she did. But he still blamed her, somehow. He still treated her as if it was her fault. He was an ass. But he had talents that far surpassed hers. And one of them would have been particularly useful right about now. Anything Mahanon read, or saw, was stored perfectly in his memory. He would have remembered every word in Samson’s letters, he could have drawn up the sketches in detail, without any doubt. If he had been the Inquisitor… but he wasn’t. Instead his life had ended when the red templars slaughtered the clan to punish her. It should have been her, dead in that forest, and him here saving the world. He would have done it better.

She walked briskly past the tavern and headed up the stairs to the battlements. For a moment she considered stopping by Cullen’s office to see if he had heard anything new, but thought better of it. The poor commander had seemed a bit distracted lately. For a while it had looked like the headaches and nightmares he suffered from had eased up, but now it seemed they had returned with a vengance. Was that normal, for people going through withdrawal? She had no way of knowing. Deciding that she should let him do his job in peace, at least until later in the day, she turned right at the top of the stairs, and started walking slowly along the edges of Skyhold’s walls. She always felt so small and insignificant up here, looking out over these mountaintops. Somehow that made her feel better. It reminded her of the first time she had come to Skyhold. Back then, everything had been easier. Sure, they were in the middle of a war, and the world was full of rifts and demons. But back then, that was actually all she had to worry about. Nobody expected her to know everything about the enemy, or details about his plans, or to remember perfectly events from years earlier. Conversations she had with friends and allies were mostly simple and straightforward. She didn’t have to keep track of what had been said about what to whom in which timeline… because there were no different timelines. There was only then and there, and nothing else mattered. Simple. Things with Solas had been easier too, at that point. When she first arrived at Skyhold she had only just started to realise her feelings towards the mysterious bald elf. He was just a guy she liked. A very attractive man, sure, with the most brilliant mind she had ever encountered. But still just a man. She didn’t know who he really was. Or how complicated he would turn out to be. How complicated they would become.

The mountains never changed. Perhaps that was why they had this calming effect on her. Even with everything that had happened, with her and Corypheus both so aware of each others movements and affairs, their forces colliding at every turn, with everything that was going on in the world, these mountains stayed the same. It would take centuries for even the slightest change to happen. Even if she were to be sent back in time again, even if everything around her fell to pieces, the view from this place would still be familiar. Even she couldn’t mess that up. _Just give me enough time, and I might._   She had to laugh at her own thoughts. That one was dark, even by her own standards. This was getting ridiculous! Had she always been this emotional? She couldn’t even remember anymore. Had she been like this in the forest? Sure, after her mother and Hanin died, but she was so young then, it hardly counted. After that, though? These days her emotions made more sudden twists and turns than all of Varric’s novels put together. Of course, one could make the argument that she had been dealt a ridiculous amount of shit these last few years. Surely that made being ridiculously dark and emotional understandable? Right?

Allowing herself a final dramatical sigh, she pushed away from the wall and moved towards the closest staircase. She needed to get a grip. Perhaps Leliana had something to distract her with. The spymaster had agents all over the continent searching for Maddox, Samson’s tranquil assistant. If they could locate him, they might find the information they needed, or at least something to point them in the right direction. So far, however, nothing had been found. They had deployed a team to scout the Shrine of Dumat, where they had found him last time, but of course there was nothing there. From the looks of it, no one had set foot there in ages. That was of course to be expected. Letting Samson use the place as his lair again would have been plain stupid. But they still had to make sure. This war did not follow any of the usual rules, after all. In fact, nothing did. Not anymore. Leliana was leaning over her table when Ghilani came up the stairs.

“Any news?”

“There is always news, Inquisitor.” Leliana straightened up, gesturing to the piles of letters in front of her. “But not of Maddox, no.”

“ _Fenedhis!_ Where could he be?” Ghilani scowled. “We know that Samson brought him out of Kirkwall, but to where?”

“I’m not sure.” Leliana frowned. It was clear how much it bothered her not knowing. “He might be anywhere… and I am starting to believe we are wasting our time with this search. I think it’s time we proceed with your trip to the Wilds.”

“You don’t think we’re going to find him?”

“We might. But by the time we do, it might be too late. And remember, Inquisitor, we do not even know for sure that Samson will be there. This might all be for nothing.”

“No, it’s not.” She shook her head. “Even if he’s not there to meet us in the Arbor Wilds, we will still have to face Samson at some point. And I really would prefer him to lose his armor before we do. But I see your point. This is getting us nowhere.”

“Have you decided who will be coming with you to the Wilds?” Leliana asked.

“Well…” Ghilani hesitated for a moment. “Solas is obviously coming. He is our best bet for convincing the sentinels.”

Leliana just nodded, waiting for her to go on.

“And I was thinking I’ll bring Cole. He might have some insights as well. Hopefully, if things do not go as planned, he might be able to… translate. And I’ll bring Cassandra and Bull, in case Samson is there. Though only Solas will be coming into the temple with me.” She stopped, and frowned as the thought struck her. “Unless the templars are already there, that is. If they are, they are all coming inside. Without breaking the armor, we need all the force we can muster.”

“Let us hope it won’t come to that.”

“Yeah… I really want this plan to work. Having the sentinels on our side…” Ghilani closed her eyes for a second, and exhaled. “You’re right. We can’t afford to wait any longer. I’ll go talk to…”

A cough from behind them made both Leliana and Ghilani jump.

“Well, would you look at that. Leliana, taken by surprise.” An elven woman stood at the top of the stairs, grinning wickedly. “I never thought I’d see the day. You must be slipping.”

“Kylie!” Leliana almost threw herself into the newcomer’s arms, leaving Ghilani alone by the table, stunned by the spymaster’s sudden transformation. “How did you get here so fast? I didn’t expect you for another week, at the very least.”

“Ah, well.” The woman shrugged, casually playing with a strand of her auborn hair. “Zev and I ran into an old friend about a week and a half ago, outside Ostwick. She was kind enough to give us a lift.”

“Zevran is here as well?” Leliana took a step back from her friend, composing herself back into her usual calm self.

“There was no stopping him. This is where all the action is, after all.”

“Of course.” Leliana just nodded, still smiling. “But please, let me introduce you two. Kylie, this here is Inquisitor Lavellan. Inquisitor, this is my old friend Kylie, most commonly known as…”

“The Hero of Ferelden!” Ghilani grinned. This was a far better distraction than she could have hoped for. “I’ve been looking forward to meeting you. My name is Ghilani, though everyone around here seems unable to remember it.”

She looked pointedly at Leliana, who shrugged.

“Oh, I know that feeling.” Kylie nodded. “After so many years of only being ‘The Warden’ or ‘Hero’, I’m almost surprised I can remember my own name.”

“It’s funny how that works, isn’t it?” Ghilani replied. “I actually had this same conversation only a few weeks ago.”

“You did?” Leliana frowned. “With whom?”

“Why, with the Champion of Kirkwall, naturally. Who else?” Ghilani laughed. “But please excuse me. I’m guessing the two of you have a lot of catching up to do. I shall leave you alone.”

“No, please don’t leave on my behalf!” Kylie raised her hands. “I didn’t mean to disrupt your meeting.”

“Oh, it’s okay. We were just about done anyway.” Ghilani replied quickly. “And I have lots of things to take care of. There are many preparations to be made for the journey. We can speak more later.”

“You will do as we discussed, then?” Leliana looked at her.

“Yes.” Ghilani nodded solemnly. “I’ll go talk to the guys now. We’ll leave as soon as possible.”

She left the two women to enjoy their reunion, and hurried down the stairs.

 

 

The rest of the day passed quickly, as Ghilani hurried around Skyhold getting people ready for the long journey to the wilds. Though the thought of an extended fight with Samson and his men scared her, it was more than made up for by the fact that she was finally getting out of Skyhold. For weeks she had been stuck there, waiting for a solution that might not even come. One that in fact did not. Weeks of sitting on their hands, when there was a war to fight. Weeks of doing nothing, while Corypheus and templars and demons were terrorizing the world. While people were dying. Knowing they would be leaving the next day made her feel infinitely better. Cassandra seemed just as relieved as she was, and immediately took it upon herself to prepare the soldiers that would be coming with them. With that taken care of, Ghilani headed for her own quarters. She still had her own packing to do.

It was late by the time she finished. The relief she had felt at the thought of something finally happening had been replaced with a strange sensation of fatigue. Somehow she felt that she could see all the coming events unfold in front of her, as if she could predict the outcome. And it was not a pretty sight. It seemed as if no matter which way they went, the outcome would always be a world full of even more dread and despair. No matter how much she did, there would always be more. Even if she succeded in stopping Corypheus, even if that victory stuck this time, and she was not sent back to the beginning all over again, there would still be chaos. Although they had dealt with the rebel mages in Redcliffe, the tension and injustice that had caused the rebellion was still just as real, and the mage/templar war was just as inevitable, no matter how much she had done to calm it. The prejudice against her kind, and the violence that was repeatedly thrusted on them would not cease, even if the person who saved the world was one of the people. There would always be more suffering. And there was more coming. She knew that. Though he had still not confided in her, though he had still not shared what he knew, she could see it in Solas’ eyes. There was more to come. And by the way he looked whenever she brought it up, she guessed that it would be bad. Maybe even worse than their current crisis. It was weird, though. That part did not scare her. Not if he stayed. Not if he let her face it with him this time. Sadly, that was a big “if”.

He came to her right before she fell asleep, as if he had somehow known. She did not hear him come in. He was always so quiet these days. She didn’t even realise he was there until he crawled into the bed next to her.

“Are you all right, _vhenan_?” he looked down on her, and she could tell that he had already seen through her.

“Yeah…” she said quietly. “I am just worried, that’s all.”

“Ah.” He sighed, and crawled under the covers to put his arms around her. “About Samson? Or was there something else on your mind?”

“Just Samson…” She started lying, but as she felt his arms tightening around her she changed her mind. How could she expect him to open up to her if she was lying herself? “…and everything else, really.”

She turned around to face him, leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on his temple before she continued.

“Mostly, I worry about you, _ma sa’lath_. Things are different between us this time, but there are still shadows lingering all around me. And we are getting dangerously close to the point where you left me the first time.”

The look in his eyes as she finished talking almost made her want to take it back. There was so much pain there, so much fear. And something else, too. Twice he opened his mouth to speak, but no words managed to pass his lips.

“Solas…” she finally whispered, reaching out to gently brush her fingers along his cheek. “I didn’t mean… I just…”

His hand came up to grab hers, and his eyes narrowed slightly.

“I know, _vhenan_.”

He looked at her, and for a moment she thought he was about to pull back, pull away, like she had watched him do so many times before. But then something new happened. His expression changed, and the pained look in his eyes was replaced by one of hard determination.

“ _Ir abelas._ That will not happen this time.”

His words startled her. It looked like he truly meant them, but somehow that did little to calm her nerves. She had always known that he had not left because he wanted to. She had never doubted that he loved her back. She still did not. But that had not saved her heart the last time, and she didn’t expect it to save her this time either.

“You… do not believe me, do you?” he said quietly, frowning as she gently shook her head. She interrupted him as he began to complain.

“I believe that you mean it now, _ma’arlath_. I do believe that you have no intention of breaking my heart again.”

“But?” he sighed.

“But I saw the look on your face the last time. You did not want to leave then either, but you still did it.” She exhaled slowly, and squeezed his hand to make him look at her. “I do not doubt your love, _vhenan_. I never have. But you can’t expect me to blindly trust something that has been repeatedly broken.”

“I understand.” He sighed again, and the determined look returned to his face. “Truly, I do. It is my own fault that you can not trust in my words alone.”

“I am sorry, Solas.” She said quietly. “I wish I could believe it. You have no idea how much I want to.”

“Do not be sorry, Ghilani. You have done nothing wrong.” He smiled gently. “I shall simply have to find a way to prove it to you.”

She just nodded. There was no point in arguing further about something that would only cause the both of them pain. There would be enough of that later. For tonight she could pretend, and hope, that somehow things could change that much. For tonight she could enjoy the sensation of home that always surrounded her as she curled up in his arms. For tonight she could pretend that nothing outside this room existed. For tonight, she could sleep safely. Everything else could wait until tomorrow.


	18. The Arbor Wilds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry for the delay. But I'm back now.

Ghilani sat in the opening of the cave, listening to the rain. They had been lucky to find shelter when they did. After a long day of trekking through the seemingly impenetrable forest, none of them had felt up to the task of setting up anything more solid than the tents they carried, and by the look of those clouds coming in this storm could get ugly. Tents were only so good against that kind of weather. At first, when they saw the opening, they had only sought to take a relaxing break under it before putting up the camp. They had not realised what a great treasure it truly was. It was actually quite large. In fact more than large enough for everyone to put up their tents under its roof. Most of the others had gone to sleep right after they had finished eating their supper, too tired to stay up any longer than they had too. Ghilani had offered to take first watch. There was no way she would be able to sleep anytime soon. Not after the dreams she had had last night. If one could call them actual dreams. They were more like memories. Only the same memories, flashing in front of her eyes over and over again until she could see nothing else. They weren’t even her own memories.

  
Wiping away a traitorous tear with her hand she gazed into the dark forest. Even at night this place looked so… green. There was hardly any surface anywhere that was not covered in some soft mushy green stuff. Moss or grass or trees or those strange mushrooms, everything was coated in some shade of green. It was beautiful, and it felt good to be in the forest again, even if this one was nothing like any of the forests she had grown up in. This one felt sort of alien. It was wild, and seemed to have a life of its own. It felt strange to her. Even the last time she had been here, that feeling had been overwhelming. The feeling of true wilderness. The others in their party, both then and now, struggled with it. At least, in the Emerald Graves, there had been roads and paths everywhere. There had been traces of sivilization. This place had no such things. There were paths, but even those seemed to want them to leave. Only Ghilani and Solas seemed close to fitting in. Perhaps their constantly-on-the-move lives had prepared them for this. Or maybe it was an elven thing. It made her wonder if Sera too would have found it easier than the others.  
This time the place felt even more savage to her. Layered into all the sounds of the forest, and there were many, were the voices. Hundreds of different voices, whispering words she never quite managed to make out the meaning of. They were reaching out to her, but at the same time pushing her away. It was as if the voices themselves were curious about her, as if they were investigating her presence there.

“Strange voices, silently singing. Stretching, reaching. They don’t know what you are.”

Ghilani sighed and moved closer towards the rocky wall to make room for Cole in the opening.

“I know the feeling.” She smiled softly to him. “Sometimes I wonder myself.”

“You are afraid.” He said it like a statement, not a question, and Ghilani didn’t have to energy to deny it. Not tonight.

“Yes, I am.” She looked away from him, biting down on her lip to calm herself down.

“They are afraid too. They can hear you, but they shouldn’t.” Cole frowned. “Endless echoes, back and forth. Impossible, but real. They don’t understand.”

“Well, they aren’t the only ones.” She faked a smile, and turned back towards him. “Can you hear them, like you hear normal people? The voices, I mean?”

“No.” He shook his head. “Their thoughts are strange. But I can hear their pain.”

“Oh.” She turned her attention back to the dark woods, now even more eager to clear her mind.

She was glad when he left her alone again. Grateful that he did not comment on the quiver in her voice. She needed some time to herself. They had brought a much larger party this time than what she had grown used to, because of the very real possibility that they were walking into a red templar ambush. It made her tired. Usually they were only travelling in groups of four or five, and would meet up with scouts and soldiers as they rested at the established Inquisition camps around Ferelden and Orlais. But there were no camps in this area yet, not in this timeline. And the risk was way too high for a small group.  
So far, however, there were no sign of any enemies. No templars, nor any signs that anyone else had set foot in these parts for ages. There were no sign of the elven sentinels either. Perhaps they did not stray this far from the temple. Or perhaps they were simply hiding, watching them from the treetops or bushes as they passed. Trying to figure her out. It made her wary. Something about this entire mission felt off. Perhaps it was that it was so different from the last time. After all, most of their bigger missions had happened more or less like they had the last time. This time everything felt different. Or perhaps it was her own memories of what had happened on their way back that time that made her paranoid.  
She could hear Solas approach, though he did not speak. As if he, too, was trying to read her mind. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She had been avoiding him, hoping to delay the conversation she knew they needed to have, but there was no point in doing that now.

“I understand, you know.” She said after a while. “Why you don’t want to share your plans with me. I do.”

He did not answer, but she could hear how his breath changed with her words. Careful not to make eye contact, she opened her eyes and continued.

“You have been alone for so long. It must be hard to adjust, to have someone that you can confide in.” She sighed. “But I am here for you, Solas. Whenever you are ready. I hope you know that.”

“I do.” He frowned as he sat down beside her, as if he was surprised by his own words. “I do. It is just… difficult for me.”

“I can understand that.” She nodded. “But you need to understand where I am coming from as well. Imagine that our places were switched. Imagine that I was the one planning on walking into certain danger, perhaps even certain death. Imagine if I was the one leaving you behind, with no answers or explanations.”

She could see him shuddering in the darkness. Good. She needed him to feel bad about this. It was the only way.

“How would you feel if I was walking into a danger that was greater than anything any of us had seen before. If you knew that I might die at any moment, if you knew that I might never come back. Imagine knowing that you would have no way of knowing how I was doing, or if I was even still alive…” she could hear him choke. “Would you truly have let me go alone?”

“No.” He closed his eyes. “No. I would not.”

“Precisely.” She bit down on her lip again, finally looking at him. All of a sudden, all that pain from those last months in the other timeline returned to her. “Don’t you see how that makes me feel? I have lived through months of that. Months of not knowing where you were or if you were all right. You walked away from me, and left me with nothing. Every single night I was searching for you in my dreams, and never finding anything. For all that time, I was a mess. A wreck. Nothing but a shadow of who I had been. We looked everywhere for you, but found nothing. And I had no way of knowing if you were even still… _alive_. And no way of knowing if I would ever know for sure. Can you imagine how that felt?” she had to stop to regain her breath, to try and calm her shaking body down again. “And now, after having lived through that once, I am faced with the same result all over again. I got you back… only to have to watch you disappear all over again. How would you feel, if _I_ was the one putting _you_ through that? Knowing how it felt the first time, would you stand back and allow it to happen again?”

“I… no.” He repeated, and even in the darkness of the night she could tell that he was shaken. “But please, _vhenan_. It is not that simple. You can not fathom how dangerous it will be. And I can not… if you come with me, Ghilani, you will never be safe. The though of having you there, while I…” he stopped, and closed his eyes, as if to block away a painful vision. “You could be killed. I could lose you forever, _vhenan_. I can not…”

“But do you not see, Solas? That could still happen. Even if you leave me behind. You need to realise, _ma sa’lath_ , that I will not sit idly by and wait for something to happen this time, if you should leave again. I would not sit still. I would follow. I would not leave a single stone unturned.” She sighed. “We are stronger together, Solas. We always have been. Let me help you.”

“I… need to think, _vhenan_. Please. Allow me some time to consider.”

“Of course.” She sighed. She had expected as much. He was far to stubborn to just agree out of nowhere.

“You should get some sleep, _vhenan_.” He looked over at her with concern. “You are surely going to need your strenght tomorrow, whether the templars are here or not.”

“I know.” She answered quietly. “But I won’t be able to sleep even if I want to, so I might as well make myself useful.” She turned towards him, frowning. “Why are you awake? You have no guard duty tonight?”

“I could not sleep either.” He admitted. “This area holds far too many memories. Not all of them are ones I would like to visit. And I find myself unable to focus enough to ward them off.”

“I hardly thought that was a problem for you.” She frowned. “You are usually so in control of your dreams.”

“I usually am.” He agreed. “However, these days there are too many thoughts on my mind, distracting me from my usual frame of mind.”

“I know how that feels, at least.” She smiled at him.

 

……………………

 

The rain had stopped by the time they were ready to leave the next morning. The sun had already made it’s way over the horizon, but with all the tall trees surrounding their camp the effect was minimal.

“Last night… you said that this forest held many memories.” Ghilani looked over at Solas. “Have you been there before? The temple, I mean.”

Solas hesitated.

“Yes… and no.” He arched a brow, clearly distracted. “I visited the temple on several occasions. However, that was over a thousand ago. At the time, Mythal was still very much alive. I even visited with her by my side once. But I have come to understand that the temple greatly changed after her death. With the addition of the Well of Sorrows, and the need to preserve her wisdom through the knowledge of her servants, the temple took on a whole new purpose. I suspect I will not find myself in familiar territory upon arrival.”

“I see.” Ghilani looked away.

They moved in silence after that. There was so much more she wanted to know, so many questions she wanted to ask him. She wanted to know all about those ancient times. How the world had been. How he fit into it. His relationship with Mythal. But it was clear that this was not the time to ask. She had seen that look on his face enough times to recognise it. So she filed away all her questions for later, and turned her focus back to the forest.  
They had now reached the part of the wilds they had moved through the last time she was here. The path they were walking on was familiar to her, even if the setting was quite different. It was quiet this time. The last time she had been here they had been busy fighting. It was odd how much the lack of action changed the place. It felt almost peaceful. The way the sun was filtering through the rich foliage, and the few rays that made it through glittered on the surface of the stream and made rainbows shine out from the waterfall.

“This place is beautiful.” Cassandra remarked.

“It truly is…” Ghilani nodded. “I hardly noticed that the last time.”

“How so?”

“Well, you know, we were under attack, and there were dead bodies everywhere?”

“I hate when that happens.” Varric rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, me too.” She sighed. “This is definitely preferable.”

 

Ghilani could feel the others relaxing more and more as they got used to the terrain and were able to move much more swiftly, and at first it made her feel stronger as well. But something in the forest was beginning to bother her. Something was off. It was too… quiet. She had thought that the birds and the animals stayed away because of their presence, but shouldn’t they be able to at least hear something? Anything at all? All her years in the forests told her that this was wrong. She didn’t even realise that she had stopped until Solas touched her shoulder. She could tell by the look on his face that he had noticed it too.

“What’s wrong now?” Varric frowned.

“It’s too quiet.” She replied. “I think something is wrong.”

“Do you think the templars are here?” Cassandra walked over to her. “Surely our agents in the area would have warned us?”

“You mean like they did at Haven?” Ghilani shook her head. “Something, or someone, might have stopped them.”

“Ghilani is right.” Solas looked down the path ahead of them. “We should hurry.”

Cassandra just nodded. “Lead the way, then.”

They moved faster now. Now that they had been made aware of it, the other three were now catching on to what Ghilani and Solas had already sensed. Thoughts of what might have happened to their agents made the silence feel even more stifling to Ghilani. The taste of blood spread across her tongue as she bit down too hard on her lip, but she barely noticed. All that mattered was reaching the temple before the templars did.

 

They found the first body only minutes later. It was one of their own agents, a young dwarven girl. There were blood all over her light armor, yet her face was surprisingly serene.

“She did not see it coming.” Solas said quietly, his face dark. “It must have happened quickly.”

“The blood is dry…” Ghilani murmured as she kneeled down beside the body. “I suspected as much.”

“You did?” Varric looked surprised.

“Yes. If it happened when we were near, Cole would have heard her.” She nodded to the spirit. “He would have heard her pain as she died. So it must have happened a while ago.”

“That explains why we did not recieve any warning.” Cassandra sighed. “I wonder if the same happened to the other scouts.”

“I suspect that would be the case.” Solas looked down at the dead agent. “They would need to remove them all if they were to travel unnoticed.”

“He’s right.” Ghilani bit down on her lip, shaking her head slowly. “We should have seen this coming. We should have posted more agents, have them travel together… we should have…”

“Our agents know the risk, Inquisitor.” Cassandra interrupted her. “They all know the danger.”

“Still…” she whispered, “I should have known. It was all going too smoothly.”

“I suggest we move on quickly.” Solas reached out for her hand. “If we are to have any chance of stopping the templars.”

“It might be too late.” Cassandra frowned as Ghilani got back on her feet. “This girl has been dead for some time.”

“No.” Ghilani shook her head. “I think I would have felt it. The voices in my head are connected to the Well. I think I would have known if it was corrupted, and I haven’t heard anything.”

“He is afraid.” Cole remarked.

“Who is afraid?” Solas looked at him.

“The old elf. He sees the end, and it scares him.” Cole closed his eyes and shuddered. “Empty. After all this time, ending. Everything. All of it. Over. Empty. All gone.”

Was he talking about Abelas? The ancient elf they had met the last time? Ghilani chewed on her lip and closed her eyes. Abelas. If he was still alive, that meant the templars hadn’t reached the sanctum yet. There was still hope, if they hurried.

Without a word she opened her eyes and hurried down the path. The others had barely caught up with her when Ghilani broke into a run. If there was any hope of saving the temple… it was strange how vital that was to her. It had to be the Well that did it. By drinking from it, she had pledged herself to Mythal. And now her temple was under attack. She sped up, almost falling as she turned around a bend in the river and finally saw the temple in front of them. She kept running, barely paying attention to the sounds of her friends coming up behind her. And then she saw it. And she froze.

  
Varric almost knocked her over as he crashed into her from behind. She would have fallen if Solas hadn’t grabbed her, but she hardly noticed. All she could see was the trail of dead elves in front of them, and the stains of blood in the moss around them.


End file.
